There are some controversial opinions on parenting in this article, “Have American Parents Got it All Backwards”, and I'm curious if any of you agree with them? I'll share a few quotes and my thoughts, but you can read the whole thing here, as I've only shared a few excerpts. I can't wait to hear what you think in the comments…
1. Any one else get tired of their kids saying they're “STARVING!” a half-hour before supper?
Children can go hungry from time-to-time.
In Korea, eating is taught to children as a life skill and as in most cultures, children are taught it is important to wait out their hunger until it is time for the whole family to sit down together and eat. Koreans do not believe it's healthy to graze or eat alone, and they don't tend to excuse bad behavior (like I do) by blaming it on low blood sugar. Instead, children are taught that food is best enjoyed as a shared experience. All children eat the same things that adults do, just like they do in most countries in the world with robust food cultures. (Ever wonder why ethnic restaurants don't have kids' menus?). The result? Korean children are incredible eaters. They sit down to tables filled with vegetables of all sorts, broiled fish, meats, spicy pickled cabbage and healthy grains and soups at every meal.
Why it's better: In stark contrast to our growing child overweight/obesity levels, South Koreans enjoy the lowest obesity rates in the developed world. A closely similar-by-body index country in the world is Japan, where parents have a similar approach to food.
Kent's always been better than I am about making them wait, and now I see that it does make more sense! What do you do when your kids are “STARVING!” right before supper? Do you give in and offer a snack or make them wait?
2. I know it's not for everyone, but here is another reason that I'm thankful we were led toward homeschooling our kids…
Children should spend less time in school.
Children in Finland go outside to play frequently all day long. “How can you teach when the children are going outside every 45 minutes?” a recent American Fulbright grant recipient in Finland, who was astonished by how little time the Finns were spending in school, inquired curiously of a teacher at one of the schools she visited. The teacher in turn was astonished by the question. “I could not teach unless the children went outside every 45 minutes!”
Why it's better: American school children score in the middle of the heap on international measures of achievement, especially in science and mathematics. Finnish children, with their truncated time in school, frequently rank among the best in the world.
Read more here about our homeschooling decision and our journey so far — this fall will be our third year!
3. This was one of the best things we did with our babies…
Thou shalt spoil thy baby.
In Japan, where co-sleeping with babies and kids is common, people are incredulous that there are countries where parents routinely put their newborns to sleep in a separate room. The Japanese respond to their babies immediately and hold them constantly.
While we think of this as spoiling, the Japanese think that when babies get their needs met and are loved unconditionally as infants, they more easily become independent and self-assured as they grow.
Why it's better: Meret Keller, a professor at UC Irvine, agrees that there is an intriguing connection between co sleeping and independent behavior. “Many people throw the word “independence” around without thinking conceptually about what it actually means,” she explained.
We're anxious for our babies to become independent and hurry them along, starting with independent sleep, but Keller's research has found that co-sleeping children later became more independent and self-reliant than solitary sleepers, dressing themselves or working out problems with their playmates on their own.
Read here about how rested I was even with a newborn: My best tip for getting sleep with a newborn.
4. I'm just not sure about this one, though…
We need to let 3-year-olds climb trees and 5-year-olds use knives.
Imagine my surprise when I came across a kindergartener in the German forest whittling away on a stick with a penknife. His teacher, Wolfgang, lightheartedly dismissed my concern: “No one's ever lost a finger!”
Our eight-year-old asked for a jackknife not long ago, and Kent and I both said, “Not 'til you're older.” I suppose a lot of this depends on the kid, but 5-year-olds?! What do you think?
***Don't miss my index of posts full of parenting tips: Parenting Tips from an Imperfect Parent, including my thoughts on discipline, vaccines, what to feed your baby, help for overweight kids, homeschooling info and more. 🙂
More goodies:
- I love this book: Parenting isn't for Cowards
- Have you tried this simple treat? Creamy Dreamy Dessert in a Cloud
Samia says
Regarding Item #1. Yes, sometimes bad behavior IS caused by low blood sugar. You try functioning pleasantly when your blood sugar is low, never mind a small child who has no sense or self-control.
Further, I don’t really take my childrearing or any other advice from a totally different culture as a matter of course – though on rare occasion I might, if it suits my thinking in the first place. The reality is that up until a few generations ago we too here in the western world waited until mealtime to eat, all together, at the table. Also, Korea is mighty Americanized, and that includes junk or fast food joints everywhere. McDonalds! Fried chicken! Somebody’s going to those places away from mealtimes, don’t you think?
