To continue on with yesterday's topic of violence in our schools, today I'm going to share a very disturbing and heartbreaking article. Once you read it, then come back and see if you agree with what I propose as a solution to stop the bullying problem. Or to greatly diminish it I should say, I doubt anything could stop it completely…
Here's the article (have your kleenex handy):
Parents seek answers after 12 year old's suicide.
Parents seek answers after 12 year old's suicideHow Can We STOP Bullying?
I know, your heart is breaking for Kennis' family and your blood is boiling about those bullies too isn't it? And it doesn't sound like they even showed any remorse afterward…
So we all know that we can't count on schools to fix this problem. Yes, they should've expelled those girls at the first sign of their bullying, but for whatever reason, oftentimes schools just don't. And yes, the family unit in our country has broken down terribly, Dad's aren't in the picture or they're weak role models, who even KNOWS all the dysfunction that goes on behind closed doors and all the reasons that a kid can turn into a bully, but sadly, that's not going to change anytime soon either.
Where are the answers to teen violence, suicide, and all the dysfunction and sadness in between?
For sure there isn't an easy tie-it-in-a-bow fix to the mess, but I have an idea — I'll share my thoughts, even though you may disagree…
Here's what I propose:
GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
Yes, take them out of the school when you find out that there's a problem! Now obviously, this will depend on what's going on, the severity of the situation, etc., but personally, I'd err on the side of caution. Whether it's homeschooling, changing schools, an online school, homeschool co-op classes, or whatever, there are enough options nowadays, but we need to protect our kids from the MEAN kids out there. Physically AND emotionally.
Our job is to prepare them for the real world, yes, and to teach them about being strong in adversity, in certain situations the best thing may be helping them to get through it and I hate the thought of coddled kids as much as anyone, but there are plenty of other ways to teach our kids to be tough. In real life, as adults, if we're treated like this we DON'T HANG AROUND those people anymore. We don't say, “I'm going to teach myself to handle adversity,” and continue being around them! Not only that, but as adults we're more mature and better able to handle these situations. We say, “Wow what jerks!” and we move on. You may ask, “What if the jerk is at your job someday and you just don't have a choice?” Again, as adults you're better able to handle it — you talk to your boss or try to work it out somehow, OR you change jobs — as adults we have choices!
As I said in my post where I explained how we came to our decision to homeschool (“If you thought I was crazy before, wait 'til you hear this one“):
Some kids have no trouble moving through all of these academic and social minefields, but ours were struggling, so I’m thankful for a way to get them out of that unpredictable mess. I don’t want to shield them from a little adversity which brings growing and learning experiences, but I most certainly do want to shield them from dangerous experiences until they’re mature enough to deal with them appropriately or in a position to know how to avoid them in the first place.”
One thing I didn't share in that post was that at the time, one of our kids was dealing with a little bit of a bullying issue. It wasn't terrible (as far as we knew), but when I went in to talk to the school about it, they handled it SO poorly that my heart still gets all worked up and angry when I think about it, and that was 4 years ago. It was one more reason that I was SO happy to break him out of that place, it was one more confirmation that God provided to make me sure that was the path for us. One of my close friends' kids was bullied for months (one certain kid knocked the books out of his hands every day one school year) and it broke her heart even more because he didn't tell her until it was almost time for school to start the following year, that's when he threw a huge fit about going back. They did lots of role-playing and helped him figure out how to handle it, but in the back of her mind she knew that if it didn't get better quickly, they'd definitely homeschool.
It may not be the path for every family, but there are so many options now.
Leaving them in a place where they feel tortured daily is NOT an option! However, if you make a change, there's a chance you could help them find their people. Everyone needs to feel like they belong, and for a lot of kids, the public school is not where that's at. Some kids may be quirky, and in a public school that could be seen as “nerdy” (and therefore get them teased), but in another school, they could be seen as super cool! Please help your kids find their tribe.
Are there guarantees?
What if your kids' family life is pretty solid, does this mean you're safe from tragedy? No way. No family is perfect, and from toddlers to teens, parenting is just HARD. Plus it's a difficult and much different world now. We can only do the best we can and ask God to fill in the holes for the rest.
What if you find out YOUR child is doing the bullying?
If it's your child who is mean sometimes it could be a sign of deeper family dysfunction and/or too much entitlement with that child, BUT I'll bet there are times where there are a couple of great parents who are just exasperated and wonder where in the world such darkness in their child came from. How difficult that would be!
