If you suffer with the problem of low desire in your marriage, either in yourself or your spouse, you may have figured out what has helped you. If so, I hope you’ll share it with us in the comments, because I’m sure there are many solutions or ideas to try that I’ve missed. (Don't miss part 1, the intro to this series on intimacy with a bit about what Kent & I struggle with, and part 2, the pain of low libido, which includes a very sad letter from someone who has suffered with this issue for years. There are some heart-wrenching comments below, too…)
I’ll share ten solutions for low libido here, and we’ll start in the garden!
- We all know how beneficial fruits & vegetables are for us (when served with plenty of healthy fats of course), but here’s something you might not know: certain herbs, fruits, and vegetables can also be used as a natural aphrodisiac to increase libido. You can even grow many of the following in your own yard! You can find organic seeds here. And here are a few interesting links and information I found on this topic:
- “Holy Basil (or Tulsi) is a cherished herb of India that promotes stamina and energy. It is also known to promote clarity of thought and calmness. Stressful situations will still happen but you will find yourself not reacting to the stressor.” (Source)
- Garlic: “Rich in antioxidants that protect against cell damage, garlic is said to stir sexual desire and increase blood flow, says Greaves. Just be sure to eat as much as your bed partner, as the effects of garlic can linger on your breath for hours.” (Source)
- Read about more Herb Sex Boosters.
- Decrease soy consumption & don’t try to lower your cholesterol! Today I asked Dr. Kaayla Daniel, the ‘Naughty Nutritionist’™ about the topic of soy and decreased libido and she was sweet enough to send back this reply: “Soy contains phytoestrogens that interfere with testosterone production and utilization in the body. That affects men, obviously, but women as well. The plant estrogens can also affect thyroid function and low thyroid is one of the primary reasons for low libido in women. ‘Health conscious’ people who choose to eat soy are also likely to be people on low-fat, low cholesterol diets too and that too will tank the libido. Cholesterol, after all, is the mother of all hormones.”
- Eat more oysters: “Oysters are dripping with dopamine, a compound that stirs feelings of sexual desire, and pleasure. These mollusks are also bursting with zinc, a mineral that fosters the production of testosterone, necessary for arousal and pleasure in men and women.” (Source)
- “Watch out for estrogens in your food and environment! Remember that the estrogens from our diet (drink healthy milk without hormones and find a local source of healthy meat or buy healthy meat online without hormones), along with estrogens in our environment (such as in the unsafe types of water bottles) can all lead to low libido. Also, see the above about soy being a phytoestrogen, that means it mimics estrogen in our body. Avoid soy!
- “Cut out sugar. There are many reasons not to eat sugar. It disturbs your sleep, leaches minerals out of your bones, ages you rapidly, depletes your adrenals and thyroid and disrupts hormonal balance. Sugar puts you at risk for degenerative diseases. Sugar consumption is also a major factor in adrenal fatigue.” (Source)
- Take your cod liver oil! Another comment from the Passion in your Marriage post: “My libido was GONE after my son was born for about 3 years. I started raw milk, grass fed beef, pastured eggs, progesterone, etc… The major libido breakthrough came when I started taking the cod liver oil and butter oil.”
- I found this that explains one reason why the CLO may be so helpful, possibly due to its vitamin D content: “Researchers at the University of Toronto have found that vitamin D appears to work in the brain like many antidepressant medications do: by raising levels of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that induces feelings of calm and banishes bad moods.” (Source)
- And here’s info on why the vitamin A content in CLO could be helpful: “Abundant animal research indicates the importance of vitamin A to the production of testosterone. Experiments with rats show that greater concentrations of vitamin A in the testes increase basal testosterone secretion Vitamin A also decreases estrogen production in the male testes. Rats that are deficient in vitamin A experience decreased testosterone until the accessory sex organs atrophy, indicating that vitamin A not only aids in, but is essential to, testosterone production.” (Source)
- I've recently learned about how homeopathy can help! Search online for “Joette libido” for more info. Then when you find which remedies you'd like to try, I suggest these because you get more for the money AND they come in glass bottles.