Also, the causes of obesity in our young’uns here is more complicated than what you are implying. If the family all eats the same food around the same table at the same time of day, that is no guarantee of slenderness. Fat or skinny – that can get complicated. Me, I think children getting poked 50 times with chemical-laden vaccines before they even start school leaves them so toxic that they can’t process their food properly and as a result their appetites are grossly distorted. Not to mention their metabolism, even if they are getting a good diet somehow.
Thank you.
KitchenKop says
Samia, I agree!!!
Kelly
Leah Amber Moon says
America is an authoritarian fearmongering, self obsorbed lie
Debra Kurvers says
I agree with everything I had home births breastfed my children homeschool them when they’re old enough they used kids knives like a small little butter knife for children they always slept with me pick them up as soon as they cried met their needs you know I think I don’t agree with is the climbing of the trees even though I did when I was younger
Trixie Grohman Ferguson says
I totally agree with all of it. On the “starving” issue, I found that when my daughter was young and was “starving” just before dinner, if I offered her a small salad, or some celery sticks it turned out that she wasn’t really THAT hungry. She was “starving” for some junk food so that she could tell me how full she was when it was time to eat her peas. LOL.
Serene-Marie Washburn says
1 they need to know the world doesn’t revolve around them
2 less time in the classroom is better. Learning needs to be fun
3 independent sleeping is a new concept not best practice and selfish
4 danger makes them
Smarter
Rose Lucht says
I really loved this article! I believe too many American children use food as a control ( unfortunately several children I know well, use this as a power control
over their parents) and interestingly enough most meals were eaten without both parents at the table and or the one parent there was constantly on their phone!)
I believe the Koreans have it correct!!.
I tend to believe tiny babies should sleep with their parents but right next to them in a bassinet, the reason being most parents are told to vaccinate their children and the American Pediatric Association has it all backward. They say baby sleeps alone because of high incidence of SIDS when co sleeping- I believe it’s the vaccines killing the babies- not the co sleeping!!
I warn all of my mother /baby patients NOT to use the big fluffy blankets- (only use cotton) as it can come close to baby’s mouth trapping the carbon dioxide baby breathes out and if they breath high concentrations of that in, their brains ‘tell’ them cease breathing… In theory – in a stable married parents let love their kids family and both parents agree absolutely co sleeping is good
Love your articles s Kelly!!!
Victoria Eddings Yates says
Loved this article.
I home school, co-sleep, make my kids eat what I cook, and have children under 10 who have pocket knives and can shoot a rifle.
I’ve always thought the direction parenting is going today is nowhere I’m interested in, so I run the opposite direction and I’m SO happy with the “results” so far 🙂
Kimber Kay Morin says
I thought my husband was going to go apoplectic when I let my girls cut fruit and vegetables with knives. I also homeschool and send my kids outside. I think these things are so important.
Schlechten Wolf says
Thanks for more food for thought, Kelly! I noticed that I rarely see kids playing outside, or climbing trees either. We homeschool too and find that the best learning comes from PLAY! We stick with a little math, and reading as a focus for schoolwork and until 8th grade do not add in formal high school level schoolwork. Science and social studies are hands on OUTSIDE! I even learn best when I am doing it not reading about it. I felt led to parent from my inutition and that meant sacrificing one income(mine) to stay at home, it turns out that we had more(material) things and money because I made the most out of what we had. I felt led to nurse, cosleep, homeschool and eat more traditionally, raise my children to respect others and work hard. Yes, my kids did housework at 3-4 yrs of age. I heard the other day that our nation is producing entitled people who despise work because their parents sacrificed time with their children for stuff. So they give the kids everything but time and these kids grow up to hate work. I thought that was an interesting perspective.
Jennifer Nelson DeMarcos says
I loved co sleeping with my first but my younger daughter wasn’t into it and couldn’t nurse lying down. She’s always been a huge eater so was motivated to use sharp knives to cut up cheese, fruit and veg for herself. I’m sure she was 5 when she started with sharp knives. I think kids should eat when they’re hungry. Sitting down to meals is great but arbitrary. Listening to their bodies and seeking food when they’re hungry is what many out of touch adults need to learn. Nutritious food is available at all times in my house and my kids are lean. I definitely would love less school. And good luck keeping my older daughter out of trees. I called her a monkey when she was a baby and it turned out to be true!
Erica Arnold says
Now i let my kids use pocket knives when we camp so they can widdle. I would be interested in more recess at school and my kids eat what i cook or they go hungry. They have to learn and start sometime.
Zedda Troyer says
I would be less concerned about my 5 year old hurting himself with the knife than accidentally hurting his sister. They’re both very careful, but put 2 enthusiastic kids together & it gets interesting. (No, they do not get to use sharp knives! They do love to help chop veggies with table knives) All the rest, I agree.
