These parenting tips aren't exactly health or nutrition related, but they are mental health related! They help preserve your sanity and just as important, they help you to enjoy your kids more.
Before we go further, let's be clear:
Kent and I don't have this parenting thing down by any means. For one thing, we're both yellers at times, even though we know it's not exactly productive. As a matter of fact I just yelled at our almost 10 year old daughter 30 seconds ago because she wants her Nintendo DS back (I made it disappear yesterday when she wasn't cleaning her room like I asked and instead was playing her video game) and she was throwing a little fit in front of me. I told her, loudly, “I'm trying to get some work done!” and sent her to Kent so he could deal with her fit. (He loves it when I do that, as you can imagine.)
So even though perfection is no where in sight, when you have four kids (and have a home day care for over 20 years) you do learn a few things here and there. Those of you with kids, I'm sure you've also learned a few tricks. I hope you'll share your favorite tips for preserving your mental health as you go down this parenting road. (I'm especially interested in how those of you with really big families stay sane.)
Both of the tips I'll share came out of a conversation between a friend and I last week regarding her 4 year old daughter…
I'm pretty sure that many of you will disagree with my approach, but here goes…
Do I Have to Play with My Kids?
My short answer is this: play something with them, but only play what you personally enjoy.
Here’s the long answer…
She said her daughter begs her to get in the bath with her so they can play Barbies.
I told her, “Wow, there’s no way I’d ever do that, what torture!”
She said in complete shock, “Really?!”
“No way. At bath time my kids get measuring cups, turkey basters and maybe a sibling if there’s one available, but not me. If I’m going to take a bath, it’ll be alone or with a good book. And as far as playing Barbies, that’s what they have friends for. I’d rather be shot in the foot than sit and play Barbies. The rare times I’ve done it to be ‘nice’, they always said I wasn’t ‘playing right’ anyway.”
I remember a similar conversation a few years ago with another friend. Her boys always had her down on the floor playing GI Joe. Of course she never ‘played right’ either. I couldn’t believe there were parents out there who could do this without going insane.
One day it came up and when I told her I didn’t do that, she couldn’t believe that this wasn’t some sort of ‘required’ parental duty, even though she hated it.
I told them both: “I love reading books with the kids, playing outside, playing games (especially this one or this one!), watching movies, or taking them to various fun places now and then, so those are the types of things we do together. But pretend play on the floor? No way. I’m happy to invite their friends over for that, since I know how important pretend play is to their growing brains, but I’m not doing it.”
Both of them had this sound of freedom in their voice when they said, “Wow! I always thought I had to do that with them, but I really can’t stand it!”
So for all you parents out there who need permission not to play that way with your kids, here it is. Now if you do enjoy pretend playing with your kids, great. Maybe it’s board games that make your skin crawl. Whatever it is that you enjoy with your kids, do that. Do something fun with them as often as possible, but don’t suffer through the stuff you hate. They'll catch on to how you really feel about it anyway.
Bedtime Issues
It’s kind of ironic that I was also giving friends bedtime advice recently, when we don’t exactly have blissful bedtimes around here either. It’s a constant work in progress, wouldn’t you all agree? But apparently my advice helped them get their evenings back, so I’m glad I could help…
She told me that she’s been lying down with her 4 year old daughter every night in order to get her to settle down and go to sleep. I said, “Doesn’t that drive you crazy, and make you resentful toward her when you know you have stuff you could be doing?!” I told her about when our now 12 year old was a toddler and we went through nighttime torture for months with him. There was nothing that worked to help him fall asleep. (Now I know it was because of what we were feeding him and likely from ALL the vaccines too!)
When he finally got through that horrendous stage and we’d have all the kids sleeping by 9:00 with a quiet house, Kent and I would look at each other and say, “Wow, so this is what it’s like to have peace in the evenings!”