- Talk to your doctor if you absolutely must. Try everything else first, but continuing to suffer isn’t an option. Just keep this in mind: “It may be tempting to try drugs like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. And women might try non-prescription supplements that call themselves “female Viagra.” But these drugs and others like them just treat the symptoms instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. Ultimately, if you experience low libido, your body might be out of balance. Take a holistic approach to improve your mental and physical health and your sexual performance and stamina should reflect the happier new you.” (Source)
- Why are so many reluctant to talk to a counselor? Yes, there are some counselors that aren’t great, but there are a lot of good ones out there, too. Many times these problems are related to one or the other spouse being abused as a child. Sadly, this is common, but a counselor would be equipped to help you put those demons or any others to rest once and for all.
- I’ve saved the most important suggestion for last. Don’t forget to pray to the Ultimate Healer – ask for God’s guidance first and foremost. He wants your marriage to thrive even more than you do. And whatever you do, don’t believe these marriage lies.
<– Back to page 2: The pain of low libido: A look at the suffering that low libido/lack of desire in either spouse can bring to a marriage, and some resources to help.
Kate says
Wow, i’m in tears all morning as I read through this. It’s very interesting to read about men with low libido, because in our marriage, it’s me. I often WISH he had low libido too (if I can’t ever recover mine) because it causes so much stress to be the one who always doesn’t want it. He feels like I must be attracted to other men who are better looking, etc. Its’ so helpful to read from women’s perspective that they feel that way when their men don’t want to be intimate; it helps me relate to why he might feel that way. I always tell him that its just no drive, which is the truth, but he always feels inadequate anyway. And the stress of the disagreement over the whole thing exacerbates other stressful things, and makes us less affectionate in other ways also.
We have the easiest time with NFP, of course. I am relieved during the abstinent days because they’re the only days I don’t have to feel guilty about it. Maybe I will try those herbs. I was on GAPS for a while but was super lethargic and had no energy at all during that time. I always try to cut out sugar but really have a hard time doing it.
KitchenKop says
Kate I hope you’ll keep trying things, and maybe visit a naturopath or holistic practitioner for more help?!
Hugs & prayers,
Kelly
Charlene says
Other foods for low libido:
Raw beef liver – loaded with b12, vitamin A, other b vitamins.
Raw milk (raw yogurt/kefir) : good probiotics and all the other vitamins, Ca, Mg, etc.
Raw egg yolks
Lots of wild caught seafood, shellfish (mussels, clams, oysters, lobster)
Katie says
My husband died 5 years ago, but before he died he had been a victim of low libido for years. We were married for 39 years. I believe it was all the medicines he was taking that caused the problem. The first one was cholesterol medicine, then medicine for an enlarged prostate. He tried Viagra but it made him feel that his head was going to explode, made his heart race, caused him to flush, and in general, made him feel miserable. I didn’t want to be the cause of him having a heart attack (which is what he felt was going to happen – isn’t that romantic?), so I quit asking him to try these kinds of medicines. He did try the testosterone gel and some other form of it, but the gel was messy and the other form (I don’t even remember now what it was) were not satisfactory and he eventually stopped using them.
We went through a period when we had arguments about it and I know he was frustrated. It wasn’t that he wanted a low libido! I wanted to make love so badly that he actually asked me if I wanted to take a lover. He loved me so much he would have allowed that if it would have made me happy. But he was the one I wanted.
We eventually began sleeping in separate rooms. He gave me reasons for it that had nothing to do with our lack of lovemaking, but I always wondered if they were true.
I felt very unfeminine, very undesirable, very sad and very depressed. I felt I was living with a companion or a brother. I loved him and we enjoyed going places and doing things together, but there was little touching and there were just brief kisses goodnight, or good morning, or hello. We hugged, and that was as intimate as it got. He never touched me in a sexual way anymore. I cried about it a lot and I did pray, but probably not consistently enough. Now that he is gone I miss him so much and would love to have him back even as a companion, but I understand the loneliness, sadness, and longing of women who experience this. I used to look at books in bookstores and read articles in magazines, but they were always about women who had low libido – like it never happened the other way around. I felt so alone, as though I must be the only one.
I know now that there are a lot of men who have this problem and my first suggestion would be that they not take cholesterol medicines, but rather learn more about cholesterol and the body’s need for it, and the foods to eat to get it.
I don’t know enough about other medicines to recommend anything pertaining to them, except to read what the side effects are, and find out if there is a natural or alternative. There is so much ED in men today it makes me think there is a plot against them, to rob them of this ability to perform and demonstrate physical love.
