It's not easy to keep your mouth shut when you've finally learned ‘the right way' is it?
When you first began adding more Real Food into your diet, and you realized the power it can have to improve your quality of life, now and into the future, you wanted to tell everyone, right? Especially those you care about! And most likely, you certainly weren't able to feed your kids the nutritionless junk anymore that you used to not think twice about. Did going to Grandma and Grandpa's house get a little trickier? Traveling anywhere probably became a challenge?
I've been there. As much as I'm really not a food snob, the more I learned, the more I'm pretty sure I offended some people. I still have to be careful at times not to come off like the couple in this video (no wonder our oldest still throws an eye roll my way now and then):
These days I've toned it way down. Partly because of #3 at this post, 5 Ways Life Changes are All the Same, where I wrote that until someone is ready to make a change, your words likely won't make a difference anyway; and partly because I've probably matured a little, and realized that some things in life, like our relationships with those we love, are even more important than nutrition. Of course I still mess up now and then, but nobody's perfect. 🙂
Read a question that I received on my Facebook wall:
Help needed. My mother in law is no longer speaking to me because of the food choices I have made. I hurt her feelings. I'm nursing and eat real food. I need reports on why I eat this way. I'm not very articulate and they will not research themselves or believe me. Must shower them in facts.
My reply:
I have a suggestion. Rather than showering them with facts, just shower them with love and LIVE your Real Food lifestyle. That's it. Don't lay it on thick, don't even lay it on. Until they're ready, they won't listen anyway and you risk pushing them away even more. I hope you'll apologize, even if you don't feel that you were wrong, because family is even more important than all of this. Try to tread more lightly in the future, while still feeding your own family Real Food. I know it's not easy, good luck!
What do you think? Is this good advice or no? Is nutrition worth alienating someone over?
I totally understand if you or your child have serious allergies. In those cases steering clear for a while may be in order. I'm just talking about everyday interactions and how you could possibly be a little more gentle. I still have a ways to go, too!
Do you have any examples, good or bad, to share with us?
Amanda B. says
Family, friends, and love first, then food. Always.
Kimberly in So Cal says
I’m old enough to have followed several food trends that made sense at the time; whole foods, organic eating, vegetarianism, veganism, etc. Finding real food brought it all together in a way that makes sense to me. I also have a lot of experience with dealing with others when it comes to my food choices. I’ve been young and rude (although at the time I just thought I was right, but um, yeah, I wasn’t). I’ve been a little older with young children and rather stringent (especially once food allergies came into play). Then two things happened; one, my mother died, and two, I realized that I will not be in charge of my children’s eating forever. When my mom died I realized that relationships are more important than what we eat, period. I had my first bite of CAFO beef in almost two decades, and I continued to eat it occasionally as that is what my dad’s favorite restaurant serves.
I was the mom bringing all my own snacks to birthday parties, including natural sodas made without HFCS or anything artificial so that my kids could have what the other kids were having. Except that they really weren’t, of course, and while they didn’t care the other parents sure did (there is no way it comes across as anything but judgmental).
They’re teens now. One will choose natural soda over commercial soda, but the other wants the Dr. Pepper, lol. Realizing that I can’t control what they eat as they get older I have relaxed; I trust in what I serve them and believe that it will help protect them against the poor choices. I would much rather have them eat well 95% of time as children while they are developing and go on to eat junk in their young adulthoods (when they have left home) than to be like I was, eating junk 95% of the time and having to overcome that childhood diet my entire life.
We draw the line on foods that we are allergic to/intolerant of, of course. And when there are multiple choices we steer the kids to the better choices, i.e.. plain potato chips over the kind covered in artificial flavors and colors. I always bring a treat to gatherings, something that everyone will like. I’m somewhat famous for gluten-free carob brownies made with butter, eggs, and Rapadura sugar. They aren’t better than not eating sugar, of course, but they beat out the store-bought, color-laden bakery treats that most parties have.
These days I see the fruit of my efforts. Kids that love water kefir, raw milk ice cream, soups made with homemade bone broth, and all sorts of fruits and vegetables (they still don’t love liver though). Kids that know that HFCS is bad for them, as are artificial anything. Kids that gobble up soaked baked oatmeal. And definitely kids that know that sometimes they can eat something bad for them because people matter more than food (I do understand that those who have very frequent contact with family that pushes poor food choices must create stronger limits).
Cynthia says
Appreciate the question! To give a somewhat different perspective, I work with limited resource audiences (the poor) for a program that teaches nutrition and healthy eating principles. I really prayed about this as the job came to be as some of the things I had to teach about go contrary to my own personal beliefs (like drinking low-fat or non-fat milk as the best option instead of raw milk, which I consider the only option, if you are going to drink dairy). My answer to that dilemma came one morning. I was on the train into a major city and watched as a momma fed her two young ones green sugar water drink and potato chips for breakfast. One hour later and you can guess what happened – kid explosion: running & screaming, momma yelling at them to sit down, etc., etc. On and on it went. At that moment I realized that any form of milk would be a better option for breakfast than green sugar water and that I may sit on one side of the fence but sometimes getting people to take one step closer to better eating might mean they make choices I would never consider. So many of us have truly never been in another’s shoes and have no idea, especially for the urban poor, that locating and affording healthy food is a challenge. Not to mention the complete lack of education available on what healthy eating is! I am grateful to be able to direct those who are truly looking to healthy options but am equally thrilled to direct someone off of potato chips and green sugar water whenever possible, even if it means they are moving to an intermediate step I wouldn’t take. I can truly say, having three older kids who got SAD to start but ended up shifting off of that in their childhood, that kids raised eating right will be healthy eaters when they leave the house. And I KNOW my house wasn’t as perfect as it could have been. Then they start their own journey to healthy in their own homes knowing Mom is always here for any help she can give. They see me trying to walk it out and encouraging them to do the same. Of course, the handouts of the “right” kind of free food coming out of my pantry and making the way home with them doesn’t hurt either!
Alex says
The Girl Scout Cookie Mom hates me.
When I commented, nicely, I thought, that in my opinion, an organization that promotes the well-being of young girls should not be pushing junk food as its main fundraiser, I might as well have said I hate America.
KitchenKop says
Not that I don’t agree with you, but yeah, I can see that not going over well, LOL!
