(Note: See my newer post on a related topic — Testosterone Replacement Therapy for Andropause — Should Men Have Their Testosterone Levels Checked?)
The Pain of Low Libido
Not long ago I received a comment from a reader at this Keeping the Passion in Your Marriage post:
I’ve been married for 23 years to my best friend. I knew going into the marriage that his level of passion was farrrrrrr lower than mine, but I thought, as young women often do, ‘I can change him’. Five children later, I am facing my middle-aged years with a man who wants to be with me once or twice a year and when we do, it’s over in less than three minutes. I have been mentally preparing to tell him that I want a divorce. I can’t go on. Everyone thinks that we have a loving, perfect relationship. But the reality is that we live as best friends. I feel so selfish hurting them, but damn, I’m dying. Get out NOW! It's not going to get better. Don't fool yourself like I have tried to fool myself! GET OUT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU NEED TO FEEL LOVED!
What would you say to this wife?
Here’s what a friend emailed me after reading this, and I’m sharing it because I think it’s a common response: “She needs to pray for him and their marriage. She needs to LOVE him first, and he will come around. She needs to tune in to his love language. Somehow, he is disconnecting from her….maybe it is something she is not doing….love is wanting the best for the OTHER person. I think she is acting selfishly.”
But I felt differently, here is my response to her email:
“But the problem is, sometimes loving someone like crazy just doesn't make them ‘come around’. Up ‘til now, this poor woman HAS loved him and still does and it's not changing anything after YEARS of pain. I don't think she's being selfish, I think she is just really hurting and feels at the end of her rope. Yes, you and I know that leaving isn't the solution, and that unfortunately, more sacrificial love is the answer while they find solutions, but wow, that's a long time to feel unloved, unattractive, whatever. I've heard SO many of these stories, it breaks my heart. That's why I suggest the book, The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire to women in her situation, because they feel so alone. Normally that story is heard from the man's point of view, so women feel extra odd if it's their husbands who don't want to be with them, but it’s actually very common these days.”
Why is it so common these days?
On the next page I’ll share ten solutions, which also give hints as to why it is so common lately. I strongly believe that our estrogen dominant, soy and low-fat loving culture has created this problem, along with a few other things that we’ll discuss next…
- Are you sex-starved? Take the sex-starved marriage quiz. Also there are more stories here so you’ll know you’re not alone.
- For more on ED and informational links from good sources, see the comments at the Passion in Marriage post.
- Helpful Marriage/Sex Books– That link has a list of books by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I’ve only read her book, “Divorce Busting”, and while it isn’t Christian-based, it still made great sense and helped me a lot when Kent & I were having marriage trouble. Also, scroll down at that link to see other books she’s written called, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” and “The Sex-Starved Wife”.
<– Back to page 1 (the intro to this series on intimacy) text over!!!! –> Go to page 3: Ten dietary and gardening solutions for low libido (which give us hints as to what causes it in the first place), and a plea to you, my always-willing-to-help-readers, for your suggestions. If you’ve been through this, let us know what helped you. (Feel free to use an anonymous name if you’d rather.)
***WAIT TO SHARE YOUR COMMENTS UNTIL PAGE 3 PLEASE. 🙂