Do you think it’s not possible, that nobody waits for sex until marriage anymore? I know we may be in the minority, but we talk to our kids about purity and abstinence as a way to stay healthy – physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
A recent commenter at the Gardasil vaccine post (where an interesting discussion got going in the comments), had this to say:
“My friends and I were all raised in homes that taught purity and abstinence. We all made choices when we were away from our parents. I wish I had an answer as to if I will give my daughter the vaccination, but I don’t yet. I do know that I am not naive to think my children will always make the best decisions, regardless of my values, morals, or lessons taught.”
As much as it kills us sometimes as parents, she’s completely right – we never know what our children will do when they’re away from us.
However, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to give them a risky vaccine, or to give some lame spiel about waiting and at the same time let them believe that there is a birth control method that’s guaranteed to prevent any of the dangers associated with sex outside of marriage.
Many really do wait, not everyone is having sex before marriage, but they just don’t go around telling everyone about it!
I could give you names of those we know personally who waited, but obviously I won't. Some teens may read this post and I want to encourage you that you're not alone in your commitment to purity. If you know that waiting is best for your body and for your soul, stay strong! Read the links below for help!
Think of the heartache that can be prevented by waiting…
- Becoming a parent way too young, or having to make the tough choice for adoption. (But what a beautiful and UNselfish sacrificial gift that is to your baby and to another couple who long to be parents!)
- Becoming a parent before marriage always means being stuck with the other parent for life, even if you don't marry them, and sometimes this becomes a lifetime nightmare.
- Sexually transmitted diseases that can cause infertility, a lifetime of embarrassing symptoms (imagine telling your fiancé that), or even death.
- Possibly choosing a future spouse unwisely, because sex turns off all those warning indicators in our brain that say, “No way do you want to spend the rest of my life with that person!” Read more at this post: Strive for Passion in your Marriage.
Raising the bar
We will expect more from our kids, and pray like crazy that they rise up. This is our plan to help our kids make healthy choices and hopefully choose purity and abstinence…
- We’ll do our best to maintain close relationships with them, which often prevent kids from looking for love in other places. (Not always, I know.)
- We’ll warn them that it won’t be easy, and teach them about avoiding tempting situations, and the importance of dating those who have similar values.
- Obviously, the friends they hang around with can make a big difference. Sometimes we’ll be able to help guide them in this (getting them involved with a good youth group, etc.), but parents can't always control that.
- We’ll talk with them about all the reasons to wait listed above and the heartache that could be avoided, but mostly we’ll tell them that it would make us and God so proud if they did the right thing. (This may not mean much to some kids, but to others it would.)
- Have you heard of Passport to Purity
?
- What else do you suggest for helping our kids choose abstinence until marriage?
?Will it “work”? Will they choose right?
Like I said above, nobody knows, and it’s a risk no matter what, but we’d rather err this way. Besides, we’re not alone–God must hate the pain of young pregnancies, split families, STD’s, and broken hearts even more than we do. If our kids make wrong choices, and we all do at times, we’ll just have to get through it with His help. The same way we got through when we didn't make the best choices.
You may think we're positively crazy, to believe purity and abstinence is the answer, and feel free to tell me so in the comments, but the pain from not waiting is everywhere around us and we believe this plan is the safer bet.
Dana says
I think it’s a shame to see an alleged Christian tout adoption as a “beautiful sacrificial gift” when there are passages in the Bible that prohibit taking children away from a widow or taking children away from a poor person. It is not the place of a disadvantaged person to provide children for an advantaged person. Whatever happened to accepting the lot in life that God gives you? For the person with an “unplanned” child, well, then they should grow up and raise that child; for an infertile person, clearly you’re not meant to be anyone’s parent, so how about helping the people who *are* parents by being an honorary auntie or uncle. I can’t tell you how many times it would have helped me had someone offered babysitting or simply the presence of another adult interested in my child’s success rather than salivating at the thought of adopting my child away from me simply because they were married and I was not.
And don’t trot out that tripe about lives being ruined or children being abused. The actual abused children in foster care are adopted at far lower rates than the newborn infants of women who are simply disadvantaged, not proven abusers yet; and any life can be “ruined” whether or not children are present in that life. Life is what you make of it.
Babies know when they are no longer with their mothers, so infant adoption doesn’t exactly benefit them either. No matter the age of the child at adoption, overwhelmingly, adopted kids have worse mental health outcomes than children allowed to grow up within their original families.
I’ll say it again: If you can’t have your own, too bad. You have no right to anyone else’s child. Adoption is not a solution to unwanted pregnancy, and shouldn’t be touted as one.
Mind you, I don’t think disadvantaged women should be encouraged to abort, either. I’m absolutely pro-choice but that’s my point–if one is economically or socially coerced into aborting, that ISN’T a choice.
Shelly says
I think purity is something spiritual, and religion is too focused on sex. I know people who quote the Bible and talk about Jesus constantly, waited til marriage to have sex, and are self-righteous backstabbers.
I’d rather be someone who knew what she was getting into and had some experience before settling down. Your mileage may vary, and that’s fine for you…but doesn’t the Bible talk about judging others, too? ‘Cause I’m seeing a LOT of that here.