Danielle @ More Than Four Walls says
There must surely be balance! Unless, as you stated there’s an allergy issue we need to exercise some balance when dealing with friends and family.
When spent a week at family’s house in Delaware (SAD eaters) I took along as much as I could, yogurt, pudding, granola, homemade laurabars…stuff like that. But when the hostess made store bought chicken with store bought frozen corn we ate it.
School lunches – pack ’em.
Friend’s house – offer to make a treat. Beet Kavass may not be the way to intro real food but brownies make from scratch with almond flour and sucanat are non-threatening and a nice treat for everyone.
Great post Kelly !
Candace says
I am nursing my first baby and she has certainly made me think twice about what I eat, whereas before I just dabbled in WAPF-style eating. I am currently on the full GAPS diet and our last visit to my in-laws was challenging food-wise, especially since I’m hungry all the time from nursing. I just ate what I could and ordered carefully when we went out without saying anything to my mother-in-law. I also brought some snacks and b’fast food just in case, though I tried to be very low-key about them. By the end of the weekend she had clued in to the fact that I wasn’t eating bread, etc. I’m hoping graciousness now will pay off in the long run, especially as I will be very careful about what my daughter eats when she’s older. (Fortunately my own mom is totally on board with Real Food and feeds us so well when we visit!)
Jen says
That sounds great in theory, but I feel awful for the person who wrote in about not getting support, getting backlash even, from family, only to be told a slightly longer version of “Shut up and deal with it.”
This ignored one very major thing: many people don’t need to be preached to or lectured to take offence at someone else’s doing things differently. I can say from personal experience that sometimes it does take a shower of facts to simply defend yourself, especially when children are involved. Unless there was more to this email that wasn’t posted, please don’t assume the writer lectured the above mentioned MIL to the point of being removed from speaking terms.
Zippy says
I am gluten-intolerant and any kind of sugar gives me joint pain. I am also a Protein Type 2A (Parasympathetic Dominant) on the Metabolic Type Diet, which requires about 40% of my diet to be meat (preferably red meat fed a natural diet), 30% to be fat (preferably saturated fat from animals fed a natural diet), and 30% to be carbs (preferably cooked vegetables).
I travel all over the world and am usually on the road for months at a time. This makes it impossible to cook my own meals and I’m at the mercy of restaurants to provide the nutrition I need. The hardest part is making sure that nothing is cooked in industrial oils, that the butter is real, and that I get enough meat and fat, without too many carbs. This is a constant struggle. When I eat alone, it’s fine, but when I eat with other people, they soon get very tired of me and my requirements. They think my food-related health problems are all in my head, or they think that I should just eat whatever I want and then take a pill to combat the effects of putting junk in my body.
I should mention that I generally don’t criticize other people’s food choices. If they ask me why I eat this way, I tell them.
I feel that I’m left with three choices:
1. To stop eating in restaurants, which means to stop traveling and basically never leave home again,
2. To continue being picky about what goes in my body, and to alienate my friends and family in the process,
3. To just eat whatever and be sick all the time like I was before.
What should I do? I’m really depressed about this and need help.
Kelly the Kitchen Kop says
I think you’re already doing all you can do. Just keep asking questions where you eat to make sure it won’t make you sick, and if you’re with friends and they get upset about it, they’re not really friends. Choose to eat with real friends, and find places that serve real food (as best you can), and you’ll do fine. Hang in there!
Kelly
Zippy says
Thanks Kelly!
Ann says
I meant “beef” from Dexter cattle, not Jeff — sang spellcheck!
Ann says
This is a difficult subject. I have tried to follow WAPF since 1997. I sometimes talked about it to family and friends, but often was just stared at. Finally I just ate at restaurants and other houses by choosing as best I could, and if I was questioned about it I would point out that I am diabetic and ancer survivor, so I need to eat a certain way. Over time people have become more interested. My mother at 85 is remembering that this is much the way people ate when she was a child and she now follows many of the principles. I take her truly pastured eggs whener I visit. I have taken my raw milk with me for years when I visit her and she has started using it since in old age she is no longer able to digest pasteurized milk. My sister asked for a copy of Nourishing Traditions last Christmas. My brother recently began following it too. My best friend now is my source for pastured eggs from truly backyard chickens as well as Jeff from the Dexter cattle she and her husband raise. There are still plenty of people who think I’m nuts but so what? There are so many food fads that one more isn’t that big a deal. And I do believe the 80/20 idea so I can have a social life, which is also essential to a healthy life. Eat as healthy as possible and don’t sweat the times you can’t, and your children and others around you will learn from that. If they don’t, fighting with them isn’t going to teach them about traditional foods either, so it’s not worth it.
Jane Anderson says
Hi Kelly,
well I’ve been educating people into feeding their dogs correctly for 15 years. ie: raw, unprocessed diet. Oh they are carnivores (nope they are definitely not omnivores despite what your well meaning but uneducated vet will say). All pretty easy stuff. But boy don’t people get emotional! Now I don’t argue. ie: “this is how we feed our dogs, get over it.” I run a raw feeding boarding kennel, and if people want their dogs fed a processed diet, they need to supply it. And I won’t sell dogs to people who won’t feed a raw diet.
People confuse what a dog can eat, with what a dog should eat.
Now, can we see the similarities with the human diet?
Kait says
Important post. Makes me think of my experience with a well-intentioned, but somewhat controlling mother, who put my siblings and I on one health diet after the next for a several years. I wasn’t allowed to eat just whatever I wanted, so I’d be out somewhere with relatives or friends, and have to decline food because “my mom doesn’t allow me to have ____” (fill in the blank, usually sugar, or bread, or something like that). It caused me to feel quite hungry as a kid, but I didn’t want to get in trouble by going against her. Pretty stressful time.
I’ve been on the other side of things as well… I became what Dr. Steven Bratman refers to as a Health Food Junkie. I would annoy lots of people for sure, but I think I was probably more offended then they were. XD They were more concerned about me than anything, and rightly so. Their relationship with food was usually much better than mine was.
While the hyper-control of my food and the diet dogma I spouted was partly due to chemical imbalances in the brain, there were also some psychological causes. I was rejecting new experiences, people, and celebrations, because of my restricted eating. It’s taken me a counseling and time to understand some of the reasons I did this.
