Do your kids eat junk food when visiting family?
The following is an email from a Mom who wants to know how to handle situations when her children are eating unhealthy foods when away from home…
Kelly,
I am a stay at home Christian mom of two little girls. I have been slowly transitioning to a more organic/whole foods lifestyle. I have good weeks and bad, but for the most part am enjoying the process and learning so much about food. I have always been health conscious but am so shocked at all I am learning about what is in foods these days. My husband thinks I am a food nazi a lot of the time, but I am passionate about feeding my family wholesome food.
We eat hardly any sugar in our house. I've cut out HFCS completely, which wasn't that big of a deal because I've never liked the pre-packaged snack food and sugary cereals. I only use Rapadura and whole wheat flour now and am thinking about starting to make my own bread. I don't have a Bosch but might be able to convince my husband to purchase this! 🙂 Milk…there is so much information out there. I try to do organic as much as possible, especially since I am in the process of weaning my daughter and she will be starting whole milk soon. It can get pretty overwhelming.
I do have a question for you: In my circle of friends and family, I don't have anyone else who views food the way I do. When I send my daughter to a particular friend's house, I wonder what they are feeding her. They have always been a chef boyardie/fruit snack type of family, if you know what I mean. Also, we are going to spend the weekend at my parent's house and my mom tends to want to give them lots of sugary, processed, HFCS foods. Where is the balance and where do you draw the line without being disrespectful? I am a perfectionist and like to control these situations, but don't want to step on any toes either.
Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated!
First of all, it's great that you're being so careful with your kids' diets. It sounds like you are doing GREAT on your journey–you're further than I am if you are able to only use unrefined sweeteners and whole wheat flour! 🙂
When it comes to this issue, there are a few things I try to remember, and it's not always easy, so I have to remind myself often:
- Live by the 80/20 rule – I learned this from my friend, Jeannie. She said that she tries to feed her family really well 80% of the time, and doesn't worry so much about the other 20%. For our family, the 80% is mostly when we're eating at home (although not always), and the 20% is the rest – whether we're eating out or eating at the homes of friends or family.
- When the kids do have some junk, I tell myself that they are still eating waaaaay better than most of America, so I need to just chill out. (I take a breath and say to myself, “It's not gonna kill 'em…”, and I hope that's true!)
- Although I fail often, if I try to live this lifestyle without bulldozing over people with my big mouth, eventually it really does make a difference with some of those around you. When we first started this journey, very few of those around us “got it”, but now MANY we know have begun their own journeys, and some have far surpassed where we are! Give it time, and pray too. You just might be surprised when you look back a few years from now. (I sometimes can't even believe WE are really on this path, it wasn't that long ago that we were still still eating fast food and sugar-bomb breakfast cereals!)
- If you're not too wigged out about it when visiting friends or family, there's a chance they'll hear you out someday, but if you offend people, you can bet that they'll never care about how or why you eat differently. (I'm not saying you do this, but just warning against it, because we all probably have these tendencies once we experience the benefits related to our improved diets.)
- Some really amazing people read my blog – please jump in and comment with your tips for handling these situations and tell us, do YOUR kids eat junk food when visiting family? I can't wait to hear from all of you!
- Counteracting the Effects of Junk Food (Read this after you get home from Grandma's!)
More stuff you might want to read about…
- Dear Grandma & Grandpa
- If you buy organic milk, be sure it is not ULTRA-pasteurized!
Sue E. says
Well said, Christine! I liked your ideas about getting them not to complain. I have a complainer and I have even said, “______, I wonder if you can go one meal without complaining!” He said, “Mom, I don’t complain when you make tacos!” Anyway, thanks for validating what we do, and even expanding on it really well!
Blessings,
Sue E.
christine says
Frustrated,
That is difficult. You and your husband have to be on the same page, for sure. I would have a private discussion with him, first, and find a way to meet in the middle. It isn’t good or right for one child to have special foods – it isn’t in HIS bests interest, or the others.
Our rule is, ‘this is a HOME, not a hotel.’ With that as a basis, can you come up with an agreement with your husband, about meals and expectations? Perhaps having fruit or some other sweet thing (yams) and dessert can help. At 11, I would give him -some- freedom (such as loading his own plate, perhaps), but I would expect him to choose from what is served.