KitchenKop says
I agree with you, Katie, I believe that all the medications men are on these days can cause these problems for sure! I’m sorry you went through all of that.
Kel
Amanda Y. says
My case is a bit more like you & Kent in some ways as it relates to family planning. We are in a sexless marriage, but it’s because we do not want children at all (no judgements please). We are eating more healthy & natural foods and we both have enough desire, but feel we must abstain because we’ve had friends with different birth control methods fail and honestly, we’re terrified to enjoy ourselves because we are not willing to have children. I know this flies in the face of your religious beliefs as you probably say “just trust god/go multiply/etc” but we do not share those beliefs…so any tips outside of religion for this situation??
KitchenKop says
Hmmm, this is a tricky one to respond to because as you said, we’re coming at things from a totally different place, but here’s what first comes to mind…
As much as natural family planning frustrates us at times, IF you have the self-control it really is an effective form of preventing pregnancy because you get to know your body and when you’re fertile. There really are times of the month where you truly cannot get pregnant, and while the desire isn’t as strong then (that’s where Kent & I get especially frustrated), it’s still enjoyable and you and your hubs could be together during those parts of the month anyway.
Even if we didn’t believe the way we do, this is the most natural and safest form of preventing pregnancy because there are no chances for cancer or other health issues from the chemicals in the shots or pills.
Kelly
Anneke says
I just would like to mention that I have had to deal with this in my husband too, and his reasons were my inadequacies, etc; however, my husband is an alcoholic and after much research I have learned that alcoholism KILLS hormone levels, big time! I am currently working on switching the family diet to all real food and look forward to seeing the effect it has on him, if and when he and I get back together *really trusting God for this one*
I read an article on the WAPF website about how cravings for alcohol are somehow related to deficiencies in “fermented type foods” (I read the article a while ago so pardon how simplistic this sounds)
Thank you Kelly for addressing this so boldly, especially since the common thought is that only women suffer from this issue, I am grateful that I have not had issue with this myself and my heart breaks for those women out there who do suffer in this area.
KitchenKop says
Praying for you, Anneke, and for all of you who have commented! (And also for those who haven’t commented, but struggle with this stuff, too.)
Kelly
Emmy (Wine and Butter) says
AWESOME post!! I think its also important to realise how well a REAL FOODS lifestyle works with healthy sex life. Since I spend more time in now, cooking real meals with my husbands instead of propping myself up at chain restaurants with vodkas and diet coke, I feel so much more connected to him. Cooking together (maybe having sips of the cooking wine with great musci 🙂 ) is brilliant for intimacy! xox
Michele says
Oops. Gerting notified of follow ups
Michele says
Jenn
My pelvic pain pesisted for years on and off. It was a pelvic floor physiotherapist (yes theree are such things!) Who suggested I might have a skin condition called Lichens Sclerosus. Took anoher year before diagnosis confirmed. Treatment of high potency steroids (not my favirite!!) Has been extremelyeffective. Hopefully you have good practitioners who can help ypu examine things like this, vulvodynia,etc. All the best and dont give up.
Rachel J. says
There are some herbs that can be really useful in balancing hormonal issues. Red clover is a wonderful one, I find that if take it as an infusion a few times to a week during the month then my period is very light and normal with little to no cramping. I prefer the infusion because because I’m getting important minerals and other nutrients as well as phytosterols (precursors needed by the body to make necessary sex hormones) but the tincture might be stronger in terms of phytosterols. I make both my own, pick and dry blossoms for infusions and make tincture with fresh. Now is harvesting season 🙂
Another herbal option is wild carrot (Queen Anne’s Lace). If used daily it helps boost libido. If used only for the second half of the cycle it doesn’t apparently do so much for libido but is a form of birth control that prevents implantation (so I wouldn’t use it for that). I haven’t personally used it for libido, although I don’t know why I’m waiting, think I’ll go take some now, but I have a friend who is now unintentionally pregnant because if it 🙂
julianne says
Here is an excellent free little E-book on increasing testosterone levels. Really well researched: https://www.increase-testosterone.info/
Re lubricant – this stuff is brilliant: https://sylk.co.nz/
Monique says
*sigh* about the Oysters. my DH is deathly allergic aka anaphalactic reaction if he eats one, to any shell fish. He can’t even be in contact with pearls. If one has a shellfish allergic spouse like me, it’s best to find something else that holds tons of Zinc. Possibly a nice Miso soup made with Shitake dashi stock and Kombu instead of it. (My DH loves Miso soup. as long as the Dashi isn’t fish based..even white fish makes him ill since they eat mostly shell fish)
Just putting that out there 😀
Meredith says
I recently turned to a book recommended to me for the purpose of helping my marriage grow. This book is fabulous. It is called “For Better…Forever” by Greg Pocak. There is so much really helpful information and it is entirely based on a Christian understanding of the Sacrament of Marriage. Popcak has taken the works of many other marriage counselors and combined them into a summary along with his own insights and directions. I urge you to look into this book for any marriage difficulties and also to benefit a healthy marriage. Sexual difficulties are an aspect of marriage that can be resolved with the lessons and information in this book. Another remarkable book on our sexuality, again with a Christian understanding and approach is “Sex, God and Men” by Doug Weiss. It details the source of our ‘sexual brain” which has been shaped by our early sexual experiences. Fascinating reading and solutions. An eye opener.