People who are having troubles with offending others, and not being able to go out to eat with friends and family, and never letting their kids have ice cream, should totally read Dr. Steven Bratman’s essay on how he recovered from his unhealthy relationship with food: https://www.beyondveg.com/bratman-s/hfj/hf-junkie-1a.shtml It ought to be pasted inside the front cover of every diet book ever, and linked to by every health foodist blog also. Haha.
Rae says
Just want to post how absolutely grateful I am that the family I have around me, including sisters, in-laws, parents, etc. that are either eating how we are, or completely accepting and even accommodating of our food choices. What a blessing! That being said, I echo the 80-20 rule within reason. Sometimes it may be closer to 99-1 and sometimes when the food is way less compromising 60-40. Ultimately it is all about relationships and about the way that you bring the subject to the table. Being less defensive and more matter of fact about your choices (not that they have to be someone else’s choice) makes a huge difference in how open people are. Gratitude goes a long way with people, even if you are gratefully declining. Relationship comes before rules and responsibility… even in the dictionary. (Remember, even within the realm of rules and responsibility, we are ALWAYS in relationship… even if it is with responsibility itself!) Thanks for bringing up this topic!
TInaC says
In my situation the food thing really brought a lot of underlying issues in my family to a head. I would bet any of you a million dollars that if you struggle this much over food there is a big underlying problem with control and manipulations issues in your relationships there in general.
A book that was a wonderful resource for me was “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life”. It changed my life for the better in so many ways, and made it a lot easier for me to have healthy relationships and boundaries with my loved ones. In fact I often wonder if God put my children’s food allergies in our lives to make us address these issues and change our family’s dynamics. WE DO NOT ARGUE OVER FOOD NOW!!! If you could have seen some of the knock down drag outs we had when all this started you would see what a miracle this is!! LOL!!
When my kids were born with food allergies I had no choice but to be extra strict certain dietary restrictions, never mind my new healthy eating convictions. It hurt me terribly that my family or in laws did not respect this or seemingly even to believe me about what the children could or could not have. It hurts to be ridiculed, manipulated, and undermined and I certainly was, almost continuously.
Three big rules I now follow that help bring me peace:
1: I have to do what was best for my children and my family first. This was a task given to me by, I believe, by God and it takes priority over everything else.
2: I will be flexible when I can to be respectful of other’s choices and believes just like I want them to be respectful of mine. To do so I allow unhealthy meals (fee of allergens of course) once a week. That way we can eat out with friends, visit family, attend special occasions, whatever, but not so much it affects our health. I’m sure the tolerance level would be different for different people, but once a week seems to work well for us. The important thing is to set parameters about this and let your family know about them. Telling my mother in law that we have certain convictions, but were willing to relax them to a certain extent because we loved her and wanted her to be able to cook the things she loved to cook for our kids meant a lot to her.
(Now my kids are teens and certain of their friends have stricter rules than ours. They still come over though and their parents relax their rules a bit so that they can spend time with us because they value and trust us and our relationship. It makes me feel trusted and valued, and makes me want to make sure we are respectful to their different believes that much more!! I can now understand more why this meant so much to my mother in law in respect to food.)
3: When I have to refuse certain meals/situations because we had already had our unhealthy meal for the week I just calmly let people know we’ll be bringing our own food (with plenty to share!). I stick to my guns because I know from experience our health depends on it, BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT THE OTHER PERSON THINKS, FEELS, OR EXPRESSES IS ALSO WRONG. Just as it is wrong for them to harass or manipulate me, it is also wrong in reverse. I really don’t need the agreement, support, or understanding of anyone else. It’s nice to have, but not necessary. So when family members are hurt or angry I acknowledge their feelings and frustrations without getting angry or defensive back. Just as I am allowed to have feelings and frustrations, so are they. I try to reword what they say to me and repeat it back to them to show I have heard and understand them, but I don’t defend myself, explain myself, or get angry. When a grandmother wants a special meal with a child and can’t have it, it’s hurtful to her! Some people are mature enough to shrug off small disappointments and frustrations, some aren’t. Some are allowing their own issues and past hurts to color the situation, often very understandably. That’s fine, but making my kids sick won’t really help them. It’s just the way it is, and they are just the way they are and we can’t change that.
Hope I have not sounded preachy, I have just found such peace and empowerment with putting these issues behind me that I wanted to share. Family and group get-togethers are so much more pleasant now, and when they aren’t, we tell everyone we love them and leave, even if it’s just for a walk, lol! They understand now that they can’t manipulate us into arguments or changing things that are important to us, at least not without intelligent, non-judgmental discussion. When I am around non family who think I’m nutty, I have a sense of humor about it now. Everyone does not have to agree with me, it is what makes the world interesting! It’s very freeing!!
Erin says
Love this Kelly- how we treat the earth and what we put in our bodies is important, but in 100 years none of us will be here anymore anyway so we can’t let food be our God! (not even grassfed butter :))
Ann Marie @ CHEESESLAVE says
My favorite great uncle just passed away this weekend. He was the one who introduced me to WAPF.
When people die, it is always too soon.
I say love each other and be sweet to each other while you still have the time together. Eat what you want when you’re at home, but when you’re with friends and loved ones, eat what’s there.
Life is too short to fight about food.
Stanley Fishman says
Tough issue. I just cannot bring myself to eat factory food, because I know too much about what is in it, and I know I offend some people. I do not preach, though, and sometimes people ask me why I do not eat a particular thing. At that point I will politely tell them. Too much factory food can literally make me sick, as body is no longer used to the toxins.
In a way, it reminds me of a time when people who did not smoke were considered weird.
Beth says
I have always told my children that people are more important than things, and that includes food. They have become adept at pushing food around their plate and taking small servings at my mom’s house.
They have even started planning on the way to my mom’s house (boxed, microwaved meals are the norm – or take out). On the way down last week middle dd said, “I know, I’ll offer to make grilled cheese like last time!” We ended up getting Schlotsky’s sandwiches instead but that was my compromise since we arrived at 7 pm. (and yes, we had Chick-Fil-A fries on the way home because we met friends there as we passed through our old town – and had a great visit).