Picky eaters are self centered and are not well equipped for interactions at school or in public. It is a delight to have a child in a restaurant or visiting who will cheerfully eat what is served with appreciation. As parents, we must teach this. We teach our (older) children to politely leave what food on their plate they may not enjoy, and not make a big deal over it. If they are serving themselves, they are welcome to take what they enjoy, and not take some items if they really don’t care for them. Comments about food (“ewww! I don’t LIKE carrots!”) automatically require that a child WILL be eating them, in our home. They quickly learn NOT to comment, and to quietly leave the carrots. But this is around age 8 or 9, after a lifetime of being required to eat whatever is put on their plates (and we do this with some sensitivity to their strong dislikes.)
We have one rule for our real little ones that hubby instituted (which I don’t particularly care for, lol) that every child is entitled to ONE vegetable which they do not eat (since President Bush did not eat Broccoli, and made it policy, lol.)
Sue E. says
Frustrated,
I have 4 children, ages 11, 8, 5, and 2. When I put dinner on the table, besides the main dish, which these days is a meat, side, and cooked veggie, I usually put some fruit and fresh veggies on the table. That way, there should be at least SOMETHING they will eat. We have always held to our “rule” that we don’t prepare anything else for someone who doesn’t like what is on the table. Jim Fay from Love and Logic would say, ” Eventually they will eat because they are hungry.” ( Doing this also helps kids learn that life does not always provide everything they want, when they want it! ) And usually, if someone picks through dinner, they will try to ask for a snack later. We give them the option of eating some of dinner, or nothing. The next meal is sure to have something they like. Now, your situation is a bit different with a step child who has other rules outside your home. But, if you start putting enough on the table that includes something he likes (bread/butter, fruit, etc), then if you insist that he only eats what is on the table, like Kelly said, he might get bored eating the same stuff and try new things. Usually if we have a treat (once a day), they have to have tried at least a bite of each thing to get it. Hope that helps!
God bless,
Sue E.
KitchenKop says
Frustrated,
I feel for you. I have a picky teen myself and here’s how I handle it with him: I often say to myself, “All I can do is all I can do.” You are doing a great job with what you’ve got.
I would, however, let him either eat what you’re eating, or give him ONE other option that he makes himself and that you BOTH agree on. (Whether it’s pbj’s or whatever.) Even if you give in and let the other kids have it, too, if they were eating your dinners before, they’ll soon get sick of pbj’s and want what you made I’m betting. (I would NOT make 2 meals.) Even Mr. Picky-pants may get sick of them if that’s his ONLY other option, and begin eating more of whatever you’ve made. Depending on his temperament, you could offer incentives for *trying* something new now and then. Keep it LOW key though. Don’t let something like food ruin what I’m hoping is a great relationship otherwise.
Hope that helps!
Kelly
Frustrated says
I am a mom of 3 plus I have 2 step children, I prepare nothing but healthy food for my children. Occasionally we will have a break and go to a fast food restaurant or order a pizza. I do not allow soda unless it is a special occasion and hardly have any sweet stuff in the house unless we are all eating it. But I am frustrated, my step son is 11 and will only eat food that is sweet, I have done everything I can think of and does not work. I am tired of preparing 2 different meals or sitting down to a wonderful dinner while he is sitting with us eating a peanut butter sandwich or bowl of cereal. He flat out refuses to eat anything but certain foods. He has been like this his whole life as his mother allowed it and now everyone in my family is suffering as well as my 7 and 9 year old kids as they have to eat what we are eating while he is eating something differently. Any advice
Bella says
Hi Kelly,
I just stumbled upon your site (literally, not in the sense of the website) somehow and love this post. I think we’ve been doing the WAP thing for quite a while now, and have a friend who keeps us “honest” so we’ve gotten some practice at situations like these. I agree with many posters that it works pretty well to bring our own food with us when visiting relatives, and to feed the kids before an outing.