Here’s What I Suggested
(Note that some parents like lying down with their kids before bed for some snuggles and good chats, I love that too sometimes, so I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about being stuck in there forEVER every single night…)
Before bedtime, sit her down for a little chat. She’s plenty old enough to understand what you’ll be saying to her. They’re so much smarter than we give them credit for. Your conversation can go something like this, and it all has to be in a calm, matter-of-fact voice, like it’s no big deal. Use an upbeat, but clearly non-negotiable tone…
“You’re 4, so you’re going to start going to bed like a big girl from now on. Mommy isn’t going to lie down with you at bedtime anymore because I’m going to be out here doing my work. Before bedtime we’ll get a snack and a drink of water and go potty, so once you’re in bed you won’t need to get up for anything.
We’ll read a story together and then I’ll tuck you in. You can look at books in your bed if you’d like, but you may not get out of your bed. If you’re quiet, we’ll leave the door open, but if you fuss, Mommy will shut the door because I’ll be working.
Now here’s the deal… (use your excited voice here) If you’re a good girl and stay in your bed, then the next day we’ll get to (insert reward here — go to the park, get ice cream, make a craft, whatever) together! BUT (use a matter-of-fact, what-a-bummer voice here), if you decide not to stay in your bed or Mommy ends up having to lie down with you again, that will be a bummer, and we won’t get to (whatever your reward was), and you know what else? Not only will we NOT get to (reward), you also will (insert consequence here, like not get to watch TV the next day or play video games or have a friend over or whatever they love that you can take away).
(Insert excited voice here again…) I know you’ll make a good choice and make Mommy & Daddy so proud! Because you will love (reward), won’t you?!”
Warning: They will Test You
So that’s basically it, but here are the extra warnings I gave…
1. Plan on them testing you, maybe every night for a month, maybe only one or two nights, but they’ll test you, because that’s what kids do. If you want this to work, you MUST follow through on your rewards and consequences. And THAT will be the hard work for you as a parent. I don’t know about you, but I’m lazy. I don’t LIKE following through with punishment because I get sick of the whining and the fits, but if you don’t follow through, just plan on your kids having you wrapped around their finger forever.
2. When they test you, keep that matter-of-fact voice going and say things like, “Oh bummer, it’s too bad that you made that choice. Oh well, now we can’t (go get ice cream) tomorrow and you (won’t get to watch TV, not even one show), oh well, maybe tomorrow at bedtime you’ll make a better choice.” All day long when they whine to you, repeat that same phrase over and over like a broken record. It will drive them crazy and you’ll enjoy this, trust me!
3. Remember, if you don’t keep a nice calm voice and instead get all emotional or yell, then it makes them feel like you aren’t in control and can’t handle the situation; but if you keep your cool and let them see how their choices can change things one way or the other, for better or for worse, they will come around. (I need to remind myself often of that part about not yelling!)
4. What happens around here is that we’ll get things under control and slowly we get lazy. Then we’ll realize they’re “playing us” again, so we reign them back in, and become all hard-core on the discipline for a while until they see that they’re not in charge, and then we can level off ’til the whole cycle starts over. If we didn’t get lazy that wouldn’t happen over and over, but we just do.
5. Remember, kids crave the security that discipline gives them. They act like they want to be in charge because testing is what they naturally do, but what they really need is the security of knowing that their parents are in control. Disciplining our kids and teaching them healthy boundaries in life is important for so many reasons. It’s what is necessary for healthy brain connections to form so they can grow up to be respectful and productive human beings. It also builds the groundwork for learning to respect authority in the future (having a boss, etc.), and lastly, if we can help our kids learn about self-discipline early on, imagine the implications for their future! Or conversely, look at the problems in our world, how many of them stem from a lack of self-discipline? Instead of letting their every desire control them (eating crap vs. eating well, sitting on the couch vs. going for a walk, staying in bed vs. going to work, closing their mouth vs. spouting venom at their spouse, wow, we could go on and on…), if they can learn self-control, it will preserve their health, jobs, relationships, and more. Even as adults, for myself anyway, I still need to get better and learn more about self-discipline!
Where I Learned These Tips
I’d have to say that there were 4 main ways that Kent and I developed our parenting arsenal:
1. From our own families – the way our parents raised us and how we watched our siblings raise their kids, these obviously had an impact.
2. My girlfriends have given me great tips through the years as they’ve learned and read things and used trial and error — we need each other!
3. For years I listened to and read as many Dr. James Dobson resources
4. Good ol’ experience. And remember, imperfection only means you’re human, not that you stink as a parent, although I do feel that way often!