My mom actually got angry when we were at the grocery store shopping for an extended visit last month because I picked the block cheese instead of the sliced imitation cheese for those grilled cheese sandwiches. I finally said that they are not even the same food and she let it go. She didn’t make the cheese, they were the same price, *I* was going to slice it, but somehow she got really offended.
Youngest dd can’t resist the boxed frozen waffles at her house, but oldest dd will fret and dig until she finds something. I try to keep Ezekiel bread in my mom’s freezer and oldest makes her own “waffles” with that using real butter and real syrup. My mom loves to give them those gooey bakery breakfast rolls and I could go on and on and on… She works for weight watchers, okay??
That said, she actually set out some boxes of weight watchers snack bars and said they were for me to see which ones the girls could eat and to leave the others (I was amazed that she even considered that). I took 2 because I knew the friend I was seeing on the way home eats a LOT of soy and sure enough – they were a blessing for her and my mom got to feel good that I took a couple.
When my mom gives me boxes of hamburger helper I say thank you and take them. I either use just the noodles and am thankful or I give them to someone who needs them.
Sorry, I’ve rambled too much! You hit on something that I am constantly struggling with because I see my mom quite often. Now I need to decide what to do about her upcoming birthday cake…
Our Small Hours says
This is one of the themes I talk about on my blog. In fact, this is the reason I began blogging about my real food journey.
I’ve been on the receiving end of, “I’m right, this is why and you should do it to!” and no matter how right the person truly is, it is still obnoxious. So, I blog and if people have questions, I steer them to my blog and to same media where I researched in order to get where I am today.
Live your life, be an example and when people notice that you are doing something differently from the rest that is leading to an incredible life, they will ask you what your secret is and be more receptive to hearing about it.
Andi says
I do believe relationships are more important than food. I really appreciate what was said about relationships being a two-way street. It is not just up to us to pacify relatives/friends whom don’t understand/believe in how we eat, it is also up to them to choose the relationship over food and respect our choice to eat differently. On my side of the family, my mom tries to be respectful and asks if the kids can have whatever, or if she is making something for dinner how can she serve/modify the dinner so it is acceptable. On my husbands side, no such luck. We (even before going on GAPS) are expected to eat EVERYTHING that is served. If we choose to make a compromise and eat a store-bought cake that is served, but don’t eat the food coloring frosting and simply politely leave it on our plates, the family yells at us and accuses us of hating the birthday person and ruining the whole birthday party! In my opinion, what WE eat (or don’t) is far too important to them…THEY have the food issues. I have never policed what other people put in their mouths (or didn’t) when hosting a gathering. Not only does it not matter to me, but I am too caught up in conversation and enjoying the relationships to care. I agree about what was said about children growing up to make their own choices regarding food. We talk to our kids about just that…eating food. We happen to be Christian, and talk about the sin in the garden with Adam and Eve. God gave them every herb that yields seed and every tree whose fruit yields seed for food (Gen1:29). He did NOT give them the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It was not food for them. If they ate what was not food for them, they would die (Gen 2:17) Satan deceived them into eating what God had not called food by making Eve think it was good for food (though God had said it was not food), pleasant to the eyes, and would make her wise (Gen 3:6). Adam and Eve were created to live forever, but eating what was not food caused their death (though not immediate), and their life became harder (Gen 3:17-19). This is not a new battle! We teach our kids to eat what God has called food (this does NOT mean eating kosher), and to avoid things God has never called food (many food colorings are petroleum based, for example), in order to choose life. Non-food items cause death (though not immediate), and will make your life become hard. When asked what the kids can eat now, we just say “Food. If it is food, they can eat it.” We are, of course, temporarily avoiding complex carbs because we are on GAPS, but we let people know that is just for a season.
Colleen B says
Ha! I gotta say yes, but so far I am pretty sure everyone who is important in my life has forgiven me! I laughed at the timeliness of this because just today I posted on my FB page that I find it ridiculously ironic that a certain fast food restaurant is a sponsor of a certain International sporting event going on right now and I hit a nerve with a couple people. They think it is a good thing because said fast food chain supports the RMH. I don’t personally think that is a good enough reason to support a corporation (though I strongly believe in the charity). So, I think you have to pick your battles. I have watched those around me who believe in this lifestyle and who feel CALLED by God to be on this journey, and they have incredible ease and peace about their choices, no matter how unpopular they are in their home, their community (or their doctor’s office). They realize not everyone around them has to agree with them and that their kids (who don’t have a medical condition or allergy to a specific food) will survive if they eat 1 ___ (fill in the blank) at a friends house. And those people have taught me a lot. I am training my kids so THEY say “no thank you.” And after 6-12 months of this, my friends are starting to ask “do you eat ___ ?”. It will never be perfect, but if perfection is our goal we are going to be very tired! I take every opportunity I can where we mess up or go off the wagon for a few days (camping, going to the in-laws, etc) to help my kids evaluate how they feel and what they ate. That is EYE opening. And then we talk about how it all tasted when we ate it (the hot dog, the candy, the popsicles, etc – usually tasted really good!) and how sometimes we need to choose no even though our mouths say yes in order to feel good tomorrow (or next week)! I suppose I am still learning that lesson at my age, it will be a life-long learning lesson with my kids. I agree, try not to end a relationship over it. But, I believe it goes both ways. If you have someone in your life who has no respect for the changes you are making, perhaps a heart-to-heart about the lack of respect is in order. As I just posted in response to my nerve-touching FB post, “I am ok stirring the pot. When you get stirred up, life change happens.” Think about the first thing you read/heard/saw that started you on this journey and how you felt in your gut when it happened. So don’t be afraid to make people just a little uncomfortable! Even if they don’t jump on right away…they remember. And when they start asking you questions at the holiday party this Christmas, you will realize you are making an impact! Also, find a support group, or start one. We have a group in my town that meets monthly (or more) to learn, share, & have group buying opportunities. It is amazing how much easier it is when you know you can call or email 2, or 5, or 20 different people who are all running this marathon as well! And this blog is a part of my support system! So thanks Kelly!
KitchenKop says
I love that we are part of your support system, you are all a part of mine, too!!!