God Bless You All.
Meredith
karen says
This is for Jenn. Just wanted to mention that maybe (if you have pelvic pain on a continual basis–not just during sex) the pelvic pain is due to a vein in the pelvic region that is clogged–basically a varicose vein in the pelvis. I had to have some varicose veins taken out of my right leg a year ago and they did a MRI over my abdomen to check for a vein that was clogged therefore causing the pooling down into the leg veins. The viens in my legs were actually working fine. The vein causes sharp pains in the pelvic region and they come and go. This may be something that you want to check with your doctor if this sounds like you. See if they can refer you to a vein specialist to get it checked out. You may have to hunt to find someone who knows about this but it is worth the effort. If you need help or more information please contact me through Kelly! I have to agree with Kelly–the Lord is the Great Physician and He has all the answers–do seek Him.
Grace to you,
Karen
Jenn says
Karen,
Thanks for the idea! I do have the pain all the time (not just with intercourse), and it’s either “just there” or “REALLY BAD”, but it has been always there for nearly 4 years (before that it was intermittent). I will look into your idea – I appreciate you passing that along. We’re definitely to the point now where we’re past the “normal” stuff being ruled out, so it’s probably going to take someone mentioning one of those “one in a million” type problems as a possibility for us to find the answer, if there is one.
I’ve been in prayer about this since it started. To a great extent, I have some peace about the situation. I believe that whatever the cause of my pain, God has a bigger picture “reason” than I can see right now. I just need His strength to deal with many of the relationships that are being disrupted by the pain, including the one with my husband. 🙂
Jen says
Jenn,
You might want to see about fibroids as well. I had them and didn’t even know they were there. When I finally went to the dr. I found out that I was severely anemic due to the large fibroids and heavy bleeding every month. It affected all my relationships because of my hormonal and iron imbalances. Soy was a big problem for me (creating the fibroid) and after my surgery (for fibroid removal) I have avoided it like the plague.
Rosebud says
I would encourage a Christian website I used to go to that is specifically for christian married couples to help with their sexuality, including porn addiction, sexual abuse issues and the like, and a christ-based ‘what’s okay’ etc. There is also a ‘resources’ section that has christian-based adult webstores with no nudity. It also features a message board with very open and supportive people. http://www.themarriagebed.com
That said, I can testify that a change in our diet has helped with that area of our marriage as well.
Amy says
From what I’ve seen in my personal life, very low-fat or low-carb diets can cause libido issues. The two men in my life who suffered “technical difficulties” and low sex drives were the two who avoided carbs. My boyfriends who ate anything and everything generally had sex drives through the roof. I’ve actually seen this with myself now that my diet is unrestrictive. Sex drive is way up. (BTW, I don’t want to get into another discussion of whether low-carb is good or bad. This is just to say IF you are on a low-carb diet and your sex drive is lower than it was before you went on the diet, I would say it’s something to consider. Same with any diet.) When I went off the pill (thank goodness) it went WAY up.
The other thing I’ve seen that causes issues and is totally un-diet-related is guilt and other emotional issues, fear of intimacy.
The two things that have really increased my own sex drive the most were going off the pill, and getting therapy for my eating disorder (working out some fear of intimacy issues and just becoming happier overall) – more than diet, I think.
I really feel for the poor woman whose husband only wants sex 1-2x/year. I think it suggests either a medical or severe emotional issue that needs attention.
