Is there still passion in your marriage?
Before we begin, I think we should cover something I hear about a lot from friends – they feel guilty somehow if they enjoy sex, as if that's wrong somehow. How sad! You've probably been asked this before, but guess who invented sex? And He didn't invent it only for making babies, as amazing as that part of it is. He's smart, He knows that in a healthy marriage, it can be powerful and fun and a beautiful way to keep spouses close and families strong in this world that often beats up on us. If you've ever heard of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body (or watch this shorter explanation), you know that there is even more to it than most of us ever tap into — it's meant to be a special, holy way for spouses to give themselves to each other and to keep their relationship strong.
Have you settled for a marriage with no spice or fun?
If you and your spouse are both fine with that (and you're sure that's true for you both, and one of you isn't just “playing the martyr” about very little or no passion in your marriage), then that's up to you I guess.
But what if there's something more?
What if it could be really great between you, and the only thing holding you back is the commitment to do just a little work toward that goal? Wait until you read the following excerpt, it all makes so much sense…
Here's an excerpt from the Fox News article on passion:
Passionate love has been found to suppress activity in the areas of the brain that control critical thought. But the areas activated during passionate love are identical to those fired up during other euphoric states, such as with cocaine use and sexual arousal. So how does this “drug addiction” of sexual desire help you and your relationship?
Passion …
— helps you get closer to one another. There's less of a need to critically analyze one's character and personality. This love-is-blind component helps you tolerate your lover's faults and get along better.
— motivates you to work harder for the relationship. It increases areas of the brain associated with euphoria and reward.
— fulfills your needs, e.g., self-esteem, nurturance, dominance, submission and self-actualization, making it even more of a personal investment.
— keeps you happier, decreasing levels of brain activity associated with distress and depression.
— is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Research continues to find that passionate love and sexual arousal are tightly linked.”
By the way:
The above excerpt is another reason why sex or passion outside of marriage isn't a good idea. Before getting married you shouldn't be suppressing the areas of your brain responsible for critical thinking–this would be shutting down important warning signs and red flags! You don't want the “love is blind” component or the extra bonding that passion brings until you're sure this is the right person to spend the rest of your life with.
Another excerpt later in the article:
Unless you're perfectly fine with a ho-hum relationship (and I suppose some people are), don't brush it off as “it's just not there.” Don't let what everyone — and what research — dictates as a time cap on passion become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can stay passionately mad about each other. It just takes work!”
I also found this: Married, with Passion: “Marriage is an exercise in mutual submission. Admittedly, there are times you're too pooped to whoop; but if you're the only one too pooped, you may be willing to whoop anyway because you know that will please your spouse.”
Passion in your marriage…what passion?
Now, if you're one of those who would say, “We never had passion in the first place“, don't try to use that as an excuse to settle. I heard Dr. Phil use this great quote a few years ago, “Sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we make the decision right.” Imagine if people lived by that and didn't give up so easily!
Love and passion is a lot like exercising:
It's much much more about what we are telling ourselves than anything else. I know someone whose voice in her brain is constantly saying, “I'm not attracted to him“, or “He doesn't know what he's doing in bed“, and even, “I've never loved him“, then of course things are going to be horrible in the relationship and in the bedroom! Instead, start looking at and dwelling on the things you love about your spouse; if you can't find any, then look in the mirror and face your own negativity. Ask yourself what is your payback for continuing to live like this and not making the effort to get things better? What are you getting out of it that you're hanging onto?
(Be sure to see the resources and then the comments below if you are in a “sex-starved” marriage, it's much more common than you think, and not just men who suffer as society tells us.)
For Kent and I…
I'm not saying that everyday is always going to be hot and romantic. Kent and I will sometimes go a few days where it seems like we've hardly even talked, let alone touched, amidst all the kids' shuttles, school work, dishes, laundry, errands, etc., but we usually miss each other and feel disconnected so we make a point to get back on track. 😉 We stay playful when the kids aren't looking, or sometimes when they are! We definitely have enough great times together to keep the spark alive. We've always been fairly good at communicating, and NFP has played a big role in our marriage–it keeps things interesting, ha! We also make sure to plan date nights–it's amazing what speaking in full sentences can do for a marriage. All of these things are important.
Here's another great article on keeping the heat and passion in your marriage amidst everyday life: Habits of Hot Marriages:
We still vie for a hot marriage. I actually think about it. I see him through the kitchen window mowing the lawn, shirt off, hot and sticky, flecks of mud and grass stuck to his chest. And I think “hmmm….” He walks in from a long day of work, tie loose at his throat, and sits with our little girl and reads with her. It’s just plain sexy.