Hayley says
On a lighter note…my mom showed me that episode and said it reminded her of me, lol. They’ve been accepting and she’ll ask me “can you eat xyz?” I tell her there are only a couple of things I avoid completely but I’ll still eat whatever she makes when she wants to feed us 🙂
Heather@Food Ponderings says
My MIL tends to be very interested in how I eat, though she hasn’t been able to fully accept it yet. But I give her props for trying. My vegetarian and vegan friends for the most part actually accept how I eat because I go for the most ethically sourced meats I can, and they see how vibrantly healthy I am (though it’s not enough to change their minds). But in the end, you can only change yourself, and while it’s tough to have to constantly justify decisions all the time, it’s worth it. I had to do that with going to a midwife, breastfeeding one child for 3 years, no vaxxing. It’s one more drop in the bucket.
Sahara says
Such beautiful sound advice Kelly. I never turn my nose up at something prepared with love.
80 / 20 is a great rule of thumb to live and eat in the real world (excepting major allergens /intolerances of course.)
I don’t want to lose friends over not eating one of their homemade cookies. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
Diane says
I am a grandmother of two beautiful little ones whose parents feed them things I would never serve. When they visit here, I feed them what we eat and compromise a little, but I do not feed them the boxed junk they are used to. When we go there, I just bite my tongue. As you grow older you find that you cannot dictate to others and you can’t even comment if you want to get along. I just pray for us all a lot. I am not in charge–God is.
Rebekah says
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” Matthew 6:25
For believers, I think it’s even more important that we strike the appropriate balance between food and relationships. People have eternal value. Food does not. Moreover, the care of our bodies and eating of the most pristine foods CAN become an idol. So while I 100 % support and believe in the Real Food movement and want to feed my family the best I can, I don’t want to have to tell my Savior someday that I alienated those I could have witnessed to, all in the name of nourishing my fleshly body.
J in VA says
Thank you Rebeka…you verbalized exactly what I was thinking without being able to find the words.
leigh says
BEAUTIFULLY PUT.
TInaC says
very well put Rebekah, thanks for your post
amber jackson says
Recently while visiting my mom she paid me the highest compliment when we were eating out, at the senior center in the small town where I grew up, she said you can tell Amber eats healthy because her girls love salad and fruit, it was so sweet. And its true we eat salad almost every night or lunch during the summertime and my girls do love it. I try to follow the eighty twenty rule and it seems to work pretty well for us. i think the relationships with family is way more important than food. I do tend to pick friends however that eat similarly to my family mostly because WalMart meat makes my husband have the worst gas and then I have to deal with that, yuck 🙂
Katie says
Over the years, I too have come to realize that relationships are most important and that for the sake of fellowship, when we are at other people’s houses, I try my best to lighten up. I do steer my little ones clear of things like jello and cheetos at potlocks, but allow them to eat things, within reason, that I would not serve them in our own home. I figure this is a rare occasion and they eat healthily the rest of the time. My biggest conflict comes with my mother-in-law who is so completely mainstream, trusting of doctors, nutritionists, government and their agencies, etc. I think she thinks she eats healthy, but the food in their home is laden with artificial ingredients, preservatives, etc. My kids spend a fair amount of time at their house. She feeds them a meal once every week or two. I could handle that if it were just factory farmed meat, non-organic produce, refined flour…stuff like that. But it’s all those man-made additives in processed foods that really bother me. She knows how we eat, and I know she thinks I am a little crazy but I think she also tries to a degree to not give them things that are too bad. But bad in her eyes is so very different from my own. Does she have to feed my kids peanut butter with hydrogenated oil? A non-organic natural PB can’t cost much more. When my now 6 year old was first spending time at their house, I would try to take my own food for him, but she likes to provide meals for the kids, and I felt like I was stepping on her toes or telling her I don’t trust her. When they come to my house to watch them, she likes to be able to bring lunch with for them. I don’t feel like I can say no. I think I am extra sensitive to this issue right now, because we just spent several days together in a condo, so we ate a lot of meals together on vacation. Fortunately, I brought much of our own food with, and that really helped, and besides some gmo potato chips, icky ice cream and bad PB (despite having brought our own) we didn’t do too bad. But I was able to read the labels on some of her food, and it just shocked me. There is a boxed “soup” called Mrs. Grasses, or something like that, that she has mentioned in the past, and she sometimes makes for them for lunch. Now, I think, conventional soup, ick, I’d rather they didn’t, but I had no idea what this stuff actually was. There wasn’t anything recognizable as food on the ingredient list. Seriously, msg, polysorbate 80, propylene glycol, etc. It just makes me wonder, does she even read the label? I don’t understand why she would feed this to my kids. Sorry, I know I am ranting a bit when we are discussing being more charitable. I do feel really conflicted about just letting her give things like this to my kids, and talking with her about not. She’s the kinda person who can get easily offended, and I don’t want to cause problems in our relationship. She is really a wonderful person, who loves them so much and is great with them. I just wish she was more sensitive to food issues, but I’m not sure what can be done about that.
Shannon says
I totally agree with Nancy O above! The grand parents (or friends) are not out to sabotage your healthy eating! They just are showing love in their own way. A little junk food once in a while is fine. As long as you are feeding your kids well at home, let it slide. Relationships with family and friends are more important. I have to say, I have been on the “offended” side of things before, as it was actually my MIL who started on the road to real food. We got reluctantly dragged along, but her nagging (at first) was a real turn-off. She has since learned to tone that down, and we have since improved our way of eating in lots of ways, though not as much as she would like. She has to feed 2 people, we have to feed 7, so that limits what we can do. And really, I think it is so rude to go to a meal at someone’s house and then not eat what they serve, or complain that they have margarine instead of butter, or whatever. Most issues in life are not worth the fight, if it is going to alienate everyone.
leigh says
LIKE
Colleen says
Kelly, I really think your advice was spot on! Having been there when I first became a “real foodie” I KNOW that I offended people all over the place. And we can’t really help it, once we discover how terrible processed food is and all the rest of it, we want everyone we know and love to be healthy and eat good stuff, too. I tried so hard with my parents and my in-laws, but I may as well have just beat my head against a wall.
I have now learned to take them real foods to try (coconut oil, homemade cornbread, etc.) and I have had a lot more response this way – how did you make this, can I get the recipe?? I had a break-thru with my mother a few weeks ago when we had my parents over for dinner and I made homemade honey-mustard dressing. My mother was eating it out of the jar with a spoon! LOL! I gave her the rest of the jar and sent her home with recipe to make it.