Amy @ REALizing Food says
I figured I would comment here…but first, hi Melody! I thought I would find you here ;o)
As a 29 y/o single female who has managed to abstain but hasn’t always made the right choice…the truth is, if you keep yourself out of “those” types of situations, the ones God tells you to stay out of…keeping yourself pure can happen.
And don’t forget, when we mess up God shows us grace! That doesn’t mean to go out an make mistakes just to get the grace either. Guilt and shame are terrible to carry around, especially when freedom is so available!
Melody Joy says
Thank you, Sue! I appreciate the encouragement 🙂
Sue E. says
Melody Joy,
I am SO glad you cleared up the definition of feminism up for those who may not know. I am also glad that you helped me realize my mistake at not clarifying my reference to feminism as “modern feminism”. I agree with you whole heartedly about your definition of the true, and beautiful feminism. Very well defined!
Blessings!
Sue E.
Melody Joy says
Sue E., Modernism is not the backbone of feminism. It may be the backbone of NOW, NARAL, and “Modern” Feminism; but the first feminists were Christians. In fact, the laws God gave the Israelites – which SO MANY decry as oppressive toward women – actually gave women more protection and value than any other culture of the time. When Paul said, “In Christ there is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female (Galatians 3:28)” he was declaring women and men equal in the sight of God (as well as men and women of all races and classes). Feminism originally began as a desire for equality with men, whereas modern feminism seeks to dominate and subjugate men just the way that Genesis 3 predicts (the word “desire” there is the same as where God tells Cain, “Sin desires to have you,” it’s not speaking of sexual desire but a desire to dominate). [Lest you fear I’m saying the Biblical picture of marital submission is moot…that is not at ALL where I’m going. I believe that women should submit to their husbands as their husbands lay down their lives for the wife, and the two submit to Christ together]. Anyway, all that to say, feminism is not the evil; but the modern version of feminism that actually exploits women and their sensuality, THAT is the evil.
Feminism has gotten a bad wrap in the Christian realm, but it really IS supposed to be treasuring and taking care of women, not this anti-God pro-sensuality anti-male modern feminist garbage that it is often made out to be.
I find it almost comical (if not tragic) that people list STDs, teen pregnancy, and the heartbreak of dealing with both; and yet anti-abstinence advocates still only focus on the “religious” reasons for purity. Here are the facts: Condoms can be as little as 68% effective in the prevention of STDs…32 % ineffective is not a margin of “security” with which I could EVER be comfortable. Birth control can do such horrible things to your body (I know, I was on the Patch when dh and I got married b/c we wanted to wait a year to have kids…ridiculous) with possible consequences of continual hormonal imbalance when it is no longer being used (in addition to potential for major weight gain…who wants that??). So if all your options for “protection” are both not foolproof and can have painful and uncomfortable side effects, why do anti-abstinence advocates ALWAYS say the choice for abstinence is religious dogma?!
Sue E. says
Julie S.,
I respectfully disagree with your comments. First of all, to clear the air, Modernism is the backbone behind Feminism. Modernism = Do what is right for you, don’t follow some “unknown God” who desires you to follow Him, because He made you for Him.
Secondly, there are plenty of men out there who “get” and “embrace” following God and His plan for us as humans, and who desire women to be modest and chaste. They aren’t all the pigs you made them out to be, leaving women in the dust to “always bear the brunt of responsibility when it comes to sexual issues like modesty, virginity, adultery, abortion, rape, childbirth, even working outside the home”.
Thirdly, I agree that many children grow up in homes that are less than ideal for exhibiting good marriages. But the fact remains that God hates divorce, and we as humans need to rise above our humanness, get less selfish, and work toward unity in our relationships. Yes, there are extreme cases of abuse, etc, and I am not speaking of these issues. I am talking about everyday marriages that don’t work hard enough to choose to love each other; those that don’t communicate well, and therefore pass on less than exemplary relationships. We need God’s grace to help in our marriages, and be confident that our children will do better than we did, just as we have done better than our parents. We are not called to be perfect, and no one here has said that just because someone chooses to remain a virgin until marriage s/he won’t have baggage from childhood. However, giving ourselves wholely, physically and spiritually ,as we do in sexual intercourse, means we give a part of ourselves to that person. The two become one. So, we come into the beautiful act of marriage broken, if we have premarital sex. That is why there are many “nice, well-meaning guys who are perfectly happy to let you be a doormat if you eagerly offer”: the very women who desire to be respected aren’t allowing men around them to respect them because they will give themselves away too easily. Feminism has done the exact opposite for women than what was intended in the first place. We are more degraded and less respected than previous generations, because we have beat down the very men whom we want to respect us.
So, let the men open your doors, it doesn’t mean you are weak or the “lesser sex”. It means letting men be our knights of chivalry that they are meant to be.
Sue E.
Julie S says
I’m always so dismayed when I read debates like these. Whether it was designed by nature or by God, women always bear the brunt of responsibility when it comes to sexual issues like modesty, virginity, adultery, abortion, rape, childbirth, even working outside the home. Media and politics and partners put a lot of pressure on us, but we always seem to be our own most vicious attackers. I think the argument of “women’s empowerment” can be reasonably made for either side, truthfully. But why do we always seem to forget that feminism is not about being fashionable? It wasn’t feminist to force all women to be modest in 1950 and it’s not feminist to force all women to be sex goddesses today. Feminism = your right to choose what is right for you!