Another thing I do is to just use reason sometimes with my 5 year old–I have on several occasions explained to her why we don’t want to eat “fake” foods, and why “big & strong” foods are so important, and she seems to get it. Then, when we’ve gone to a birthday party or someplace where there is cake and other egregiously bad sweets, I have just talked to her beforehand and reminded her about “fake” foods and said that I understand that it’s fun to have a treat sometimes, so if she doesn’t have cake at the party, then she can have a “big & strong” (so to speak) lollipop in the car (is this thinly-veiled bribery? I don’t think of it like that, but maybe it is). I bring a YummyEarth brand one that I get at Whole Foods (you can also find them online) and she is so excited to have it in the car afterwards. Alternatively if I’ve baked something good myself (cupcakes, cookies) I bring that. At one special event this year (our best friend’s wedding), she got to eat a wedding cupcake, and that was a big deal to her, she was very happy.
I also try to do the 80/20 rule with other foods (maybe more like 90/10 now, unless you count eating out since we don’t know what ingredients the restaurants use a lot of the time, even if we order the healthiest-looking thing on the menu). My son is sensitive to white flour and we suspect white sugar contributes to my daughter’s eczema, so that helps us avoid them a lot of the time without offending people.
Finally, I tend to bake “big & strong” goodies fairly often (1-2x/month, maybe? sometimes less), using rapadura, sprouted whole wheat or buckwheat flour, etc., because I don’t want the kids to feel deprived since they don’t eat it very often any other time, and I think it’s working out fine.
Thanks, all, for the great discussion on this important topic!
Debbie says
I am a mom and owner of Sweet Debbie’s Organic Cupcakes. My husband is an internist and he sees the effects of poor diet and high sugar intake over a lifetime as he takes care of people with hypertension and diabetes.
My goal with my company was to create healthy, delicious desserts so moms and people who like sweets (like myself) wouldn’t have to worry so much when indulging.
Kelly says
Thanks for the great tips, Nancy!
Nancy says
Here are some things that have helped us…
Many times we will drink a glass of milk (ours is raw) before we walk out the door. It curbs appetites and gives me some peace of mind that they have had something good.
We have a one sweet per outing rule. When we go to G’ma’s, a friend’s house, a potluck, etc. the children know that unless otherwise stated, they can have 1 sweet. If they choose a coke (soft drink), that’s their 1 choice. Most times they pass up the cokes for dessert. If there are several desserts they want to taste, they have learned to take halves, thirds, and even bites of what they want to try. My 8 yr old will still come and check to make sure our rule is still in effect, but he will learn. The older ones don’t even ask anymore. If they violate this, they know we will ask, and they know, like anything else, that their actions have consequences. In this case, they forfeit sweets at the next outing. We have friends who own a donut shop…when we go there (which isn’t often) we eat something before we go and see the donut as a dessert, not the meal! Sometimes it might be a glass of milk with a spoonful of organic peanut butter. But it does help lessen blood sugar issues.
When they get to be teenagers and older, there is little we can do to “control” them anyway. If I haven’t taught them by this point (in any area really), they will exercise the free will that God gave them. Unhealthy eating is not the same thing as immoral behavior! When we see our children as “men and women in training” our job of letting them gradually make choices becomes easier and less stressful, because they will experience the consequences of those choices (acne is a good one, Kelly!). I am thrilled when I see my older children (who are young adults) quote something they have learned on health and good eating. It means that even while they may not always make the best choices now, the knowledge is in place. Chances are, they will become US when they have their own children! 😉
I am so in agreement with the statements about not alienating people over this. Food is sustenance, but it is also fellowship. I love Christine’s husband’s definition of a pharisee. It fits perfectly here….
Kate says
My girls are 4 & 7 and I have had to learn the hard way about trying to stick to our NT protocal 90% of the time. Family definitely are the biggest saboteurs! I have tried talking to my MIL gently & when that didnt work I tried it not so gently – that worked better 🙂 but she still isnt happy with me. I tried really hard to explain to her that she needs to look at “why” she feels junk food is ok to give to them. I explained that its actually about “her” & its not about them at all – its the payoff she gets from it. My Dad & my SIL are the two family members who really respect what we are doing & they have transitioned to NT as well. A small group of people I know have got together to form a support network for this very thing because like me, they have had the exact same experience with their families too. Im glad Im not alone 🙂
P.S No way would I let my girls go to someone’s house that I didnt know well – but i know plenty who do! x
Kelly says
I think I mentioned in another post what a mean Mom I am, because I love it when our teen eats junk and then gets acne. But, as you said Jeanne, when something like that happens, it’s such a beautiful natural consequence!