The best lesson that I have learned as a real foodie is to always do the best that I can and don’t sweat it when you (or your kids) have to eat something that we would rather not have. We live by the 80/20 rule and it has made things so much simplier.
Cathy F. says
I’m totally there. Most of my family (fortunately for me) will patiently listen to me and smile (and then usually my brother makes some kind of wisecrack). But so far, none of them have taken me seriously… enough to make personal changes, that is. I’ve toned it down a lot over the past year, even though most of my family members are overweight and sick. They are the ones that must make the lifestyle change decision. I can’t do it for them.
NancyO says
Bear in mind that Dr. Price achieved good results making positive health changes in orphans by feeding them one good meal a day. One meal! 80/20 is the guiding principle for going to Grandma’s or friends’ or Chick-Fil-A. Receiving those meals and treats with thanksgiving instead of anxiety is the key.
I know how easy it is to stress over going to Grandma’s. I live close to my MIL (a mile) and regular meals with multiple desserts and MSG laden sauces are things we have navigated around for years. Basically I told my children to enjoy Grandma’s love while we were there, because that’s what it is…love! Just like I feed them out of love! They understood the difference between eating there and eating at home, and as they’ve grown they’ve learned (most of the time) to make choices that are theirs and not imposed by me. If someone is undermining your authority with your children that’s one thing. If they’re trying to show their love by offering cake, that’s another. Discernment is the key, and humility is the solution.
Andrea says
This is a good attitude if your kids are already generally healthy – however, many real foodies have made the switch because of allergies and digestive issues. I first had conflicts with my in laws when we had to go on GAPS. The 80/20 rule is not an option there. Luckily, the great results my kids showed convinced them we did the right thing!
Andrea says
I had this issue with my in laws to some extent – and still do a little. Every birthday is a box/store bought cake and I cringe to see my kids eating it! However, at Easter and Valentine’s day and even Halloween, my mother in law gives my girls treats like fruit, knick knacks, crayons, and stickers. I am so grateful for her meeting me half way and, while I still dread family get togethers because of all the transfats, white flour, and white sugar that is everywhere, I try to keep it in stride and make up for it by feeding my kids “super nutritiously” before and after the events.
Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama says
You do need to respect the relationship. But if it’s someone you’re close to and spend a lot of time with, letting your kids have “just this one treat” becomes a problem, because it’s no longer a rare treat. So then, while the relationship needs to come FIRST, the other person eventually needs to realize that your choice in food isn’t a judgment of their choices, but they need to have respect for YOU by allowing you to make the choices that are right for you. If you’ve focused on the relationship, let them know you aren’t trying to offend them, stopped talking about why this food is healthier, and have done everything in your power to smooth the relationship, and the other person is still acting with animosity because the sheer knowledge that you make different choices bothers them, well…that becomes THEIR problem, not yours.
Relationships are a two-way street and no, you shouldn’t shove your diet down peoples’ throats, even out of a sincere desire to make their lives better. That’s over-enthusiasm and not the way to win believers, if they’re not ready to hear it. But if you’re holding back and being gentle and respectful…and they’re still angry…then what, you know?
In that case, what I’d suggest is avoiding the person if you have that option (maybe if it’s a friend), but if you don’t (like your MIL), I’d sit down with her and say, “I understand you disagree with our choices and I respect your right to make different choices for yourself. I hope that you can respect my right to make choices for my family, too. We don’t have to believe the same or eat the same way. We need to be able to agree to disagree, though. I won’t push our way of eating on you, but I don’t want my children to eat certain things. If you’re looking for a way to treat them, I have some ideas for you.”
Then stick to it.
We had family who would constantly try to give our oldest ridiculous things like chocolate frosting, root beer, etc. when she was under a year old because they wanted to and felt like she was “missing out.” We finally put our foot down about things like that, and they respected it. Grandparents still bring the kids treats a lot, but now it’s more like natural fruit snacks or Larabars. 🙂
Relationships are important and we have to be careful not to step on toes. But we don’t have to let people push us around either. 🙂
JMR says
My extended family just thinks I’m crazy in the way I eat and they ignore me for the most part. They’re never going to believe butter is good for me, and they just roll their eyes whenever I mention I am going to a local farm to pick up raw milk. My mother thinks I’ve done this as a personal attack on her and she is deeply hurt that I won’t eat in restaurants with her multiple times a week; it has pretty much destroyed our relationship. Friends at work often comment on how I eat because I pack my own homemade food, and I think there’s a lot of guilt associated with eating. I often find people give me explanations and excuses for what they are eating even when I haven’t said a word or even noticed their food. Usually, I don’t try to share my views on food with others because they are not interested. If I am having a conversation with someone about food and nutrition, I tell them about WAPF and Nourishing Traditions, but usually all I get in return is a discourse on the wonders of soy milk, veganism and Juice Plus.
Kelly says
So sad about your Mom! Could you compromise & go out with her ONCE a week??
kathy says
So if I go out to eat with my Mom once a week. It would still be awkward as I fretted over the least of the worst options on the menu. I wouldn’t want to be there and it would be hard to hide. Also, it just seems to encourage more requests to go out to eat or more requests to eat other standard American fair. I am ALL for compromise. Things cannot be ALL one way and still be a healthy relationship. I am ALL for honor thy Mother and Father. But in the end it seems like she is asking me to do something that is against my beliefs and relationships have to include respect. If she isn’t respecting, how much time needs to be invested in this relationship after the honoring? I do think I can honor her and still not go out to eat with her…but it is a very delicate issue. I do end up giving in after softball games, maybe after a crazy day and I don’t have dinner ready anyways… There is give-way, but I think it is okay to set firm boundaries in one definitive area just like we would do with sleep. If Grandma wanted junior to stay up late for fireworks, I would acquiesce, but not once a week. Once a week is too much to ask in sleep and in food. Just my humble opinion.
KitchenKop says
Couldn’t you pick the place, though? And check the menu ahead of time so you knew what to order?