I’ll tell you my own personal situation, since I’m sure someone is dying to tell me how it proves that I am wrong about tolerance.
I did not wait until marriage, despite being raised catholic and having a very real fear and shame put into me about sex. In hindsight, the fiance I lost my virginity to was a very manipulative, selfish person who would have made my life a misery had I actually married him, and the truth is that I never would have known what a terrible husband he would have made because of course I had no personal experience with intimate male/female relationships and I assumed that this was how boyfriends were supposed to act (and no, I did not learn this from my parents either, as they were die-hard catholics who vowed “’til death”, even if it meant one would probably kill the other).
For me, not having the knowledge of what true marital intimacy was caused me a lot more suffering than the subsequent broken hearts I experienced in relationships both sexual and non-sexual. I don’t know where some people get the idea that you cannot have a broken heart or “baggage” if you don’t have sex, or even kiss. I can assure you, it can happen!
My previous sexual relationships gave me confidence to know that what I desired for myself was worth pursuing and attaining, independent of what I could offer to someone else. Before this, I found out that there are plenty of nice, well-meaning guys who are perfectly happy to let you be a doormat if you eagerly offer.
Elisa says
There are so many reasons for waiting until marriage for sex – including the possibility of a baby being conceived. It’s so much easier to be a parent when you are sharing that responsibility with someone you love (and it’s so much better for the child too!)
I agree with the first girl who posted (Laryssa) on kissing and how it leads to more. The word “Kiss” in Greek actually means to start a fire (I believe). My husband and I had our first kiss at our wedding 4 years ago. I’m so glad that when it comes to sex or even just kissing, I don’t have anyone else to compare him to. He’s absolutely amazing to me!
Kathryn says
Kelly I just found your site and really like it! My husband and I saved ourselves for each other until we got married and we know it’s the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves, each other, and God. We just celebrated 2 years!
I did get the HPV Vaccine. My reason for doing so is I have friends that have been raped and for that reason I wanted to protect myself. Hopefully that is something that I won’t have to ever worry about.
Julia says
As a nurse, I know from research that medicine is finding out more and more that early STD’s can be a pathway to more disease than previously thought.
The truth is, most people don’t use condoms, and condoms don’t protect
as well as advertised. What medicine is finding out is that subclinical
infections like chlamydia and other infections from other organisms can hide out in blood vessels and the body and resurface as many different issues like
autoimmune disease, heart disease, strokes, etc. Although people believe
they escape STD’s, they may well not. The HPV vaccine does not guard against
many forms of HPV, so it may well give our girls a false confidence that will
end up costing them greatly. No birth control method protects vulnerable
emotional damage from the hurt of being rejected either. I think the old
ways are better and you don’t have to be a Christian to see they are.
Sue E. says
Great comment, Mrs. Accountability! I especially appreciate how you brought in the idea of “natural” birth control. It is one thing to practice purity and abstinence before marriage, but rarely is this discussed within marriage. My husband and I practice Natural Family Planning as well, and there are times we abstain (during fertile days) because we aren’t ready to bring another child into the world just yet. God gave us the knowledge of our bodies’ fertility so that we could understand and make decisions in this area together, prayerfully, and with His guidance. When we are together on this issue, abstinence within our marriage increases respect and communication. I won’t lie that it can be challenging, but as we practice responsible parenting without unnatural birth control (which can have many devistating side-effects including spontaneous abortions), it is something we choose to embrace. God made our bodies to be fertile, gave us the knowledge to understand that fertility, and then gave us the choice to decide to expand our families or not. That requires sacrifice on our parts, and that is what abstinence, and ultimately purity, is all about.
Mrs. Accountability says
I firmly believe Purity and Abstinence are possible and the success rates rise when people have information. I was abstinent for 12 years and learned a lot during that time. One thing I learned is you can’t just say, “I’m going to be abstinent” and then expect that to work while you are going out on dates, spending time alone with the opposite sex, in the dark, at movies (which are full of sexual innuendo).
Some authors and books I have found to be very helpful and informative:
@Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot
@I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
@Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World (The Every Man Series) by Shannon Ethridge, Stephen Arterburn, and Josh McDowell
@Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series) by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey
There is a TON more information available now than there was back in 1994 when I began practicing abstinence.
Children need to be given the tools for protecting their sexual purity. One of the worst modes for learning the opposite are television and movies. They are full of sexual innuendo, even children’s movies contain unnecessary sexual innuendo. I guess Hollywood thinks the parents won’t bring their children unless they can get some cheap thrill while attending.
A very important component to intimacy is it bonds us to our loved one. You know how women are less able to sleep around casually then men? It is because the woman’s body releases bonding hormones (oxytocin) during intimacy. If you’re brain is charged with bonding hormones, it is hard to be logical about this guy, is he really right for you? Or are you just letting your body and hormones make all the decisions? Did you ever wonder why so many girls get pregnant the first time they are intimate? The body releases strong hormones during ovulation, which make girls more susceptible during that time. And babies deserve a mother and a father who are happily married!