Samantha Salyer Jacokes says
I like it! Especially less school!
Lorena Sandoval says
Interesting read. One thing I could never do is put my baby away in another room. We coslept and now that she is 4 and sleeps in her room I long for those nights when the 3 of us slept in the same bed. Tear…I will never get those nights back.. 🙁 but glad we did that. We also ran to pick her up as soon as she cried. She is very independent now and has a healthy self-esteem.
Janice Ford says
I absolutely agree with all of it! (I will let my kids have done carrot sticks, sliced bell peppers, mushrooms, etc if they say they’re starved and dinner is going to be a bit still )
Ca says
I have one child with blood sugar issues and one child who does not have those issues. The one who struggles has extreme meltdowns or migraine headaches when his blood sugar dips to low. The other one has no problem waiting for regular meals. We’re working with a naturopath on those issues, but in the meantime, I have to be really sure that he eats at very regular intervals. I’m all for the discipline of waiting for meals, but it is important to keep each individual child’s name in consideration
Samia says
@ca: Nice to hear your good common sense here as regards blood sugar issues.
Kristi says
Hmmmm, I wonder what country I’m reall from then. I do all these things!
Lynne says
I agree with letting children go hungry for a while if dinner is close. I also refused to be a short order cook. I served the children what everyone else was eating. As a result my kids are healthier and better eaters than many of their peers. We did believe in less time in school too. I home schooled and we didn’t spend near the time at lessons as public schoolers. I was a stickler for making them sleep in their own bed though. We got in lots of hugs during the day but bedtime meant time for me and dad to restore our relationship with each other. I was not overly protective about knives and trees but movies and tv programs were monitored carefully. That is one area I often said”Not till you are older.”
jmr says
I have no children, but this sounds about like how I was raised during the ’70s and 80s, except for the co-sleeping part. I’m divided on that – I think it depends on the individual parents and babies as to whether it works well or not. I did get to have a snack after school (usually fruit), but only one snack at 3pm, not snacking whenever I was hungry. And we all ate dinner, the same dinner, whether we liked it or not.
I’m appalled at how overprotective many parents are now, and at my corporation, for the past few years we’ve been having real difficulty with the youngest employees. They are unable to exhibit even the tiniest bit of patience, independence, self-control, personal responsibility etc. It’s a very different situation than in the past when new employees were just a little flighty and soon settled in. This youngest group seems to have a real lack in the development of their personalities and character. I tend to blame it on the super overprotective catering-too-much-to-every-childhood-whine parenting that is the norm now, but maybe I’m being too judgmental.
Annette says
I try to make my kids wait until dinner but that is a hard fought battle. Our kids go to a very good public school. It’s a large school with approx. 5 teachers per grade but I love it because my kids are exposed to diversity and have learned a lot about acceptance and tolerance. I am very involved at the school. As for co sleeping I don’t mind it but my husband says we need a bigger bed.
Heather says
I hear those education stats cited all the time, but people need to realize that in the US, we educate EVERYBODY. Other countries begin heavily tracking their kids starting at about age 12. Only those with the most aptitude go on to a college prep curriculum. Those who don’t have the academic ability are channeled into vocational programs and apprenticeships. Whenyou see the US compared to other countries, you are seeing an undifferentiated population of learners compared to a small portion of the brightest and best. The fact that we still come out near the middle isn’t that bad when you consider that we are including children with disabilities, children of poverty, and kids who aren’t academically gifted for whatever reason. As far as recesses go, I’m not sure we can even compare. Schools in other countries are often structured so completely differently than American schools that focusing on one element like recess just isn’t helpful. For instance, children in France have an hour for lunch and are served a 3 course meal that in the US would be considered gourmet. No doubt the French wonder how our kids can learn when they are served processed junk and then given 20 minutes to eat it. I wonder that, too.
Susan says
I actually agree with the idea that children should be taught to use knives (and REAL tools) at a young age. Notice, however, that I said they should be “taught” to use knives! They shouldn’t be just given knives, or anything else potentially dangerous, and left to figure them out. Of course, exactly how young the child is when taught to use knives should depend on his/her maturity level. That’s the parents’ call! My son received his first pocketknife at 6 years old and also his first real toolbox with real tools. Every year since, we’ve given him real tools as gifts, including power tools, and his father taught him how to use them properly and safely. He also knew that improper usage of any tool would get it taken away from him. By the time his was 12, he was proficient with the use of a chainsaw and could repair a roof, both safely. My daughter could cook a full meal, without supervision, in the kitchen by the time she was 10, including using all knives and the oven/stove. She also was given real tools (both workshop and kitchen) since she was little. Now they both have complete sets of tools that they are comfortable using to take with them when they go into marriage one day.