But then dinner boils over and milk is spilled at the table, I scrub pots and pans, mop up messes, call out Science lab terms to my 6th grader, turn over a load of laundry and remind someone to feed the dog again. I walk outside to dump half-empty water bottles into my pots of wilted flowers and I’m greeted with the foul odor of the septic system. My husband heads out to Home Depot for chemicals because some things that stink just can’t wait. I’m left to do baths and devotions and by the time he returns, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Tomorrow is filled with much of the same, a lesson here, a church group there… life has a way of going from Monday to Thursday in a snap and I can hardly remember that hot guy mowing the lawn.
I can confirm the temperature because I have known the extremes: a cold marriage, filled with contempt and misery. A lukewarm marriage, perhaps the worst, filled with idle days, stagnant affection and distant intimacy.
We have lived every season — from unemployment to sickness to grief to sheer joy. Our favorite by far: White hot. It’s also the most difficult to maintain.
Some suggestions for getting back the passion in your marriage
I know life is sometimes very difficult, and I know that some spouses are very difficult to live with. What I'm talking about here won't apply to everyone or every circumstance. But for most people a few things could make a big difference:
- A no-brainer: you MUST learn to communicate better with each other, whether it's about your needs, your pet-peeves, the good, the bad, all of the above. Get some good counseling if necessary. (Many insurance plans cover it.) Kent and I sometimes get over our blow-ups via email or texts, it keeps things calm and you can think before you say something. 🙂
- Look at yourself and how YOU could change. It's amazing how this softens the heart in the other spouse and makes them want to change, too. Analyze your own selfishness issues – we all have them. Read this Gary Smalley book. (But only read the section for you, not the part for your spouse…trust me on this.) Here's another one a friend recommended: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.
- Most importantly, ask God for help. One of my favorite verses: “Nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37. He wants your marriage to be strong and healthy even more than you do. I remember a time when I thought there was NO WAY things could ever be good between Kent and I again, there were just TOO many “issues”. It wasn't very long after I'd had that thought that almost everything was resolved…only God could pull that off. (Read more about that here.)
Don't settle!
Do NOT settle for less than what your marriage could be. If you have kids you must know that they are watching you. Is this the marriage you would want for them? If not, then give them a solid example of what a healthy marriage looks like.
Bottom line
Passion in your marriage = closer relationship = better marriage = stronger families = happier and less stressful lives = healthier bodies and peaceful souls!
More that might help you:
- The Pain of Low Libido
- Is your marriage in a bad spot? Don't believe these lies.
- My Conversion Story and how God healed our marriage
- Sex Starved books
- Helpful Marriage/Sex Books
– That link has a list of books by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I’ve only read her book, “Divorce Busting”, and while it isn’t Christian-based, it still made great sense and helped me a lot when Kent & I were having marriage trouble.
- The first thing to do if your marriage is feeling rotten: watch this Fireproof movie. And a newer one about saving marriages: War Room.
- Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching by Christopher West – another book that explains very well what the Catholic Church really teaches on often misunderstood topics.
- Remember that the estrogens from our diet (drink healthy milk without hormones and find a local source of healthy meat without hormones), along with estrogens in our environment (such as in the unsafe types of water bottles) can all lead to low libido!
- Read how a diet without enough healthy fats can also contribute to low sex drive
- Stressed out? Health & Nutrition not high on the priority list right now?
- Read about my “food conversion” story (I used to sneak even more chocolate than I do now.)
- Tips on getting exercise into your life
– That link has a list of books by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I’ve only read her book, “Divorce Busting”, and while it isn’t Christian-based, it still made great sense and helped me a lot when Kent & I were having marriage trouble.***Read more: Are Purity and Abstinence possible?
Photo, Creative Commons 2.0
percy says
Do you have any health/diet advice for naturally increasing libido for a woman? I following NT fairly closely, take cod liver oil, eat grass fed meats, soak grains, etc. but still I have very low sexual desire. Its really hard on our marriage as you have pointed out how important intimacy is, but its hard to do it all the time for the other person’s sake when you don’t have the desire and don’t get aroused and receive the same pleasure. The only gain is pleasing the other person, which is good, but makes it like a chore. I have been pregnant/breastfeeding for all of our marriage. I am sure that plays a part on my hormones but I have to believe there is a way that I can enjoy sex more before I am done having kids! Should I just really increase my healthy fats? That’s all I can think of at this point…
KitchenKop says
Did you see this post? https://kellythekitchenkop.com/ten-solutions-to-low-desire-in-marriage-and-how-to-garden-your-way-to-greater-intimacy
Kelly
Lacey says
Hi, I am a 4th medical student and I have never looked at this website before but I stumbled upon it and I can’t help but ask…. have you tried medications? I’m sorry if that’s dumb question, but ED is an extremely common and extremely treatable disease, and the side effect profile for these medications is very low! I am a strong Believer and, as has been repeatedly discussed here, sex was designed by God and is extremely important for healthy marriages, and a very important issue to resolve!! If the recommendation here is to change diet and hope for the best, I’m sorry but changes in diet probably aren’t going to do it! It breaks my heart that you and your husband have been facing this, I can imagine it would be devastating to think it is just something to live with…. i would encourage you to talk to your doctor!! I hope I am not stepping on toes, but it does not seems like it would be worth sacrificing your marriage for this…!!