I believe it also helps to have a good working knowledge of how our bodies work :
@Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health by Toni Weschler
@ The Garden of Fertility: A Guide to Charting Your Fertility Signals to Prevent or Achieve Pregnancy–Naturally… to Gauge Your Reproductive Health by Katie Singer are great informative books.
It is great to hear about all the people here that are applauding abstinence and believe it can be done.
Mrs. Accountability
Kelly says
Cara, just saw your comment, too, thanks for sharing!
Kelly says
Sara, I think it’s neat that you shared your differing views in such a kind way. 🙂
Kelly
Sara says
I’m afraid I can’t say I agree with most of you. Although, I will preface this by saying that I am agnostic, so that may be the reason for my difference in viewpoint. I am in a committed relationship. We’ve been together for over 3 years. We are not married. We do have sex. I don’t feel like I’m degrading myself in the slightest. I had sex with other people before I was with him. I did it because it was what I wanted to do. I read about it and did my research on the risks. I made sure I was as safe as I could be. I have no regrets, and I don’t feel like I have any baggage. Also, I don’t feel like my virginity is the biggest gift I can give a man. My biggest gift is my love, loyalty and affection. I don’t believe for one minute that I am not “pure”. I don’t feel like having sex makes me unpure. What makes me pure is that I am a good human being who is compassionate, and always strives to do right by people. I don’t believe in lying, cheating or hurting anybody. I DO have morals, it just isn’t the conservative Christian view of morality. Just my two cents.
Cara says
You have such a neat website! ?
I waited. And so did my husband. We’re not that old (25 and 28) and we grew up in ‘progressive’ California, so it totally can be done. I think communication is the key. Talking talking talking with your children, talk all the time (Deut 11:19) with them, not just a few well planned out preaching sessions.
Cara
Rebecca K says
There are some very informative videos on YouTube by Christopher West and Jason Evert. You can watch them here
https://www.youtube.com/user/AscensionPress08
and here
https://www.youtube.com/user/bostonrespectlife
Rebecca
Robin says
The only thing I can think of that hasn’t been said yet, is I once saw this lady on 700 Club, and she was there to talk about her book, that showed that girls engaging in sex before marriage (having partners in high school/college, etc), actually suffered many consequences. For example, mentally they had more problems and also diseases. The funny part of the interview was that Pat Robertson was trying to get this lady to say ‘God was then right’. But the lady only got frustrated at Pat because her book ‘was based on scientific research’ and she had no religious agenda and was ruffled that he wanted her to have one. Her point was, why isn’t the mainstream media and the psychological community interested in this research?
I wish I could remember her name and the book.
By the way when I became born again, I did become abstinent and had only kissed my christian husband before our wedding night. You can do it, and man if you think you won’t have baggage (of previous partners) you are only kidding yourself..Oh yeah I thought I was free-loving, just enjoying pleasure and just a real woman in control with all those partners… One day you will see… You are giving your most precious gift away for free. The guys win everything (no marriage, no ring, no consequence), you are the one who ends up losing. Its the big feminist media “lie”. My mother once said (initially she put me on the pill at 16 and basically said it was okay-after she read the bible for herself she had a different perspective) “Everytime you give it away you lose a piece of your heart. And one day when you get married, you won’t have a complete heart to give”. And not to be mean, but do you think the good guys are interested in “girls like that” for the long run? No, just the short run. The one they bring home to momma will be the good girl.
Please do yourself a favor and your future husband, wear white and mean it.
Sue E. says
WELL DONE, MEG!!!
Meg says
Haha – okay, I give up. I’ll throw my two cents in. I’ve delayed it, because, really, I’m so opinionated on this mark that it’s just silly.
I’ll respond to Sarah’s comment, because that’s really what’s tipped it for me… With all due respect, you’re fooling yourself if you think that you brought no baggage into your marriage. … you might’ve dropped it on your husband’s foot on the way in, but it’s still there.
Here’s the thing: IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, PURITY IS A CALLING TO US.
If you aren’t, really, we can’t fault you for your “lack-thereof”. Purity is something I continually encourage because I believe there is something meant to be better than what I’ve been promised here on Earth.
Of course, there are non-religious reasons why we shouldn’t have sex before marriage (STD’s, general happiness, financial cost of out-of-wedlock babies, etc.) but unless you have a motivational goal ahead – well, it probably won’t do much good.
I still firmly support Kelly posting this – for those who think it has “nothing” to do with her regular postings, think again… because if we’re trying to raise our children more healthfully, eating all these expensive traditional foods ;), then why would we neglect to teach them that having respect for our bodies includes what we put into our “yoohoo” as well as our mouth! (Yes, I know… not scientific.)
Whew. See, I knew I’d get all worked up. Anyway. THANK YOU KELLY… I appreciate it, and by the majority of people who posted here, I think they did too. SO THERE. Whoops… yeah.
Meg
Sarah says
Like so many things, it’s hard to judge what the other side is like. I loved sex with other men before I met my husband. I brought in no baggage, simply the weight of life and love itself. Experience can bring richness into life.