jeanne says
My children are older 11, 14, and 17. I try really hard to stick to the 80/20 rule. I know my boys (14, 17) eat junk when they are out and about. But my daughter has learned they hard way about eating too much of “the good stuff” (their phrase for junk food!). Last summer we went to visit my sister. When we stay with her family she has a “solid gold” area set up with chips, cookies, snacks, cereals, doughnuts, soda, etc. The children all help themself to stuff. My daughter went way over board the first day we were visiting and was very ill during the night.
This winter when we went back to visit, I notice she would go to the refrigerator for cheese, or fruit when she was hungry. Of course she still had some of junk and enjoy it, but for the most part she made healthy choices. When I go to stay with family/ friends I bring along healthier versions of snack food.
Christine says
FreedomFirst, around here, there are enough neighbor friends that it isn’t really necessary to go out of one’s way to drive a child to another child’s house to play. We do this at times (church friends, for instance), but I would agree, that your son’s little friend’s mom is far more casual about where her child is, than I would be. : ) In my mind, 4 year olds need supervision, by their parents most of the time. In our experience, we cannot assume another parent would give as much supervision as we do at this age. Most people around here are on the same page. Even by 1st and 2nd grade, many children are not yet ready to go to a friends house, alone, after school – unless it is a family they already know well.
Another thing we have found is that it is best at ages 4, 5 and even beyond that, to have -one- friend at a time for a play date (even a neighbor in the yard). 4 year olds do not know how to juggle between three or more friends, and one inevitably gets left out, and feelings hurt. So one friend over works well, if there are several children – an adult to oversee seems mandatory, here.
FreedomFirst says
Thanks Christine, for letting me know that I am not alone in my feeling that 4 years old is too young to spend time at a friend’s house without me! I had a mother from my son’s class ask about a playdate for the kids, and when I told her what days were good for me and to let me know when she would like to come over, she backpedaled immediately. I think she expected me to pick up her son along with mine after school and bring him to our house until she got off work. It isn’t that I am unwilling to help her out, but she’s never even met my husband or been to our house! I can’t believe she would let her son go with someone she barely knows to a place she’s never been. I wouldn’t even let my nephews come to our house without their parents, because of the occasional outrageous behavior of my brothers-in-law who also live here. No way am I bringing someone else’s child here unsupervised. Especially a near-stranger.
FreedomFirst
Kelly the Kitchen Kop says
I get to go out for a chick night soon (no, it won’t be healthy, we’re going to “On the Border” – can you believe I just admitted that, especially in the comments for THIS post?!!! LOL), so I just barely had time to read the comments, but LOVE them all, thanks everyone, I hope you’ll keep chatting here – makes me wish I had a forum set up!
Kelly the Kitchen Kop
Sue E. says
Wow, what great information and advice has been given here so far. Thank you!!! An idea that came to me as I was reading the comments about going to family’s homes and having so much junk, what about taking some of your own “snacks”, whether it be whole foods or alternatives to the run of the mill boxed stuff, and maybe that could be an icebreaker about you trying to serve your kids better stuff. Maybe you could plan to get those snacks out before your family offers theirs so it isn’t like “no, I’m not going to use your stuff you just offered, we will eat this.” Just thoughts right off the cuff. I am grateful that my parents have been respectful, and have even been learning right along with me, about our food choices. There are those times that they slip stuff in, but then the 80/20 rule kicks in! I tend to be the food nazi, too, and I am realizing that if I am too much of that, then rebellion is sure to occur later. And yes, I think that “caught not taught” is probably true. They will just eat the way they know (like we all did, huh?) as they grow up. I already see my kids in situations when they have a little more freedom (birthday parties, etc) tell me about what they eat, and then we talk about it. I had a lesson on grams of sugar per teaspoon with my kids when my daughter came home from a party one time with a 20 oz. bottle of soda (which we never drink!) When she figured out that the 60 some grams of sugar equaled something like1/4-1/2 cup of sugar, she was very surprised! It really made her think!!!