KitchenKop says
I had a bad website glitch and lost all my comments from today and yesterday. Here’s one from Angel:
“Sandy, I’ve been married for 23 years to my best friend. I knew going into the marriage that his level of passion was farrrrrrr lower than mine, but I thought, as young women often do, I can change him. Five children later, I am facing my middle-aged years with a man who has sex with me once or twice a year and when we do, it’s over in less than three minutes. I have been mentally preparing to tell him that I want a divorce. I can’t go on. Everyone thinks that we have a loving, perfect relationship. But the reality is that we live as best friends. My children range from 18-10. I feel so selfish hurting them, but damn, I’m dying. Get out NOW! GET OUT NOW! It’s not going to get better. Don’t fool yourself like I have tried to fool myself! GET OUT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU NEED TO FEEL LOVED!”
If anyone has the reply I had sent to angel, will you email it to me please so I can repost it? Thank you!
Kelly
KitchenKop says
I have no idea why I didn’t see this comment from Lacey before, either…????
I agree that talking to a doc isn’t a bad idea! But look at diet first, because why go on meds if it’s not needed? I think I need to do a post on this…wondering if some of the words will throw everyone’s spam into high gear, though…
K says
We eat pretty well now. But my husband didn’t before we met as a young adult or growing up (growing up-his mom only had processed low-fat food around, when he was on his own he ate a lot of fast food) What kind of damage could have been done for a diet growing up?
He’s not overweight, but has tested low in testosterone before. (He has many symptoms of this, especially for his young age)
KitchenKop says
K, I just found this comment for some reason! Maybe I replied to you privately via email? Anyway, be sure to check out all the links above…
Kelly
KitchenKop says
Duh, I just added the links to this post above. Much easier. The book is “The Sex-Starved Wife.”
Kelly
KitchenKop says
Sandy, (and “A. Nonny Moose” from above),
Did you see the comments about soy? Any chance your husbands are vegetarian? Just a thought.
My heart breaks for you as I read your comment, that’s surely not how marriage is meant to be, but I still have hope for you! I’m glad you reached out. Sandy, be sure to check over the link I’d given to “A. Nonny Moose”, too, about E.D.
Another thought came to mind as I read your comment and the earlier ones…there’s a book out that might help you, written just for you! Keep in mind I have not read it, and I don’t think it’s Christian-based, however, I have read another of her books and she makes great sense so I trust her, or I trust what I’ve read of her in the past. Go to this post for the link: https://kellythekitchenkop.com/2007/12/book-suggestions-on-nutrition-and-more.html. Scroll down there to look for “Marriage/Sex books” toward the bottom, just above the fictional books.
Please come back here or email me and let me know what you think of the book and if it helped you at all. I’ll be praying…
Kelly
Sandy says
Hi Kelly, my marriage of soon to be 8 years is a farce, a great partnership and working relationship. We fall in the “Passion, what passion?” category and always have. We didnt consummate our mariage until the 3rd day of our honeymoon and only because I initiated. I think my husband is asexual and lacks sexual desire and also has some signs of ED (erections are not completely firm).
3 children later, I am suffering in an intimacy and passion less marriage and don’t know how much more of this I can take (I’m 36). It wasnt until our 3rd year of marriage that I told him I wasn’t fulfilled or satisfied sexually. This caused him to almost close up completely. Prior to that time I had made kind suggestions that we try new things, purchased Christian books on intimacy and printed articles from the net to no avail. He just didn’t read them! At one point we didnt have intercourse for 11 months. It’s to the point that I am not even attracted to him AT ALL, and cringe when he “attempts” to touch me. My Pastor husband refuses to seek counseling from his colleauges or from the Pastor who married us out of embarrassement, I guess. Out of desparation I spoke to his parents during a family vacation. When they approached us together, he laughed it off, downplayed the problem and made it seem like I had some sort of abnormal sexual appetite. I had hoped that this extreme intervention would have made a change but alas. He has since apologized about having done that He says he was uncomfortable and embarrassed but the problem still remains. I am at my wits end. If I remain silent, he’s fine with it. When I discuss it and express my discontent, he promises to “work” on it and never does. We get along well, work well together and are invested in ministry and raising our 3 boys together, but I don’t want them to think this is normal or how marriage and intimacy should be.
Please send any pertinent information and pray for me!!!