Parenting is much more difficult than I expected. More wonderful and rewarding, too. But wow, kids really do know how to push your buttons if you let them.
What Are Your Favorite Parenting Tips and Where Did You Learn Them?
Please share your thoughts in the comments!
A couple resources mentioned today:
- As I said, for years I listened to and read all the Dr. James Dobson resources
that I could get my hands on and learned a lot that way.
- Recently I bought this Kevin Leman book, Have a New Kid by Friday
but haven't even picked it up yet. Kent read the whole thing and said it basically reinforces what we already know: you can't be lazy, you have to follow through, etc.
but haven't even picked it up yet. Kent read the whole thing and said it basically reinforces what we already know: you can't be lazy, you have to follow through, etc.
What are your favorite parenting tips and how did you learn them?
Karin says
My favorite resources would have to be the Bible, Don’t Make Me Count To THree (Ginger Plowman) and Shepherding a CHild’s Heart (Tedd Tripp), for the younger years. Older years, Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp is right on target. There is a new book by one of my favorite authors, Elyse Fitzpatrick, Give them Grace, and I can’t wait to read that!
Commenter via Facebook says
Yeah, I think some comment without reading the post.
Commenter via Facebook says
scarred*
Amy Floyd says
I don’t play with my kids either, but my husband does.
I also wanted to say that teaching your kids how to think is very important. I find that many times when I am talking to my kids about an issue, I’ll not answer all the questions for them, but ask them questions instead, helping them to develop thinking skills. My goal is for them to be able to leave our home as adults and be able to stand tall in the world around them, and not to be so gullible to believe everything they read/hear. Many kids today are not taught to think, and it is becoming more and more obvious.
Also, give kids as much responsibility as they can handle, and don’t underestimate them! True self-worth comes from, among other things, learning how to do things well and becoming a real contributor to a family.
And don’t do everything for your kids or give them everything they want, even if you really want to or if you have the means. I’ve found that if they have to work hard for something, they value it all the more. All my kids all responsible for buying their own gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I find it heartwarming always when my kids are clamoring for who can GIVE their carefully-chosen gifts first rather than getting a gift first.
Amy (mom to 6)
Commenter via Facebook says
Gee some of you people act as if Kelly refuses to play anything with her kids, get over it! I’m sure they won’t be scared for life.
Commenter via Facebook says
We took care of the sleep issue when he was nine months old…and have reinforced the night-time routine at every stage/phase over the years. We will go in if one of them has a nightmare during the night…but only long enough to comfort them (not necessarily until they fall back to sleep). Luckily, we have two little ones that are very close in age (2.5 and 4 – not so nice for my body, but other advantages), so they can pretend play together…and they do that very well.
caroline says
I love barbies in the bath, you have some good advice!.
Commenter via Facebook says
I refuse to play trains. It’s just torture. But I do stay with 5yo son until he falls asleep. That’s what works for us.
Commenter via Facebook says
I will pretend play for a few minutes, just to make them happy. Then, it’s ok to let them know that mommy has work to do. But, we don’t want to push our kids away the moment they come to us to play. That would make them feel like we don’t care. More likely to act out if we don’t at least give them a few minutes in what THEY are interested in.
Kim says
It took me a while to not feel guilty every time I didn’t play Polly’s or Barbies or Pony’s with my girls. But I HATED every second of it. I home school, play games with them, read to them for hours on end, have cuddle marathons, go on nature hikes, visit museums, have conversations, dance with them in the living room and cook with them. I spend plenty of time with my kids and have meaningful interactions with them that will create a lifetime of enjoyable memories. Are they going to complain to a shrink in twenty years how I never played Barbies with them…I doubt it. My kids need to know that I have a life that doesn’t revolve around them and they can be partially responsible for creating their own enjoyable experiences…they don’t need to rely on me to make life fun for them. They never complain about being bored, they have vivid imaginations and my daughters are each others best friends. It also gives me the opportunity and time to pursue things I’m interested in. Loved the article. 🙂
Commenter via Facebook says
I totally agree with you, Kelly. Mine were close in age so they played make-believe with each other. I was big on reading to them, playing table games, bike riding, and etc.