Either way, I'd pull their butts out of that situation and fast. You can't be a decent human being? Then you don't get to be with your friends (who likely feed their need for affirmation and attention around the bullying). So again: there's homeschool, another school, online school or whatever. Be sure to do this with love, so they know that it is because you want the best for them; make sure they understand that it is NOT good for them to hurt others, it will put a deep mark on their souls, and you just won't allow it, but you love them and want to help them find a place where they are safe and where others are safe. (Here's where you could talk to them about asking for forgiveness if they're ready…)
SO many different situations…
There are many many different ways all of this can play out, so all you can do, no matter what side of the mess your child is on, is to pray like crazy, talk to your kids a LOT, and try to figure out the best way through. No one fix will work for all, but if you're in your child's corner, and they see you going to bat for them, that will speak volumes into their heart. They'll know they are heard, and that they can come to you.
A reader friend sent me an article for what she thinks is a good solution:
No entity can do anything meaningful (more than is presently being done) to thwart a disaffected person hell-bent on committing such an act.
But you can.
You can talk to your co-worker for a few minutes. You can talk to the kid in your Physics class that appears to be all alone. You can teach your children to do the same, to make sure no one is left to feel totally isolated. Because that’s the breeding ground. That’s where the seeds are planted.”
(From: There's a way to stop mass shootings and you won't like it.)
I can't say I totally agree with this, because unfortunately, I don't think people will DO it. Oh some will try to notice who is isolated and engage them, but not many. 🙁 This reader also shared a bit of her own story:
I am a parent of children who have been taunted and put down at school and we worry constantly about them. For some reason our society’s youth have gotten onto this kick of feeling that everyone needs to respond to the corporate marketing machine in the same way, and if you don’t have all the name brand clothing and branded shoes you have less value than those that do. There is so much emphasis on the package, and the poor child’s heart and soul are being lost in the marketing myth.
Other students don’t want to stand up to the bullies so they either say nothing or joke along with the bully, laughing uncomfortably perhaps, but still laughing, I’m sure the students don’t realize how hurtful this is, or perhaps they are making a decision to protect themselves from the bully by jumping on board with the hurtfulness…but either way it heartbreaking.
That article broke my heart to think about how sad and alone this girl felt, and how society failed her. I can't imagine how devastated her parents must be. They are so brave to share this with us.
The adolescent years have always been a difficult time for children, but it seems to be worse now. It almost seems that some of the children doing the bullying don't realize how hurtful they are. I think it would be great to get this out there and ask the parents to read it, maybe even read and discuss with their children. Then they could ask their children if they fit into either category…the child being demeaned and hurt, or the child doing the demeaning, perhaps not even realizing how hurtful their words are? Do they see others being mistreated this way? How do they react? What other things might they do instead?
I thought a discussion about how harmful these sort of actions are could go a long way. I don’t think the bullies intend for someone to actually commit suicide, they just want the rush of having power over others, but the consequences are still the same regardless. Perhaps parents just taking some time to discuss this issue with their children is a step in the right direction.”
Please do this with your kids!
Talking with your kids about this stuff is so important — build compassion into their hearts, try your best to make sure that YOUR kid is part of the solution, not part of the problem. Teach them that we are here on this earth for a reason, and we may not know specifically what it is right now, but for SURE being kind and helpful to our fellow man is a HUGE part of it, making a difference in the lives of those around us means everything! Loving those who are sometimes not easy to love. Being kind when it's not easy. Stepping up to care for those who look sad or alone.
Here's what I say all the time nowadays: Anyone can be kind to those who are kind to us. Anyone can be a “good person” when life is going well. But what if you're backed into a corner, NOW what will you do? What if no one will ever know, NOW who are you?
Wow, doesn't all of this just make your heart hurt? What do YOU think is the solution?
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photo credit and another
I’d love to see more effort to understand why children bully and to address the problem behind the behavior. Often there is trauma that needs to be addressed.
My 13 year old niece just lost one of her best friends last month to bullying-induced suicide. A few years ago another family member did leave the high school she was in to get away from it. I’m so glad she was comfortable enough to talk to her mom about it and get out of there!
It just seems like kids are so much more sensitive now. When I was a young girl, I was quite over weight, and was teased mercifully about being fat. But I never once thought about killing myself. I’m not saying that it is right for kids to tease or say horrible things to each other, but it just doesn’t seem like young people are capable of coping with any kind of adversity anymore.
*mercilessly
In my experience, schools prefer to either ignore the bullying or to blame the victim. My daughter was bullied at school and it wasn’t until the police interevened that the school even remotely condidered that there was a problem – after a threat by a child from another school to have her new ‘friends’ ‘throw (my daughter) under the bus’ and a mob of them were waiting at the bus stop! Even then, the schools were reluctant to take any action; and they were FURIOUS with me for seeking Police intervention. Common practice for the schools, I believe, because they will do anything at all not to be held accountable for injuries or death caused by bullying.