KitchenKop says
A. Nonny Moose,
I was kind of afraid to google this, not knowing what would show up, but I knew there had to be answers out there. I googled “Weston Price erectile dysfunction” (because I was looking for a more natural approach for you) and found an article with what looks to be very good info, and maybe even a person to contact for help:
https://brwellness.blogspot.com/2008/12/nutrition-and-erectile-dysfunction.html
There’s no reason to accept this as “the way it’s going to be” – work on fixing this together. And don’t stop with the link above, do some googling yourself and make helping your husband and your marriage your mission!
I’ll pray that you find answers soon.
Kelly
A. Nonny Moose says
I can tell you the reverse is sure true. After fifteen years of marriage my husband got E. D. This has been the hardest thing for our marriage to survive. I know in my head that it’s not in his control, but I feel ugly and unloved. We don’t even touch anymore, not even a peck on the cheek when he goes off to work. It’s been five years and I’m losing interest in my marriage. We even tried the WAPF diet but after a year things are not getting any better. I never thought I’d miss intimacy but I sure do. We are staying together because we are too tough to break up. But I don’t know how long we will be able to do it.
Su says
Kelly,
This is SUCH an awesome post! I’m blessed to now have a partner that is very communicative and very into bonding. We also have been doing the natural thing, and that from what I’ve found is really the way things are supposed to be. The birth control thing is such weirdness.
Unfortunately my partner and I are not yet married. We plan to, but have not had the ability to come up with oodles of money to put together a wedding. We’re tempted to just do something small at the justice of the peace or something, but I’m thinking that in a year we’d be more settled and have the ability to plan. I’ve heard stories of community/family putting together their efforts for couples to have a super sweet wedding on the cheap. So this is one of my prayers. It’s up to me to do some networking and make it happen. I know that it will. 🙂
The past 8 months were so traumatic for us emotionally (long story) – we went through some major survival stuff together and are now on the upswing – have our own home, live in a super neat rural area, etc. So I truly feel that what I felt initially as trauma, was ultimately God’s way of helping my partner and I and also my son move into a new life, something that fits us better and is healthier on so many levels!
Another thing that I was going to mention. A couple that I know — the male partner was a super devout vegetarian, and over the long haul started to suffer the effects of consuming soy base products — it had a very negative effect on his libido. He’s now started consuming fish on a regular basis, and I’m so glad he’s made that choice. He’s not ready for chicken or beef just yet though. I wonder how many male soy consumers there are out there eating the stuff as a mainstay, experiencing these effects and they don’t even know why!
Anyways–I’ve made quite a few comments on your blog tonight, lol! Sorry about the inundation all at once! I look forward reading more of the posts here. I’m so glad to find a network of people in the blogging community that are into this stuff, especially Michiganders! 🙂
Su
Kelly says
Jason, email again if I can help somehow, and I’ll be praying…
Jason says
Thanks Kelly!
We did watch the Fireproof movie and my wife just balked and said, ‘They had a passionate relationship before…we have nothing to ‘go back to”
I have also read your ‘lies’ link. It is great and I believe all of it! I know, though, I would never be able to get her to read it. She knows that stuff in her head, but just doesn’t ‘feel’ it.
Anyhoo, thanks for listening,
-j
Kelly says
Jason, I’m going to email you privately, but for everyone else here, if this describes you: watch the Fireproof movie with your spouse fast!
Also, did you read the “lies” link toward the bottom of the post above?
Jason says
My wife and I are in the “Passion? What Passion category” – in particular, she’s in the ‘Never attracted to you’,’not in love with you in that way’ part; so much so she wants a divorce ;-(. I will confess outright, I’ve not been the Christian man I should have been and have torn her down for 9 1/2 years (criticizing her, controlling, etc..)… ugh… BUT we have a wonderful friendship and two wonderful boys (8 & 5) and I don’t want the divorce! I want to do counciling but she doesn’t think it will help. I am going to change for the better….God is already working in me and I want to server her as Christ loves the church. I believe things will work out and as you quoted above: All things are possible with God…
Thanks Kelly for your inspiring words… -j
Kelly says
Lola, I must have missed your comment and just found it – thank you for sharing what helped you! I do think that could make a big difference for a lot of people!
Lolaloves13 says
I am a little late on the commenting, but better late than never! My libido was GONE after my son was born for about 3 years. I started raw milk, grass fed beef, pastured eggs, progesterone, ect… The major libido breakthrough came when I started taking the fermented cod liver oil and butter oil from green pastures.
Rebecca K says
Kelly,
Thank you so much for addressing this topic here! Of course as I’m flipping through your site I didn’t expect to see it here — but I’m sure glad I did! My husband (of 8 years) and I have 5 children–our fifth is due in August. We have a great marriage–but they all stand improvement! We are Natural Family Planning teachers in Northern Michigan. I firmly believe Natural Family PLanning will change the world if given a chance! Everyone needs to hear what you posted here.
Thank you again!