Commenter via Facebook says
My kids do their pretend playing with each other or their little friends. I’m no good at it, and they can tell I’m not enjoying it, which really defeats the purpose. So we do other things together, like reading books, cooking, or going on outings, and they’re fine with that. Every family is different, and different things work for them. But if it’s not working, then change it! There aren’t any hard and fast rules. If you love pretending with your kids, that’s awesome, and keep it up. If not, then do something else. They will be happy for your time and attention no matter what you’re doing.
Commenter via Facebook says
My hubby is MUCH better at playing with my girls than I am. I would rather read them books, and go for walks with them than play. Also, my 4 year recently went from being a great sleeper to being just awful. We finally moved both girls into the same bedroom and that helped but she was still getting up every night and I would have to tuck her back in – after numerous talks it wasn’t getting better. The other night I noticed how cold her room seemed and she doesn’t have a heavy comforter on her bed. I threw on 2 extra blankets and never heard a peep from in! In the past 4 nights she only woke me up once and she was crying but she wouldn’t talk to me,. I think she was sleeping walking.
Commenter via Facebook says
I wasn’t good at pretending Barbies when I was a kid (of course, I wasn’t allowed to have them until I was 8 or 9) – so its unlikely I will be doing that with mine. I do look forward to playing dress up, having tea parties, building cities and pretending to be Godzilla – those sorts of things are so much less likely to drive me nuts than whether or not my doll is saying the right thing.
Commenter via Facebook says
I’m not a fan of pretend-play either, but I find that the more I run around, roughhouse and play with my 3 year old at her level, the fewer discipline problems I have at ALL. A good hour or two of this a day is all I can stand, and fortunately it’s really all I need to put in to become a superhero to my daughter. Yesterday, I read an article on child development that basically said that up until age 6 or 7, kids really NEED us to play directly with them, especially at physical play like tag, hide and seek, dolls, etc. It gives them a strong sense of self worth (like they’re worth playing WITH and not just watching them play) and belonging, and builds a strong foundational parent-child bond that will be invaluable later. Consequently, I am sucking it up, and it is frankly making all the difference for both of us in just two days. I strongly recommend Playful Parenting by Leonard Cohen or anything by Pam Leo. I also am a HUGE fan of Love and Logic parenting, which is invaluable if you have a very strong-willed, intense child like I do.
Commenter via Facebook says
I’ve said it before and I’m happy to say it again. This seems like great advice for people that are too busy to parent. However, it REALLY came across as very selfish when I realized it was a 4 year old girl being talked about. I have 2 children and one on the way and, while there are rules to be followed and discipline and consequences for broken rules, and while I might indeed dislike playing barbies in the bath with my daughter every night, this time passes so quickly. She’s going to come to the point where she doesn’t want to play with barbies at all, much less with me. My son will come to the point where he would rather mop the floor than sleep in my bed. It all comes to an end eventually. I can put off my wants for a while to tend to them. 4 years old is really SO young in the span of things and it’s a shame that someone would put things ahead of there children that, at the end of the day REALLY probably aren’t as important as they seem.
Trina says
I know you said you are a yeller & I’m not criticizing but I wanted to share. I grew up with a mother who yelled constantly & as a result we tuned her out & gradually grew more & more resentful & rebellious. My dad, in his calm quietness, could get way better results because he expected us to listen before he was upset. I promised myself before I had kids I would not yell (of course I am not always successful) and my kids know I mean what I say because I say it once & I expect them to obey. If we train them to listen to us only when we are yelling, that is the only way they will listen. Just my two cents. And the James Dobson book you mentioned is excellent.
Stanley Fishman says
Kelly, your children are so blessed to have you and your husband.
Commenter via Facebook says
I really can’t stand playing with my kids. That’s why I gave them siblings 🙂
Sandrine Hahn says
I wholeheartedly agree with the recommendation to be authentic with our children, and to engage in play that resonates. I don’t think it ultimately serves us or our children – or whomever we are in relationship with when we act out of a sense of obligation because we think we should. When there isn’t a true willingness within us, I think resentment arises and we can’t sustain it. So — I love your recommendation that we play with our children in a way that is truly joyous for us.