KitchenKop says
That makes a lot of sense, but I still don’t think our almost 9 year old is ready, he’s still so absentminded on things! I love your ideas though, especially on how to get them using tools and knowing HOW at young ages, then sending them off with them as they grow up and out of the house!
Kel
Heather says
Exactly! Rather than keep the kids in a padded room so they can’t hurt themselves, teach them how to use those things safely! Then, your kids acquire more skills, AND they acquire real self-esteem, which comes from accomplishment! Anything potentially dangerous has safety rules that go with it, whether it be riding a bike on the road, shooting, or using a saw and hammer. We are building a homestead, from tge bare ground up, and both of our boys (5.5 and almost 3) show strong interest in learning how to do all the building things. They each have their own toolbag, with real tools (Harbor Freight sells a really nice “shorty” hammer that is sized nicely for a kid to use, while still being able to do real work), and we teach them as much about whatever we are doing as they want to know, and have them help to the best of their ability. For example, hubs had to change a tire on my van a couple months ago. Well, a big van has 8 lug nuts–lots of practice for 2 little boys in using a wrench and turning nuts. And the 5.5 year-old figured out how to work the floor jack a couple years ago, so he got to help with jacking the van up (under close supervision, of course). If we, as parents, don’t teach our kids how to do “real” stuff, then we have no one but ourselves to blame if all they grow up knowing how to do is play video games!
Liz F. says
If my child is “starving” and dinner is within the hour, I do try to make her wait. If she is persistent and I really believe she’s uncomfortable, I offer veggies. Carrots, celery, red peppers, etc. with “Real” salt. I use the opportunity to get an extra serving of veggies into her. Now, she’d like bread, but she gets veggies. I don’t think that’s spoiling her.
KitchenKop says
Sounds like a good compromise to me, Liz! 🙂
Kel
Heather says
I think my brother and I were about 7 or 8 when we got our first pocket knives. We were maybe a year older when we first learned how to use a bench-type power jigsaw. My 7 year-old hasn’t expressed interest in a pocketknife, yet, but we did teach her and our 5.5 year-old how to shoot a .22 a few weeks ago. My daughter thought it was too loud. My 5.5 year-old son thought target shooting was lots of fun. And, yes, we did review gun safety, which we make them practice even with toy guns. It is often instructive to remember back to when you were allowed to do things. Kids haven’t changed, only how we parent has, and not entirely in good ways.
KitchenKop says
I think reviewing gun safety is so smart. Kent grew up hunting but doesn’t anymore, so our kids haven’t been exposed to any of that, but we should probably make a point of it!
Kel
Heather says
We live in rural Montana. Everyone owns firearms. And my older kids are old enough now (7 and 5.5) to visit friends’ houses without us. So we teach gun safety, as in the basic safety rules for using a firearm. I even had the kids write those as copywork a few months ago, and the same rules apply to toy guns, just to enforce good habits. But we also teach gun safety as in “what do you do if you find a gun laying around where you can reach it?”, making sure they know not to touch a real gun except when shooting with Mom and/or Dad. The second sort is safety training EVERY kids needs, IMO, just like stranger danger. Even as a parent, you can’t always control their environment. At least not past babyhood. Nor is it healthy to try.
KitchenKop says
Heather,
Any chance you’d share (either here or via email) what that copy work was? I’d love to teach them the same stuff!
Thx,
Kel
Heather says
As printing practice over the winter, I was giving the kids a short quote each day. I would write it at the top of a sheet of notebook paper, and have them copy it 5 times. We had quotes on all manner of different subjects, just what I felt like giving them. Sometimes, they led to good discussions! One week, we did the 4 rules of gun safety, one each day. I think I got the phrasing from this site: https://armeddefense.org/safetyrules Then, for Friday, I added Mel Gibson’s advice to Heath Ledger in The Patriot, “Aim small, miss small”. For the what to do if you find an unattended gun sort of gun safety, we use the steps from NRA’s Eddie Eagle program: “STOP. Don’t touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.” My kids are younger than yours, though, and Eddie Eagle is more meant for little kids.
(The notion of having them write SOMETHING each day worked well. By the end of the school year, both kids had very acceptable printing for their ages, as well as a good feel for written sentence structure and punctuation. When they got too bored with quotations, I changed things up and had them write stories, sometimes with me giving the subject, sometimes totally their own choice. Even my 5.5 year-old, who has an October birthday, so wouldn’t have been in school last year, if we did public school, can write a coherent 5 or 6 sentence paragraph.) The only other structured work we did was Life of Fred for math.