Sue E. says
You know, Jules, that the very crux of what you refer to is what is tearing our society to shreds. I read the article you cited, and I could barely believe my eyes when I read it. I guess I am naive to the fact that there are actually people out there that are so boisterous in their views against virginity and purity. It is a scary thought that the author of the book, Jessica Valenti, wrote it through the “lens of a sexually charged media culture.” That right there tells me that she is very narrow minded and goes with the tide of the times, wherever the wind might blow. That’s what the culture does, and that is frightening. (Think about what the culture teaches us about food, which is exactly the opposite of what we talk about on this blog, and you can see a parallel.) However, purity and abstinence is not a new thought. It has always run as a thread through human culture. It just so happens that the Bible is one of the main places where one can find this virtue. And because of that, purity and abstinence becomes a religious issue. On the contrary; this is a human issue. Women are demoralized and disrespected from casual sexual encounters (and sex outside of marriage fractures relationships that otherwise could have been made whole.) I am glad that the article says that “virginity and chastity are reemerging as a trend in pop culture, our schools, in the media, and even in legislation.” That means more women have the support they need as they make the difficult decision in our culture to keep their virginity, either before marriage, or by choosing the single life. The psychological benefits of purity are enormous, and this leads to a positive effect on the continuity of the nuclear family.
I don’t know why the author discusses a person’s “real worth is in their virginity and ability to remain pure.” Let that quote sink in awhile and realize just how rediculous and shallow that statement is. It assumes that a person who chooses to not remain a virgin has no real worth. Come on! Do people really believe this slop??!! Self worth is tied to many things, not just a person’s sexuality.
I think it is a disservice to our vulnerable young people to just let them be sucked into our dangerous culture that glorifies many things that go against family values. God intended sex to be between a man and a woman in marriage, for pleasure (so that each would desire the other spouse and no other) and for procreation. We should present purity and abstinence as a viable option to protect our future’s family and subsequent whole, not broken, society. At least kids will know both sides and not just be swept away by one having not known the other…
Jules says
Kelly, thanks a million for the tremendous effort you put into sharing your healthy living information with us. When you’re not talking religion, this is one of my favorite blogs.
However, although raised Catholic, I must respectfully disagree with you on the issue of pushing “purity” and abstinence, and I have to say that moralizing sexuality and exalting abstinence/purity is tremendously dangerous and destructive, particularly to young women. In fact, it’s just about on par with the Pope’s dangerously Medieval, typically Catholic proclamation on condoms, abstinence, and Africa that the entire world recently tore him a new one over. I’m surprised you didn’t learn from that fiasco.
For someone who normally cares a great deal about facts & statistics and who is usually quite reasonable and rational, I am completely gobsmacked that you would hold up these quaint but backward religious concepts as ideals to be aspired to. Here is a link that explains just why this is such a terrible disservice to our youth: https://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30353377/ I hope you take it to heart, but since you buy into Catholic dogma instead of thinking for yourself, I don’t have much hope of that.
Kelly says
Lauren B., Laura, Kyle – thanks for giving your views from a teen/college student’s perspective – your comments especially give me hope that my kids will choose and stay committed to purity!
I love knowing you’re reading my blog, thank you for being here. 🙂
I sooooooo appreciate all of you and your neat testimonies.
Kelly
Kimberly Hartke says
Thank you for this post. I truly believe that chastity before marriage builds a strong foundation for faithfulness and fidelity within marriage. Practicing restraint creates strong character. Thanks for giving folks a lot to think about.
Kimberly
Kimberly Hartke
Karisa says
I pledged abstinence and purity at the age of 13. I had a very focused and fun-filled teenage years. As a result, I married at the age of 23, with the love of my life, had sex until our wedding night, and now have two wonderful and beautiful kids.
I will train and teach my children in the way they should go, so when they are old, they will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6)
Nothing like having a hot, live romance after 5 yrs of marriage.
Karisa
Kyle says
Hi Kelly, I’m one of those teens that read your blog, and I’m committed to staying pure. Most people I know are (for all I know), I guess it has something to do with my religion.
Kelly says
Anna, Merck and other drug companies certainly are not stupid – get more and more vaccine “requirements” and they’re all set. This is infuriating!
Anna says
I don’t know if the proposal is passed yet, but there was talk that the Gardasil vaccine would be required of all foreign-born young women (even higher than the age that Gardasil is currently marketed) seeking US permanent residence and naturalization status. I think that’s an outrageous requirement. One woman 30 yo woman with a PhD working in my husband’s lab right now is considering applying for PR status, but the vaccine requirement would apply in her case (even though teens and young adults are the target market) and she doesn’t want to to be forced to accept the vaccine. I think this is just one more way Merck and other Big Pharma corporations insinuate their products into our lives whether we want them or not.
Holly says
My hubby and I both waited and it was only by God’s grace. His grace is still sufficient for us and it is for our children and (someday) their children. 🙂
FreedomFirst says
My feelings on this are very mixed. I was raised in a home where abstinence was taught, but where we also had absolutely no sex education at all. We were homeschooled; and I thought, until I was 17, that you got pregnant from some weird combination of kissing and being naked next to someone. This did a great deal of damage to my development as a teenager, to my respect for my parents’ opinions, and later to my married life.