Kathryn — this and another tragic comment at the post (from JMR about her nephew who now has a seizure disorder after being beaten up at school — even though they asked the school for help numerous times!) makes me stand by my proposed solution even more. 🙁
When my nephew was in early elementary school, he was bullied for months, culminating in these young boys beating him up after school one day. He had his first seizure that night and has been dealing with epilepsy for over a decade now. His medications don’t work for more than a few months at a time and have horrible side effects. He’s spent months and months of his life in the hospital. He’ll never be able to drive a car or live by himself.
The school teachers and principal were unresponsive to early concerns by his parents. When he got beat up, they stonewalled completely, calling him a liar and saying he brought it on himself. The parents of the children who beat him up dismissed the concerns. One of those children, now college age, is still a bully. The others have developed normally.
I don’t know what the solution is, but I think removing your child from school is a good idea. I would have said to teach your child to stand up for himself or ignore the bullies or tell a teacher in the past. But after this, I say take them out of school.
It even happens in Christian schools. Unfortunately you’re tattling if you don’t handle it yourself according to some teachers. Then the school helps do a PSA against bullying on the local conservative radio station because one of the new people at the radio station has a connection with the school. Ours wasn’t as bad as some but if your kid doesn’t know how to handle stuff from day to day, more of it doesn’t help.
Absolutely. I went to catholic school. The education might be slightly better, but the social aspects are run just about the same, and the teacher to student ratios are relatively the same.
I liked a lot of it and felt that it was well worth the money. But it certainly wasn’t perfect. My husband and I saw this differently, too, which didn’t help.
I agree, there is, in general, not enough supervision at school. It’s part of the reason why I took my daughter out years ago.
My sweet niece, who has some neuro-developmental issues (which made her an easy target) was horribly bullied off and on throughout elementary and middle school. Her mom read an interesting book about bullying at the time that included a historical perspective of social dynamics that allowed for atrocities to occur on a much larger level during the 20th century–like in the Soviet Union. If I recall correctly, one of the concepts discussed in the book was that it takes 3 parties working in concert for bullying to be successful. If any one of the 3 breaks out of the required dynamics/behaviors, bullying cannot happen. The 3 parties are: 1. the bully 2. the victim 3. bystanders. The bystanders were an interesting one to consider because they far outnumber either the bully or the victim, but they must go along with what’s happening in order for it to happen. It’s a weird social dynamic–maybe it’s the same one that sometimes causes a whole crowd of people to do nothing while a violent crime takes place in front of them. Then other times you see a plane full of people rush a terrorist hijacker (9-11), or even one person breaking free of a “paralyzed” crowd to tackle a purse snatcher–and then later says he was just doing what “anyone would do”. It’s all kind of baffling how those dynamics occur and how it can end so differently, depending on the choices of the people involved, but it does seem like a sense of responsibility on the part of the bystander(s) that breaks away from bully dynamics is part of it.
My son was being bullied in the 5th grade at a Christian Private School. It was heartbreaking to pick him up everyday and he would get in the van crying. I would ask what was wrong and he said “nothing”. Hmmmm. I pulled him out and began homeschooling him – best decision ever. I had went to the principle, only to be told by him that he was met at the door each evening by his daughter and his wife, both crying about the bullying. I shook my head and wondered why on earth the bully was being allowed to get away with so much. Other parents approached me and shared that they too were picking their crying children up daily. This was a “BULLY” beyond belief. So, the school is not going to do anything, the teacher’s response was that my son needed to “toughen up”, and the parent of the bully could have cared less. My son has since graduated from a military college and has no lasting scars from this period of time. I cringe at what might have been had I not been able to home school. If you are a stay-at-home mom, please consider the home school option. Challenging yes – but worth every moment.
There is a helpful book about bullying, Queen Bees and Wannabees, that I found in the library as an adult. It opened my eyes to not only what had been happening in high school and jr high, but also the dynamics in my current relationships. Recommend every parent of girls reads it.
For boys, I think books highlighting virtues of courage, wisdom, and heroism can help them see more clearly who to spend time with and how to behave.
I think one aspect that adds complications to the social scene at schools these days is the online social scene. Instagram was specifically mentioned in the tragic story you highlighted. Why are parents/schools allowing kids as young as 12 (and younger) to post pictures of themselves and/or their classmates? Little possible good and very grave harm can come of it. As a parent, I want to see much more powerful and flexible internet filters come on the market, so we can block the social media and porn easily while still allowing kids access to the Internet on the sites that are beneficial.
I agree with you, get them away from those who are bullying them. I homeschool my children and they have thanked me for keeping them away from the drama and the bullying. I was bullied in middle school and I wanted to do everything in my power to keep that from happening to my children. It was not the driving force for us to homeschool , but was an added benefit.