Blessings!
Sue E.
Christine says
Local Nourishment, I just wanted to say, your post inspires me! I have had many precious relationships with neighbor children over the years (friends of our kids’), and likewise, I have been *extra* blessed to know there are homes on and around our street, where my children are also safe, welcomed and loved by the parents over there. Neighbors can be such a blessing. : )
Local Nourishment says
I’ve become the neighborhood “mom.” Almost all the moms around here work, and their kids are home alone until they get home from work. Most of them find their way to our house to hang out with my kids. I keep a close eye on the goings-on, and make sure there are healthy snacks available. One boy arrives at our house straight off the bus needing to use the bathroom. His parents don’t even give him a key! I make sure there is milk, fruit and muffins on the table by 3PM. He is always so sweet, saying almost every day, “No, thank you, I don’t want to be a bother.”
When my kids go visiting, I really don’t mind if they indulge occasionally. But I have to keep an eye on the situation. One child would meet a friend at the bus (we homeschool, so our kids are always done with school by bus time) and get a piece of gum to chew on the way home. Every day!
Local Nourishment
Christine says
Hey Ladies, did any of you stop to think, how many habits you grew up with as ‘normal’, that you have had to research, learn and change for better health and nutrition?
Your kids are learning what is ‘home’ and ‘normal,’ by what they are growing up accustomed to. When they branch out and start buying their own foods and cooking for their own families, they will probably gravitate toward what they are accustomed to! (And I hope my kids are losing the memory of Mom sticking a Stouffer’s lasagna in the microwave, lol).
It dawned on me during that last novel!, that while I have had to relearn things like sugar alternative snacks (we used to have cases of Town Club soda in the garage to grab from all summer long,) my kids are learning some great ‘normal’ habits just by living here.
My daughters can put together a mean greek salad (several kinds, actually), create healthy dressings from fresh garlic, raw apple cider vinegar and olive oil, and make Kombucha. They can make sour dough bread….and reach for the coconut oil when baking.
We don’t have chickens and goats, but our children have volunteered to do work days at our friends’ yard, so our kids know how to care for these animals and why fresh milk and eggs are so great.
From my mom, growing up, I learned how to make bone broth, stews and soups – how to use all the healthy spices and what they were good for. My daughters know why we avoid certain cleaners and chemicals, and make our own laundry soaps. They know that the less stuff we use from boxes and cans, the healthier the meal.
So, I think ‘more is caught than taught’ applies to healthy cooking, too.
Just a thought. : D
Christine says
What wisdom here! Thank you ladies, for the tips!
I wanted to pipe in, that it seems easier (for me) to be more Nazi-Mom controlling about food when children are younger. Frankly, I don’t send a child as young as 4 or 5 over to a friend’s house to play that often (without me) – and we all are in the habit of checking for food allergies, anyway. If my 5 yo is invited for lunch, I figure Spaghetti Os once won’t kill him, lol. : )
As our children hit the teens, we gradually turn that responsibility (of eating well) over to them. My worst junk-a-holic currently, is our sweet 13 yo. At youth group, soda is offered. To their credit, the youth leaders provide Jones soda which, at least, is made with sugar and not HFCS. Our 13 yo plans around her one Jones a week, lol, and drinks only about half of it at a time (avoiding too much sugar, she hopes, in one day.)
We also give each child $10 every time they have a cavity-free dental visit. My sister suggested this to me years ago, and it has been a good incentive (and far cheaper than one filling) for kids to watch what, and how frequently, they eat for snacks. (Constant grazing is the cause of a lot of cavities, from what our dentist tells us, and he discourages it, and juice.)
I figure that our teens will have to make these choices for themselves, the older they get. In our home, we have natural, good selections, and I set out, and encourage them to reach for ‘real’ food that satisfies them, when they are asking for chips or cookies (I try to remind them that hunger is because they need protein and good fats, and chips won’t help hunger.)
Kelly, I love the 80/20 idea. I tend to be a Pharisee in all areas of life- and have to really watch my legalistic bent!