When I did find out, it was from reading a nasty novel at the hair salon where I worked. Not a nice way to be informed. I swore that I would never, ever get married, that no one would ever do that to me. But I was deeply in love with the boy who is now my husband, and with the pieces finally falling into place I realized that he was sexually active. I felt at that point that I couldn’t talk to my parents; after all, anything remotely touching on sex had always been taboo. So on my own, I concluded that if he was already sexually active, he wouldn’t want to be with me if I wasn’t; and I wasn’t willing to give him up. I felt that since I had never dated anyone else, and had no intention ever to (quite honestly, I was that grossed out that I would have been happy never to have sex if I could), then it wasn’t a big deal to go ahead and break the rules. I was 20 at that point anyway, and we tried successfully not to get pregnant before our wedding; but I had my whole spiel planned out for telling Mom and Dad off if I did end up pregnant. I’m thankful that I didn’t end up in that position.
I’ve since talked to my Mom, and she sincerely regrets not giving me any groundwork in that area. I’ve worked hard to overcome my inhibitions and first impressions, and I think I’ve been largely successful, by God’s grace.
As for my own kids, I have two boys; I think boys figure it out a bit easier than girls. But I plan to educate them about sex, about its risks, its responsibilities, and the importance of making it a lifetime commitment rather than a fling. Who knows what they will do; all I can do is try. If I ever have a girl, I will not give her birth control because of the very dangerous side effects. I will educate her, tell her what to expect from a pregnancy and from boys (no offense to the men, but they are the ones who have by FAR the least to lose and the most to gain when the question arises to have sex or not), encourage her to remain abstinent, and tell her that in the event she does get pregnant, I will help her but she will have to be ultimately responsible for that child.
FreedomFirst
Rosy says
Jessica,
That might be a little uncalled for. After all no one made you read this post the title clearly states what it is about. No one made you read it. That is the best part about blogs, you read the parts you want to and don’t read the parts that you don’t want to. I think Kelly has done a wonderful job of keeping this post informative and open. I am sorry you feel so closed minded to let one post you disagree with to close such a great resource for you.
Jessica says
Purity and abstinence are, technically, possible. The statistics show it does not work. It’s time we got realistic in teaching our children.
Sorry, I’ll be removing this from my feeds now. I came here to read about food and nutrition. Your posts on those subjects have been excellent. I’m sorry this one made its way in there.
Kelly says
Wow, such neat stories, thank you all for being so open and willing to share!
Lauren, be sure to read the Gardasil post that I linked to at the top of this post – yes I do think it can be harmful, to answer your question.
Also, your comment prompted me to clarify a bit about this post: Since beginning the blog I’ve posted on topics related to nutrition and health (since they’re both so closely related), and although I tend to write more about nutrition, I do like to throw in a post geared more toward the health side of things now and then. 🙂
Rosy says
The best thing to do is to teach your kids to respect themselves. The second best thing is to teach them how to protect themselves. Either physically, sexually, and emotionally. Many of the girls I went to school with who were having sex were not very happy with themselves and felt that having sex meant they were loved. Many times they were taken advantage of by boys, and some older men saw this and took advantage of that too.
If you can’t love yourself that how can you love any one else. The love you show for yourself is the example that every one else will follow. Your body is your divine temple, you should treat it that way, no matter what!
Rebecca K says
I am heartened and amazed at the amount of women who have posted here today in regards to this subject. Thank you for discussing it so openly and honestly. I hope to do the same (and am doing the same) with my 5 young children. I was not a virgin when I married, my husband was, and I agree with many of the comments others have made. My sexual impurity has haunted me and continues to haunt me in my marriage, my parents lack of expectation for me in high school was not encouraging (my mom’s response was to put me on the pill), engagement was definitely the hardest part of waiting until we married, a short courtship / engagement is best (we dated a year and were engaged a year before marriage), and we married young–I was 20, my husband 23. But, God’s grace is inexhaustible–he has blessed me with the best husband and us with innumerable graces. Because we struggled to wait during our dating, and in the times after having a baby before we are ready to have another one, we are filled with His strength and grace to make it through other hard times in our marriage, which always come.
And, in response to “theclevermom” above, my reason for cherishing our marital sexuality and my children’s purity until marriage? It is because it is so good. Our sexuality is absolutely a part of us, it is the essence of who God designed us to be, and it is so good we musn’t give it away cheaply.
God bless all of you who are waiting. It is worth it, and it is able to be done.
Motherhen68 says
Those of you above who waited till marriage and gave yourself to your spouse….you do not know (or maybe you do) how blessed you are.
I was not pure when I got married. The emotional consequences have haunted me and have effected my marriage. I have a wonderful husband who knew from the beginning of my past (he was actually part of it LOL). He’s still around. I struggle so much with my sins of the past and it’s not fair to him.
That being said, I am teaching my boys purity and modesty of their eyes and behavior. This is very difficult, as you can imagine. They are 10 & 9 but sometimes the things they say or the way they act make me very afraid.
We are very open with them, not hiding anything. If they have a questions, they ask and we answer honestly. They are always posing sexual situations in relation to the 10 Commandments and our Catholic Faith. Thank God for these fast and hard rules.
Do I think they’ll be virgins when they get married? I pray for this every day. I pray for their future wives. I pray for them to receive a vocation to the priesthood, then it’ll be easier on me LOL. I am heartened to see so many young woman here responding the way they have.
Motherhen68
Jessie says
I agree with those above who said waiting is not that hard (until engagement). Lots of decisions lead up to a decision to have sex before marriage, including who your friends are, who you date, and really, how long you wait to get married.