Jennifer says
Wow – isn’t it amazing all the different areas of our life that are affected by diet? I always thought that sexual desire was more psychologically based, which is what society seems to believe for women, but I’ve noticed fluctuations in my libido based on my diet, with a dramatic increase due to a more committed approach to traditional foods, especially CLO!
Celiac-Mama says
I have suffered low libido since the birth of my first child 11 years ago, this past year I was diagnosed Celiac and upon going gluten-free (I was already eating mostly real food), I found my libido has returned! I’d bet there are physical causes more often than we realize. I also suffered lots of pelvic pain during intercourse over the past 3-4 years, and that has also gone away since I went GF.
KitchenKop says
Wow, now isn’t THAT interesting………?! I hope Jenn above sees this!
Pavil the Uber Noob says
I suspect that we really don’t how just how much physical degeneration we have endured as a society. All we have is anecdotal information. Thanks, Kelly for opening this important topic. This is something worth tracking.
Kerry says
One thing that can cause male and female infertility is B12 deficiency (or insufficiency)…
Lisa says
Kelly, you asked about NFP’ers. 😀 I am. My husband and I decided that 3 was enough. We used a barrier method during the fertile phases…. and ended up with twins 😀 So now we have 5! It’s amazing how many times I’ve planned something for my life and God turned those plans upside down. I am so glad He did!
This post is so timely for me. I am going to try some of your suggestions. I linked over to the fermented Dong Quai. Do you take this or has any of your readers? It sounds like something I’d like to try but I’ve never heard of it.
KitchenKop says
I’d never heard of it either, it will be interesting as more comments come in, maybe others have tried it.
Yes, God does amazing things outside of what we think would work out just so. I could make a long list! 🙂
Marguerite says
My libido was extremely low for years while I was trying to regulate my thyroid and other medical issues. Probably our diet was also adding to the issues. I felt like a complete failure as a wife because I have a fantastic husband who wants me ALL the time, and yet sex was something I felt I had to “suffer through”. (A total slap in the face as my first marriage the sex drive was totally reversed and I went crazy going without – ironic!) As we’ve corrected parts of our diet and also as my medical conditions have been better regulated (more exercise, feel better about my body) I’ve been reconnecting with my sexuality. Plus, now that my response is more ‘normal’, if I enjoy a small square of dark chocolate before intimacy, it really intensifies my response as well. (I like the Lindt dark chocolate bars with a hint of sea salt or chili best)
KitchenKop says
More reasons to enjoy chocolate, woohoo! 🙂
Willie says
Thank you for your openess and willingness to hit this subject head on. I am older now, but how I wish there had been someone like you earlier in our married life (we’ve been married 43 years). We went thru some challenging times sexually, usually because of me, but we hung in there and we are happier than ever. Keep going!!!!!
KitchenKop says
You’re so sweet to give encouragement like this especially because you’ve been there. So often when we’re living through the muck, it’s easy to get down and assume we’ll have to suffer *forever*, but it’s not true!
Beth says
Kelly,
You amaze me with how you can deal with such an intimate issue head-on in a loving, informational way.
I’m mainly familiar with Lyme Disease (unfortunately!!) as a chronic illness but wonder if low libido may be a symptom of other underlying diseases as well. I think as one heals from other illnesses and goes toward real food various symptoms will decrease. Since I have adrenal issues (another token Lyme left behind!) I’m going to go back and look at that embedded link.
BTW, cottage cheese has a precursor to dopamine. I’ve been eating cottage cheese with some fruit in it at lunch most days and it does help me through the afternoon (I started for brain health).
KitchenKop says
Hi Beth, that’s a VERY good point and an obvious one that I should’ve included. Low libido could very well be a symptom associated with all sorts of underlying conditions.
Interesting about cottage cheese!
Kel
Evie says
Thanks for the post. I struggle with low libido ALOT!!! So this was much appreciated.
Changing the subject, I would love to see a post sometime on infertility. With our first 2, we got pg the VERY first chance our bodies had. We have been trying for our 3rd for about a year and it’s so frustrating to see period after period come and go. But I am thankful for the experience so I can now relate to other women who struggle with this.
Thanks!