Yet, I wholeheartedly disagree with the good/bad paradigm you present. Good girl/bad girl.
With all do respect to you, Kelly, whom I adore … I cringed when I read the words you recommended, “If you are a good girl” …
Instead of asking a child to be “a good girl or a good boy”, which I hear all the time … and which I would not consider to be a doable request, how about eliminating the good/bad polarity all together.
I encourage you to consciously eliminate that from your language. From my perspective, a child is neither good or bad. Rather, they are engaged in behavior that you like or don’t like at any given moment. It is your interpretation of their behavior that you view as “good” or “bad” … that you enjoy or don’t enjoy. So – I recommend, “I don’t like it when you throw your clothes on the floor.” An unarguable statement … a reflection of you rather than a reflection of them. You can then make a request based on your need.
Rather than, “Be a good girl and clean up your mess”.
Observation: “I see 20 pieces of clothing on the floor.”
Feeling: “I feel anxious and frustrated when I see all those clothes.”
Need: “It would meet my needs for support, order and collaboration if the moment you take your clothes off, you put them in the hamper if they are dirty, or back in the drawer/hanger if they are clean”.
Request: “Would you contribute to our family life in this way”?
I am passionate supporter of Non-Violent Communication – NVC:
I learned about NVC from Lynda Smith Cowan, Dr. Thomas Cowan’s wife. Dr. Cowan is a founding board member of the Weston A. Price Foundation. He talks about NVC in this book, The Fourfold Path to Healing, and in his FourFold Path to Healing conferences. I have been an avid student of NVC since 2004, when I hosted an introduction and subsequent class that Lynda taught to our Weston A. Price Foundation San Francisco Chapter members.
How many of you are familiar?!
While I am not a parent, I have served as a live-in nanny, a live-out nanny for a number of years caring for children from infancy to adolescence, worked as a Marriage Family Therapy and Art Therapy intern on the pediatric ward of San Francisco General Hospital, served in the same capacity at Sutro Elementary School, worked as a teacher both in the classroom and in private practice, and as an educational therapist for a decade — working with children labeled as learning disabled. I have definitely faced my fair share of “parenting” moments in all those roles for over 20 years. I know from experience that there is an alternative to the punishment “consequences”/rewards model and encourage parents to explore Non-Violent Communication.
Cecilia says
Sandrine,
If you are not responsible All The Way and for the ultimate outcome (i.e. you are not a parent), then I have no respect for your opinion because unless you have that ultimate responsibility, you really Do Not Know what you are talking about.
Sandrine Hahn says
There is a formidable community of parents who are drawn to non-violent communication and are living it … so I feel sad reading that you would dismiss this approach because I am not a parent. https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/gentle_guidance.html
https://www.facebook.com/NonviolentParenting
https://www.echoparenting.org/ – this was formally called the former Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting
Perhaps these articles will be of value: https://www.naturalchild.org/
Sheila says
Definitely you can have input in this conversation even though you are not a parent! How insulting of someone to say you can’t. And, as you point out, many “real” parents agree with you.
I was a nanny and teacher before, and always got a lot of guff from the parents because I didn’t have kids and “didn’t really know what I was talking about.” Now I have kids, and guess what? I still believe most of the same stuff, though I’ve gotten less hardline and more gentle because I’ve relaxed a lot.
Commenter via Facebook says
I agree with Kelly. I’ll play board games, read to them, do crafts, cook, and even wrestle. But I don’t think like a child so playing Barbies, etc are not my thing. The kids already get so much of my attention because I homeschool them. It’s good for them to do things without me, and helps develop a closer bond between the siblings.
Commenter via Facebook says
My husband was great at pretend play and did, I hated it, so I left it to him. I did other things with them. Has Dobson revised his book to take out the part of switching kids legs when they wouldn’t go to bed? I was really disturbed when I read that in an old version of his book. Although I do agree that parents need to be the grown ups and not kids’ friends.