I hope to raise children who are not only committed to sexual purity before marriage, but who are mature enough to commit to marriage at a younger age than is the norm in this country. When people are reaching sexual maturity at 9 and 10 years old, asking them to wait until they are 26, 27, or older to actually have sex is rather cruel. (Not wrong, just cruel.)
The longer I’m married, the more I wonder how people deal with the emotional and spiritual repercussions of sex before marriage. It’s such a special, intimate thing that the potential for harm is enormous. But I believe that God uses it for great and amazing things (beyond words, really) inside of marriage.
I could say much more on this topic, but I think I’ll stop here. 🙂
Christy says
It’s refreshing to see all these posts from people who feel like I do! This is one of the main reasons I am scared for my children to become teenagers! My parents did a fantastic job teaching me about abstinence and holding onto my virginity until I was married. I was committed to that and I was technically a virgin when I got married but I could never honestly say that I was “pure”. It WAS hard but I could have made it much easier on myself. I plan to teach by my parents example and try to learn from my own less than wonderful decisions to build on how they taught me. Great post!
Jess says
I have this same problem Christy. I’m technically a virgin, through sheer stubbornness, and my parents teachings and commitments, but I’m not really “pure”. I’d like your comments/advice with how to deal with that?
Nancy (different than above) says
I think the key to the issue here is in this comment you made, Kelly… “We will expect more from our kids…” We teach our children that you don’t seek marriage until you are ready to be a wife or support a wife, and you don’t steal something that doesn’t belong to you (a physical relationship that was intended for marriage). That is very narrow for many folks’ thinking, I know. But the physical and spiritual blessing of not entering relationships you aren’t prepared for is much like not buying a car you can’t afford. So, what do we do when we can’t afford a car? We don’t spend time in the car lot looking at what we have no business buying. Then we expect that our children are capable of this. It’s very simple, really. Our early 20’s children enjoy groups (like Laryssa mentioned), even in college, and have developed discernment and maturity from those settings. Some may think I am naive and that my children have really “pulled one over” on my husband and me. But the truth is that we know our children from spending lots of time with them….and we ask! They became accustomed to our questions from an early age, and don’t think twice about us asking where their hearts are, where their eyes have been, and what they are thinking about and dwelling on. Have they had difficulty? Of course, at times. What young person wouldn’t find navigating the cultural waters of our day difficult? Especially when we are teaching them to swim against the current! We are here to remind them of what their lives can be when they exercise self-control. I encourage you to include your children in your vision for their lives. Teens, esp, love to think big. That’s why so many sign abstinence pledges at rallies. They are buying a vision! What they need is parents to mentor them to honor their pledges (made before family or at a rally) and to fulfill that vision. They don’t need parents who assume they have no self-control.
Katie says
Another major downfall to not waiting is the baggage it can bring into a healthy marriage later. Young men and women with multiple partners bring hurt, loss and brokenness into a marriage, and it can be hard for couples to work all those issues out. One of the benefits of waiting until marriage is saving your heart for one person only, and being able to give it all to them without the damage that comes with promiscuity.
We’ll be teaching our children the benefits of purity, and the consequences of not waiting. And we’ll not vaccinate to prevent STDs.
This might be wayyy controversial, but STDs exist for a reason. There are consequences for our actions. Take the consequences away, and you’re giving a green light for the bad decisions and behavior.
Thank you for posting this. I know it seems like we’re in the minority, and we are, but YES. There are people who still wait.
I would like to add that many, many, MANY parents out there couldn’t care less if their children wait until marriage. In fact, there are parents out there who ACTIVELY encourage their young people to be sexually active. I know this from personal experience. There will always be children who rebel against their parents who encourage them to wait for marriage, but by giving their children the green light to engage in sex, parents are almost guaranteeing they won’t wait. Maybe this generation will rebel against the sexual promiscuity of the past several generations, and we’ll see a renewed respect for virginity until marriage.
Katie
TeamBettendorf says
We aren’t parenting according to the statistics. It doesn’t matter what everyone else does or what everyone else thinks my kids should do. I know what’s best (studies have proven out my Bible based theories about pre-marital sex!!) and I’m aiming for the best for my kids. 🙂
TeamBettendorf
theclevermom says
I have to dissent here. I think it’s normal and healthy to teach our kids how to enjoy their bodies in safe and healthy ways, which includes practicing safe sex when they believe they are emotionally ready. I think it’s important to teach them to make responsible choices and then trust that they do so.
I am not burdened by religious dogma or a believe in a fantasy about some entity that requires us to act in a specific manner. I believe in personal and social responsibility. I think teaching abstinence is naiive, especially if you are doing it to help your children avoid HPV transmission, which can be transmitted in many other ways than intercourse, as can many other STDs, as well as pregnancy. If my teaching my children to respect themselves and others results in their choosing to avoid sexual relations until a long term relationship, well, that’s their choice.
I couldn’t care less if a person were married before engaging in sexual relations. I care only that my sons know the women (or men) they want to have sex with, they like and respect them and are liked and respected in turn and that the sex happen because of a genuine desire to share a positive experience and not out a misguided attempt to fill a void in their emotional or social lives.