KitchenKop says
Evie, did you see this post? https://kellythekitchenkop.com/2009/03/infertility-information.html
Evie says
Thanks Kelly, I read it. Not really sure what to do different though, as we already eat lots of eggs, butter, and raw milk. I could eat less sugar though. 😉 I guess that telecounseling thing isn’t still available to listen too?
KitchenKop says
I doubt it’s still up but you could give it a shot.
Have you seen this post: https://www.westonaprice.org/womens-health/638-fertility-awareness-food-and-night-lighting
Have you ever thought about going to this place? I didn’t know about it at the time of our infertility issues (and wasn’t eating well then either), but if I did I’d have gone there: https://www.popepaulvi.com/
Kelly
Evie says
Wow, that was VERY informative. Very interesting too. I will try the night lighting idea. Thanks!!
PattyLA says
I got pg my first month trying with #1 and after a year of trying for #2 I was heart broken and first went for acupuncture. Then at about 18 mos I went to a gyn for an exam. We decided to do a test to see if my tubes were clear (the name is escaping me right now). Well I had grown a polyp in my uterus that was acting like an IUD and keeping me from getting pg. He removed it and I got pg my very next cycle. I had been on SCD for about a year at that point and really felt healthy and good but that wasn’t eliminating this structural issue that had come up. I really didn’t want to go down the if rabbit hole pursuing more and more interventions so I held off as long as I could. In the end I am glad for the spacing of our children (4 years apart) an I am glad that I saw that Dr for his help. Sometimes western medicine can do things that other modalities can’t touch. (I use very little western medicine but at 35 I didn’t feel like I had the time to wait this one out.)
ValerieH says
((((Jenn)))) That is so sad. Maybe you could go to a real counselor by yourself. Our bodies manifest pain for so many reasons, including emotional. This blog also looks at nutrition as a source for healing and balance. We are very complex beings, yet the answer is sometimes simple.
You are enough, just the way you are. You are lovable.
Blessings.
Jenn says
Your post made me cry – I thought it was just me! My biggest issue is that for a LONG time, I’ve been terrified that the reason he isn’t interested in sex with *me* is because he’s getting it somewhere else. Then I hate myself for feeling so suspicious of him. Every time he calls to say he’s working late, I think: “he’s with her”. But this line of thinking has come to a “crisis point” several times over the years, and I’ll confront him with my suspicions, and he vehemently (and somehow lovingly) promises that he is 100% committed to me. Then he goes on to say that the no-sex thing is to protect me (I’ve been dealing with relentless, severe pelvic pain for years). I’ve begged him to understand that not making love hurts me much worse than any pain I experience during sex. And after one of these blow-ups, we might make love 3 or 4 times before it goes back to nothing.
We tried counseling, sort of. He refused to see an actual counselor, but said he’d be willing to meet with a guy from church who does leadership training. I came away from those meetings every week feeling like *I* was somehow to blame for not cooking enough, not keeping up with the laundry, not having a sparkling showcase of a house, etc. (other issues that the pelvic pain exacerbates). That just feeds this feeling that if *I* am so awful as a wife/mother/homemaker, and THAT is the root cause of the sexless existence, then maybe he IS seeking it elsewhere.
Maybe this is somewhat different/off topic from the original post’s aim. I don’t know. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one dealing with being married to my best friend, but more like just living with a best friend because the marriage *bed* is anything but. I just don’t know how to deal with this. It’s almost as if he’s saying “if you weren’t always in pain” then he’d be interested, but then when we get past that it turns into “if you were thin, kept up with all the housework, homeschooled the kids to be geniuses, cooked 3-course meals, wore make-up and heels, etc.” he’d be interested. I feel like nothing I can do is going to change this, until God sees fit to rid my body of this pain, so I *can* do those other things. Strangely enough, I don’t want to leave him for me. I feel like I SHOULD leave him, so he can move on with his life (and our 4 kids can move on with their lives) without the albatross of a sick hindrance of a half-woman hanging around his neck.
KitchenKop says
Jenn,
A few comments come to mind, hopefully they are at least a little helpful…
1. I’ve heard of a few other cases of pelvic pain during sex and it’s so heartbreaking, but at the least, know that you’re not alone. There may be times of dryness at certain times of the month (coconut oil is a great lubricant!), it may be painful during pregnancy sometimes or in certain positions, but it shouldn’t normally hurt. Have you tried to find the cause? I’m assuming you have, but I’d encourage you to keep working that angle, and I’m hoping others will jump in who have had that problem, too.