Commenter via Facebook says
I think you can pretend play with your kids and still discipline them. My mom would get into the sandbox with me and help me create all sorts of things from my imagination. My dad would chase me around the house because he was a dragon (or any other made up bad guy) and my brothers would jump in and slay him. Yet both of my parents were also strict and there were definite rules that need obeyed, or privileges were taken away. I was never spanked or yelled at by my dad, all he had to do was change the tone of his voice and I knew he meant business. There is a great book called “Scream Free Parenting,” It really helped my brother change the dynamics of his family.
Commenter via Facebook says
Loved the article, I was so happy when my daughter outgrew her Barbie phase! Love her to pieces, but Barbies were torture. It was so nice to hear another mom actually say it. I’ll play board games with her, read and she loves learning how to cook, but play like that I could never enjoy. Everyone parents differently!
Commenter via Facebook says
No, I didn’t either. I also never spoke “baby talk” to my children or referred to myself as “Mommy” in the third person. When they started talking, they spoke in whole sentences without silly gibberish like my sisters kids did. They also never had boxed cereal or a soda until they were 10 or 12.
Commenter via Facebook says
i think you have great perspective. we’re always learning.
Commenter via Facebook says
I just think YOU are missing out! Enjoy the moment…they won’t soon forget it! ♫
Commenter via Facebook says
I think it is important to pretend play, it helps them express emotions towards us. But it is difficult for adult brains to do.
Sheila says
I don’t like Dobson because of the way he compares kids to dogs, and then mistreats the dog. Anyone who knows anything about dog training knows that’s not how you do it! And kids deserve even more respect and gentleness than dogs do, because, hello, they’re our kids. That part REALLY turned me off.
Becky D says
Personally, I loved your advice. My son’s pretend play can be quite elaborate, and I LOVE when he comes and shares some of his stories with me about what he’s playing, and the scenarios he’s made up in his head…but the time that he’s doing that I feel is so healthy for him (and me!) It gives me time to do other things (you know – fun things like laundry, cleaning, etc…) and he is developing an incredible imagination and a way to self-entertain. I never have to hear the words “I’m Bored, there’s nothing to do” because his inner life that he’s developed helps him to create fun, even if I’m not there to play. We do LOTS of things together…read, play games, play outdoors, take the dog for a walk, ride bikes, play Wii, bake and cook, etc…but I think it’s so valuable for him to also have time where he plays alone. Of course, he may be better at that then some, because he’s an only child, but he often has friends over too who will do his pretend play with him…and sometimes I LOVE to eavesdrop on those conversations too.
As far as the bedtimes issues go – we’ve never had even one problem with that, and I’m not sure why. My son is very strong willed, but the whole bedtime deal has always been simple. Maybe it’s because he has an active inner life – but from the time he was a baby, we have had a bedtime routine we’ve followed (he’s 7 now, and that bedtime routine has changed through the years in response to his age) and he goes to bed, and will sing to himself quietly or talk to himself quietly for a little while, and then fall asleep. Never once has he tried to get out of bed, or call us in with empty excuses. That has been a blessing!
Commenter via Facebook says
No! As an only child I certainly learned how to entertain myself. Both parents worked full time and my grandmas sure as heck weren’t getting down on the floor. Made me Independent and imaginative and I played outside a lot!
Grace says
I think celebratecalm.com has some of the best parenting advice available. It’s grace-based, and accessible/easy to begin implenting. It’s respectful of both parents and children. And keeps in mind mental health of both parents and children.
Commenter via Facebook says
Love it! Great job!
Jeanne says
Consistancy has always been our goal. Also, we have never once made the mistake of wanting to be our children’s friend. The friendship comes later, once they become adults.
As far as playing with our children. When they were very, very young we did play with them. In the grade school years, kept up to date on all of their passions. Now with teenagers we do play board games, do puzzles, and love to play kinect!
ValerieH says
I found Love and Logic about 5 years ago. I don’t use it effectively, but it has taught me a lot.
Amy says
Hey Kel – I think this topic has a lot to do with healthy eating. After we switched over to a more natural diet, we quickly realized how much high frutose corn syrup and other bad foods affected our sons behavior. So much of what comes out of our kids can be from what is going in and/or what is missing that their bodies need to help them stay in balance (like magnesium). Healthy diet doesn’t make perfect kids (too bad huh – more would do it) but it sure makes a huge differnence for us.