Just thinking about how it could work…
JMR says
I do eat out with her at least once a week, but she eats out at least twice, sometimes three times, each day. I don’t know of any restaurants in my town that serve real food, unfortunately, but I do the best I can and rarely make any mention of my eating habits during a meal with her. When I invite her to my house, she won’t eat any of my “weird” food, even if the food is just ordinary roast chicken and vegetables. Somehow, by changing the way I eat, I have really found some extreme deep seated issue within her.
anna s. says
Sounds like my mom. She has narcissistic persanality disorder and it is her way or the highway. She uses my food choices against me with my children and is actively trying to turn them against me and the way we eat. She is a sad child inside and if people don’t agree with her, she pouts and guilts them. Some realationships are nor worth keeping. She comes to my house to eat and picks and complains about the food, even when it is something she taught me to make!
IC says
What if you had her come over for lunch sometimes?
Jill E. says
This happens to me too! My mom doesn’t even think what I’m doing is healthy since I’m still overweight (a LOT of hormone problems to overcome still). There’s a lady at work who I’m friends with that is doing a fruit and vegetable cleanse right now. Practically all she eats is watermelon all day, and some vegetables. She is recovering from breast cancer, and I’ve talked to her about how I eat and why, but she doesn’t believe me, and even tries to sell ME all the SAD lies. I’m so afraid of what her diet is doing to her! It’s frustrating to want to help a person because you care, but Kelly is right – it’s not possible unless they are ready for it (which they may never be).
leigh says
I went through a similar situation w/ my mom, except it had to do with doing ‘unnecessary commerce’ on Sunday. I came to visit my folks one weekend (3 hrs away from home) and Sunday after mass my dad wanted to take me to their favorite little greasy spoon for breakfast. My mom stood there and argued w/ my dad in front of me about her ‘convictions.’ If she was so convicted about it, she should have planned ahead to cook us breakfast at home, but she doesn’t cook anymore and my poor dad would have had to do it when he works 60 hrs/wk on the road.
She ended up going with us and just having water, but she alienated my already strained relationship with her and ended up just looking foolish. Altercations such as the ones you are describing like this one I had with my mom, if I had no convictions about faith, this would have done little to convice me. It still has me turned off to some things I might otherwise have been intersted in.
I’m to the point where I do not offer any sort of excuse or explanation for some of my choices b/c people just plain do not understand or care and carrying on like a lunatic and having a big fit over it is not worth it – esp. when you have to eat crow. I have not come as far as many of you in my eating habits, but I have absolutely no problem allowing my kids to eat junk at gramma and papas house or eating out once in a while. You know why? B/c it rarely happens, that’s why it’s a treat. If you feed your kids well at home, why are you so threatened by others? If you feel other people’s food is so terrible that you need to fill up your kids before a family Thanksgiving, by all means, do so. But don’t bring it up – it is an uncharitable thing to do to your host.
Unless your child has severe sensitivites and you are completely inundated with occasions of eating away from home, let it go people! You do nothing for the cause by acting like a fool and getting all hot under the collar.
Saeriu says
A couple of weeks ago, we made the mistake of bringing up to my MIL our Easter dinner from this year. We were told it would be a home cooked meal and so we made plans to spend time with my husband’s side of the family. We ended up going to a sports bar…for Easter. With children. We’ve been absolutely mad about it to the point we will not eat a holiday dinner, at ‘her house’ ever again. (We have no problem hosting.) A couple weeks ago, my husband, very gingerly brought it up and made the request for real food at a real person’s house. My MIL exploded in angry fits and broke down in tears about how unfair it is that we don’t want processed food, we don’t understand her…blah blah blah. I’m so unsympathetic to drama, it’s unreal. My husband spent a year in Afghanistan and missed every holiday and is mostly looking for a ‘real family’ experience during the holidays…mentioning that only made the situation worse.
Since Easter, whenever we go to a family member’s (mine or his side) I plan ahead and make dough for cinnamon rolls or coffee cake–may not be totally clean but I know, in my heart, it’s 100 times better for us than anything from the store.
Sometimes it’s just exhausting being the weirdo.
Annelies says
Saeriu, I am so sorry for what you had to go through and especially for your husband, who just wants a special family holiday with real food. I still vividly remember a Thanksgiving growing up, when my mom was working her tail off, and we could not have a real Thanksgiving. We went to a Ryan’s Buffet for Thanksgiving dinner, and even as a teenager, it made me want to cry right there. I vowed that day that when I had kids, I would always cook real food on Thanksgiving. Granted, what I understand as “real” has certainly evolved through the years, thank goodness. I just wanted to say I feel your pain. And I love your closing line, “Sometimes it’s just exhausting being the weirdo.”
Zippy says
I feel the same way about Thanksgiving. In my family growing up, Thanksgiving was almost the only time in a whole year that we ate real food. Nowadays, I love making my own real food Thanksgiving, but some relatives get offended when I insist upon doing Thanksgiving at our place. They don’t understand why I don’t want to eat their Thanksgiving, which they pre-order from a supermarket. They pay about $100 and then pick up the whole meal, pre-cooked. They just have to warm it up. It all tastes okay, but it’s not healthy and it’s not real.
Zippy says
I actually deal with this by traveling overseas at Thanksgiving time. I host my own Real Food Thanksgiving in early October and invite everyone. Then I leave the country. Come late November, I’m on the other side of the planet and they can eat all the soy-based turkey they want. 🙂
I totally agree with you that it’s exhausting being the weirdo.
Teena says
Holidays are tough. We usually eat before we go and bring a veggie tray and dessert to share so there is something the kids can eat if they get hungry. I know it hurts my grandmother and mother that we won’t eat their food but I have to take care of my kids. I’ve tried to teach them about healthy real food eating but when they head I don’t drink pop, read every label (even when it is on my “safe” list) or hardly eat out they didn’t want to give up their lifestyle. Round and round I went to no avail. I just hope someday they open their ears. In the mean time, I know I am doing what is right for my family!!
TInaC says
In my situation the food thing really brought a lot of underlying issues in my family to a head. I would bet any of you a million dollars that if you struggle this much over food there is a big underlying problem with control and manipulations issues in your relationships there in general.
A book that was a wonderful resource for me was “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life”. It changed my life for the better in so many ways, and made it a lot easier for me to have healthy relationships and boundaries with my loved ones. In fact I often wonder if God put my children’s food allergies in our lives to make us address these issues and change our family’s dynamics. WE DO NOT ARGUE OVER FOOD NOW!!! If you could have seen some of the knock down drag outs we had when all this started you would see what a miracle this is!! LOL!!