2. If your husband won’t seek more formal counseling with you, you MUST go on your own. (Maybe he’ll change his mind later.) There are too many things going on to try to fix it all on your own. Please?
3. Lastly, and I could be way off, but I wonder if he has a low-desire issue going on that he’s covering up with your pelvic pain issues. That’s got to be a *terrible* thing for a man to go through, wondering what’s wrong with them when all the jokes they hear are about wives who don’t want it enough, etc…..
Praying for you,
Kelly p.s. Keep us posted!
Jenn says
Thanks for the prayers and tips. I’ve been on GAPS for almost 7 months now – it’s helped with some other issues but not with the pelvic pain, unfortunately.
About 10 years ago I went to counseling by myself and in one of the first sessions I told her that I’d decided to go by myself because that’s what “Dear Abby” and other advice columnists always recommend. She told me “The reason they tell women “if he won’t go with you, then go by yourself” is to give those women the courage and support they need to leave the marriage.” That freaked me out so much I stopped seeing her (I wasn’t looking for support to leave him) and I’ve been wary of seeking counseling by myself ever since. The other thing is that I’m so sick and tired of feeling like the *only* one who is working/trying/doing anything about the issues. Honestly, if *I* didn’t ever complain or get frustrated or upset, it’s like there wouldn’t ever be a problem. And I don’t see how HE doesn’t realize that!
Thanks for the post and opening up for others to talk about these things. I appreciate your honesty in your own situation, and giving others the chance to have a frank discussion about it.
Kelly the Kitchen Kop says
Wow, that chick is exhibit A for the ‘bad counselors out there’, why someone would throw a blanket statement like that out there is a mystery. But there ARE good ones, when I wanted phone counseling during the rough spot Kent & I went through (see my other blog for more on that), I screened out counselors w/mini phone interviews. You can learn a lot that way & see who would be a good fit for you.
Laura--The Sushi Snob says
Jenn–what kind of pain is it? Do you have pain when he penetrates? And do you by chance have difficulty removing tampons?
I suffered pain during sex for the first year of my marriage, specifically during penetration. I thought something was mentally wrong with me. But during a routine well woman exam, my midwife told me that I had a vaginal skin tag, and that it was probably causing the pain during intercourse.
I got the skin tag removed, and I haven’t had sexual pain ever since.
I don’t know what advice I can give about your husband, except to find a good counselor who won’t tell you to leave your husband, and to pray. I will pray for you as well.
PattyLA says
I had to reply to this because I can so relate. I had horrible pelvic pain when we were first married. It had a couple of causes. One, endometriosis was corrected surgically but the other couldn’t be. I have vulvar vestibulitis. This is caused by a build up of oxalates in the body. You have to go on a low oxalate diet and it takes time, sometimes years, to rid your body of the oxalate build up. I was treated for a long time with physical therapy with a pelvic specalist. It did help and lessen my issues but it didn’t eliminate them. I did find that eliminating all sls from my personal care products helped a lot. I also took epsom salt baths daily for a long time. We started GAPS nearly 2 years ago and when my youngest was old enough to communicate it I realized she had vulvar pain connected with eating high oxalate foods. we finally started the low oxalate diet a few months ago and she is much better now, although her symptoms flare when her body decides to dump more oxalates. There is a yahoo group, trying low oxalates, that can help you navigate this. I also had vaginismus before I had my first baby but childbirth resolved that issue for me.
I say all of this because I don’t want others to suffer like I have. It was very hard on our marriage to deal with that for all these years with no real solutions.
Anonymous says
GREAT post! I had attributed my longstanding lack of libido to having 3 small kids, one of whom is 1 year old and still nursing. I thought, “I’m just too tired all the time.” And then a few months ago we started doing GAPS and are now eating a WAPF diet that includes fermented cod liver oil/butter oil blend, coconut oil, raw whole milk, pasture butter, lots of eggs, clean meats, etc., and we cut out white sugar and flour for the most part as well. My libido is back! Sex is more fulfilling and we are happier because of it. I immediately knew it was diet-related (specifically cutting out sugar and upping healthy fat intake), and am so happy to add this to the list of other amazing health changes that are happening because of a whole foods diet.
KitchenKop says
I love it! I can never hear enough about the power of Real Food and how it can HEAL. 🙂