Humans are sexual beings. We’d all be healthier if we grew up respecting that.
theclevermom
Kathy says
I agree with Nancy– my husband and I waited until we were married, and the hardest part was during our engagement. Being that emotionally and spiritually close, yet not being able to have that same closeness in our physical relationship: it was difficult, and that’s why I don’t think long engagements are such a good idea. At least it wouldn’t have been for us. I would also say, along with Nancy, that we have a strong, healthy, growing marriage. Maybe there’s something to the idea that being willing to work hard and honor one another before the wedding sets a good pattern for married life.
Something I would add to what this post mentioned is about the long term emotional consequences of sex outside marriage. My husband was not a virgin when we got married, and aspects of his past have affected us. With God’s help, we are dealing positively with it and growing closer through the challenges. But I say to anyone who wonders if it really matters whether or not they wait: IT MATTERS MORE THAN YOU KNOW. Your purity now is more precious to your future than you can see at this point. Not just in terms of the risks of pregnancy or disease, but in so many other ways, big and small. Give yourself and your future spouse this gift. Wait until you’re married. It’s worth it.
Megan says
It is completely possible to wait until marriage for sex. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married 2 years ago in our mid-twenties. I think what helped me the most growing up was that my parents never treated sex as something dirty, but as a wonderful gift from God to bond you to your spouse someday. Our culture tells us that sex is nothing–same as a kiss or handshake–and that it is completely selfish, but when a child grows up knowing that is has meaning and purpose, it makes it much harder to give away to just anyone. The second biggest thing that I did to keep myself in line was making a commitment to not say “I love you” or have any man tell me he loved me until he had the ring in his pocket (or on a dessert plate, as it turned out was the situation!). It definitely keeps your emotions in check to not say or hear those words. And I’m glad that the only man I said I love you to is my husband. The words weren’t cheapened by multiple uses with men I care nothing about anymore.
May God bless your efforts as parents to protect them and their future spouses!
Laura says
I’m a 20 year old college student, and while there is definitely pressure everywhere, as long as you surround yourself with good Christian friends and support, it’s not that difficult. I’ve never kissed a guy. I’m waiting until I feel like it’s really the right person (perhaps until engagement or something). The negative consequences of having sex before marriage are just way more than I could ever deal with. Abstinence seems like the easy option =P
Nancy says
I was a virgin when I got married. Really, it was not THAT hard. It took commitment. I didn’t date around. Dating someone without the same conviction was not an option. The hardest part was during my engagement. We made it and are thankful we did. Honestly we have the best/healthiest marriage of any of our peers. I’ll expect that my kids do the same. If we did it, they can do it!
Julie says
You are positively not crazy!!! Everything about waiting until marriage is way cool!!!!
It’s cool to be healthy (in mind, body and spirit). It’s cool to not have the psychological baggage of bad decisions weighing you down for the rest of your life.
So, as Sally Fallon says about health “you teach, you teach, you teach”–well, the same is true about preserving our youth–and keeping them healthy psychologically-you teach, you teach, you teach. For a youth to enter into a sexual relationship impacts not just the body, but it impacts the whole being.
Lauren B says
Kelly, waiting is pretty easy until you get to college. 😀 I went to Catholic school growing up, and the message stays with you when you’re in high school, living with your parents and studying all the time. The culture at universities these days (I’m inthe c/o 2010) is such that it’s unconventional even to attend Mass or services every Sunday! Romantic relationships have given way to a pervasive “hook up” culture, with physical intimacy coming first, and emotional closeness coming the next morning, if at all. The way the majority of students live/interact/PARTY here is not conducive to “staying pure,” but you can surely get in with an alternative crowd who shares your values. At the same time, you want to broaden your perspective and gain valuable insight from socializing with students of diverse backgrounds and beliefs. It’s would be challenging, but not impossible, to stay true to that kind of commitment.
Btw it’s pretty standard to get Gardasil these days. It’s what your doctor recommends at the first “well woman” check up you get! Do you think getting it does any harm? Has it been shown to have side effects?
I’m used to see foodcentric content here, so this post was somewhat surprising. 🙂
Lauren B
Z says
I remember laughing at friends that planned to hold their first kiss for the altar… they were so right, spared much pain of the dating game, which is SO much like the divorce game. I was fortunate to me closer to the “purity” side then most of my friends, but still wish that nothing had been wasted or used on someone other then my spouse.
I teach my daughter purity and abstinance, and pray that there will be a few Godly men left on earth for her to marry! Old fashioned? Sure, but so is respect, loyalty, and kindness, things I teach her as well.
Laryssa @ Heaven In The Home says
I just wanted to encourage parents and teens, that waiting is possible.
My husband and I never dated anyone. We were friends with guys and girls…but everyone stayed together as a group.
As our friendship progressed we got to a place where we were wondering if this could be heading toward marriage. We began spending more time together, mostly with our families, and got engaged when I finished school.
We had never romantically kissed anyone else or each other. Our first kiss was at the alter in our wedding.
I know that this seems radical to some people, but I knew that kissing- for me- was the key staring up the “go to far car”!
It made it easier to stay pure to just wait to kiss.
Was it hard! Yes, it was. Was it worth it? Absolutely!
Laryssa @ Heaven In The Home