My husband defines a Pharisee as someone who has a strong conviction he/she happens to find very easy to live by, but who expects everyone ELSE to ‘experience God exactly they way they do,’ and hold to the SAME strong convictions. I really like that! Just because I feel interested and ‘called’ or ‘led’ to be viligent about how I feed my family…..doesn’t mean God has led each of our friends to prioritize this as well. Personally, I try to be VERY careful not to worship the creation (good food!) instead of the Creator! Treating others self righteously, would be like idoltry, for myself, that is. There are times I need to reign back in my interest in suppliments, food, etc – because my focus on them has become out of balance. : /
Where I can influence, I gladly do. : ) As head room parent of my dd’s 4th grade class this year, I asked the teacher if she ‘minded’ if I request only 100% juice, for example. She suggested milk also (which I hadn’t even thought of, juice boxes are so common for school functions). When she has me plan parties and snacks – I simply request specific items, such as carrots and dip, milk, cheese cubes, or crackers (instead of fruit snacks or Sunny Delight). When parents call to offer donuts or cookies for a party, I go ahead and say, “Mrs. Jones has requested that we have milk and veggies for a healthy snack,” and stick with it. Moms seem to actually appreciate the effort.
And I have thanked my son’s Kindergarten teacher profusely, for sending home a ‘healthy snack’ suggestion list, and announcing that fruit snacks are candy, and anything with sugar high in the list is a treat, not a healthy snack. (Children take turns providing snack for the whole class to share daily, so my child eats what everyone else sends in.)
She sent the list again when I thanked her (as a mid-year reminder to parents.)
And like you all, I simply don’t FRET when kids come home with a sucker in their mouth or tell me about having YoGos for snack that day! We do what we can, right? : D (I think I’ve ruined enough fun times for my family by complaining about the foods!!) lol
Have a FABULOUS day everyone!
Shauna says
The “up” side to my kids eating junk at others’ homes (including Grandma’s!) is that they usually have a stomach ache by the time they’re in the van when I pick them up! They often say “Mom – that junk can sure taste good, but it makes me feel HORRIBLE!” They are learning that mom really does know what she’s doing in keeping only good stuff around. They also seem to be very grateful that they are regularly fed good food at our house.
I figure this is good real-life practice for when they are on their own and they have to make decisions regarding the myriad of junk that will surround them at the office, the restaurant, and the grocery store!
Shauna
Shauna
FreedomFirst says
I’m going through this right now to a lesser degree, with my 4-year-old at preschool and with my MIL. She loves to give the kids candy and sweets. After dropping hints didn’t work, I just decided to come right out and tell her. I know what your writer means about being disrespectful, but the way I’ve come to view it is this: I need to respect my relatives UNTIL they cross the line to disrespecting me as the mother. I wasn’t rude, I just told her plainly that I am cutting back on the boys’ sugar and I don’t want them having sweets without my specific permission. She still tries to sneak it, so I have to be vigilant; but it’s not as tough as it was.
The preschool is easier since it’s a small private school where they are fairly heath-conscious anyway. I have asked his teachers to limit his sweets, only one cookie if they have cookies for snack, a smaller amount of juice, etc. And I follow the idea that Kelly pointed out, that better I feed them at home, the less important it is when we are out.
Fortunately I don’t know anyone who is a “Chef Boyardee” family. All my relatives and in-laws cook at home. But if it becomes an issue with friends as the boys get older, I will probably send a healthy lunch or snack with them. If the parents take offense, too bad. Hopefully they won’t.
One more thing: I tried cutting almost all sugar out of our diet, and it didn’t seem to work well. It made no difference in the boys’ behaviour; and although it initially helped me calm down a lot, after a month I began to have what felt like a noticeable drop in my blood sugar. I find I have to drink a cup of juice or hot cocoa every day to stay normal. So I decided to let the boys have healthy sweets again (homemade cookies and desserts, etc.), but just limit their frequency. I think for us, avoiding processed sugars and that “sugar high” that comes from overindulgence is enough.
FreedomFirst
Liz says
Hi Kelly, I would add one more thing to your response. It’s something you’ve written about before, and I do the same thing.
Feed the kids something healthy and filling before you’ll be in the junk food environment! My daughter does much better with junk food if she’s filled up first with healthy proteins and fats.