When my kids were born with food allergies I had no choice but to be extra strict certain dietary restrictions, never mind my new healthy eating convictions. It hurt me terribly that my family or in laws did not respect this or seemingly even to believe me about what the children could or could not have. It hurts to be ridiculed, manipulated, and undermined and I certainly was, almost continuously.
Three big rules I now follow that help bring me peace:
1: I have to do what was best for my children and my family first. This was a task given to me by, I believe, by God and it takes priority over everything else.
2: I will be flexible when I can to be respectful of other’s choices and believes just like I want them to be respectful of mine. To do so I allow unhealthy meals (fee of allergens of course) once a week. That way we can eat out with friends, visit family, attend special occasions, whatever, but not so much it affects our health. I’m sure the tolerance level would be different for different people, but once a week seems to work well for us. The important thing is to set parameters about this and let your family know about them. Telling my mother in law that we have certain convictions, but were willing to relax them to a certain extent because we loved her and wanted her to be able to cook the things she loved to cook for our kids meant a lot to her.
(Now my kids are teens and certain of their friends have stricter rules than ours. They still come over though and their parents relax their rules a bit so that they can spend time with us because they value and trust us and our relationship. It makes me feel trusted and valued, and makes me want to make sure we are respectful to their different believes that much more!! I can now understand more why this meant so much to my mother in law in respect to food.)
3: When I have to refuse certain meals/situations because we had already had our unhealthy meal for the week I just calmly let people know we’ll be bringing our own food (with plenty to share!). I stick to my guns because I know from experience our health depends on it, BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT THE OTHER PERSON THINKS, FEELS, OR EXPRESSES IS ALSO WRONG. Just as it is wrong for them to harass or manipulate me, it is also wrong in reverse. I really don’t need the agreement, support, or understanding of anyone else. It’s nice to have, but not necessary. So when family members are hurt or angry I acknowledge their feelings and frustrations without getting angry or defensive back. Just as I am allowed to have feelings and frustrations, so are they. I try to reword what they say to me and repeat it back to them to show I have heard and understand them, but I don’t defend myself, explain myself, or get angry. When a grandmother wants a special meal with a child and can’t have it, it’s hurtful to her! Some people are mature enough to shrug off small disappointments and frustrations, some aren’t. Some are allowing their own issues and past hurts to color the situation, often very understandably. That’s fine, but making my kids sick won’t really help them. It’s just the way it is, and they are just the way they are and we can’t change that.
Hope I have not sounded preachy, I have just found such peace and empowerment with putting these issues behind me that I wanted to share. Family and group get-togethers are so much more pleasant now, and when they aren’t, we tell everyone we love them and leave, even if it’s just for a walk, lol! They understand now that they can’t manipulate us into arguments or changing things that are important to us, at least not without intelligent, non-judgmental discussion. When I am around non family who think I’m nutty, I have a sense of humor about it now. Everyone does not have to agree with me, it is what makes the world interesting! It’s very freeing!!
TInaC says
I don’t know why this showed up as a reply to your post Teena, lol! Now I dont’ know how to cancel it, wasn’t meant to comment on your post.
Sorry!
Christine says
TinaC–great post, thanks for sharing.
Kara says
I think it was good advice, Kelly! You are correct in that, we can’t change peoples opinions until they are ready to be open to new to them ideas. Aside from serious food allergies, it is not worth alienating close family and friends due to food. I don’t have kids, yet, but I think the advice of sending real food with your kids when they go to visit family or to camps is good. We also have to learn to accept that kids are their own person too. At some point, they will be making their own decisions, about food, and everything else! We have to hope we have taught them well enough that they understand their decisions, about food & everything else, have consequences. They are probably going to taste some fast food at some point. Or a twinkie. That’s ok. If we feed them (physically & mentally), the best we can at home & during their young years when they are still developing, they will grow ro be healthy happy adults! Of course we always want what is best for them, but we have to learn to let go a little. All this comes from someone who has been accused of being a “real control freak”, and that statement has more than just a little bit of truth to it.
Sue says
I am not eating 100% correctly at my house so it may be easier for me to let go of some things, but when my kids go to their grandparents trailer for an extended time, they always want me to tell them what the kids like to eat. On top of suggesting real food, I provide them with raw milk, butter, cheese or whatever else I can without overwhelming them. They know I’m a bit weird but so far they’ve been pretty accepting of the fact that we make if different choices. 2 of my kids can’t drink pasteurized milk anyway so it seems like a better option to send along what they can have. I haven’t faced this problem with friends yet as my kids don’t really go on sleepovers. I also ask my children to turn down offers of pop, too many sweets or ther obvious junk.
AmandaLP says
Weston Price used the “One Amazing Meal a Day” (as detailed by Ramiel Nagel) that fed children one awesome meal (broth, liver/shellfish, whole wheat sourdough bread, lots of butter, raw milk). He found that the children really responded to this, even while eating processed foods at home.
Adding good nutrient dense foods is good, even if everything isn’t perfect.
Ashleyroz says
100 years ago the worst offenders were white sugar, canned food, and refined flour. I have a feeling if WAP knew what they were passing off as food products nowadays.
lara says
Kelly
That all sounds really nice however I really wish it was that easy. How does that work in practice ie going over to a friends house for a sleepover when you dont want your child to eat anything with additives etc in it. I can handle some store bought meat or some non organic vegis and fruit but I cant handle all the additives etc. What about eating school camps or eating at Nanas house when the sweets , chips and ice-cream come out and the pre bought sauces loaded with MSG not to mention the sausages and ham etc full of nitrates. How can I sit there and let them eat this so as to not offend and not feel like I have let my children down and sent them mixed messages.
I am really trying to not offend anyone but wanting your children to eat Real food today makes you the strange one.
I would love to hear your thoughts
Kelly says
I agree that’s it’s frustrating when WE are made out to be the weird ones for our food choices. It’s so ironic especially in certain situations depending on their health issues. But limiting the kids’ exposure to these situations is one option, & when that’s not an option, steering them to better choices gently is another. Lastly, I do think that keeping in mind the 80/20 rule as some talked about below is another way to get through w/out being offensive.
Each situation requires loads of wisdom as we navigate this toxic world!