Today I called my friend, Julie, with tears in my eyes, because the kids had me so frustrated again with how little they buckle down and get their work done, and how much they complain about it. (Some days it's just one, some days all three…) This leads to all of us snapping at each other, me grounding them from something again and a big cycle of negativity. As usual in these times, the doubts crept back in, and I was wondering if I'm really cut out to pull this off, even if I love the idea of homeschooling. I know that our family was called to do this, though, so we're committed for the long haul, but wow, it's really tough some days.
Julie was the perfect encouragement that I needed. First she made sure I knew that everyone has those days, she reminded me that the first year is always difficult, and that coming off Christmas break is really tricky, and she also suggested I spend some extra time praying about it. She even gave me some really good practical advice and ideas of what to try to change things up a bit. Then when I lamented that I just don't know if I'm teaching them enough, she reminded me that I probably was, but if not, our biggest goal is leading our kids closer to God anyway, that is the main reason we homeschool.
Then I found these HSLDF videos in my email box.
The more I watch, the more tears of thankfulness come, because they are speaking just what my heart needed to hear tonight. I've copied my favorite two in their series below, but especially the first one was perfect confirmation to what Julie said:
Homeschooling is not primarily about academics – I need a big neon sign flashing in our home to remind me of this moment by moment!
A few of my favorite quotes from the video:
- “Before long, we didn't treat it like a choice, we treated it like a commitment.”
- “Education is not about filling a bucket, but it's about lighting a fire. As long as homeschooling parents and students remember that it's about creating a passion for learning and finding out more about the world God has given us, then homeschooling will always succeed.”
- “It's going to be hard work, and you gotta work on it. But the flip side of that is the encouragement and that it's worth every ounce of effort that you put into it.”
I loved this next video, too – “Our Best Advocate”:
More favorite quotes and encouragement I needed to hear from the other videos (find them all here):
- “Recognize that it's going to be hard, too many people start out with good intentions, they do well for a while and then they get discouraged and they quit. The key is really to go all the way through and graduate our kids. And then not to be discouraged if it appears that they haven't bought into homeschooling or our faith as we wanted them to, because that's not the issue for success. The issue for success in God's eyes is if we've been faithful to the calling.“
- “Homeschooling is more about discipleship and about family than it is about academics.”
My plan:
So tomorrow I'm going to let the kids sleep in as long as they want. And then we'll talk about their list for the day (which is always made out a week ahead), but I'm going to let them decide, for tomorrow anyway, what they'll get done. Later we'll take a walk together in the woods on what's supposed to be a spring-like winter afternoon. I'm just going to counter all the negativity with our day tomorrow and have fun.
Over the weekend I'll pray about which of Julie's suggestions to put into play for next week. One suggestion I'd like your advice on… She suggested possibly giving them a small incentive bonus ($0.50-1.00?) for the days they get their schoolwork done by a certain time. Kent didn't like the idea of paying the kids to do what they were supposed to do, but I reminded him that he gets a paycheck for his work, and this could be just the nudge they need to then go spend it at the dollar store on Friday if they made good choices. If not, they can watch their sibling do so. (This plan probably won't fly for our 13 year old, but he can save up for the next ‘thing' he wants…)
I just want to be ‘on them' less, and help them become self-motivated to get through their work so we can do more fun things together.
Any other suggestions? Thanks for always being there to help me, reader friends! 🙂
- Have you seen this post with a video: A day in the life at our homeschool.
Roxanne Borchers says
I haven’t even planned next week yet, let alone fall! Lol, but we do have a schedule so there’s not a lot of surprises. I try to think of a few fun activities each week and write those ideas down before I forget them. I have two boys that are turning 10 & 12 so we go to a lot of airplane & military museums in the area. They never get tired of that stuff! The other day they were discussing which branch of the military they each wanted to join when they are old enough.
Tim Robinson says
(Sarah) Thank you so much for this! I was on the phone lementing anc crying with a friend worrying about if this is the right thing or not for one child in particular. I needed the reminder of why we homeschool not just about what we school with.
Lori says
Kelly,
A much wiser and more experienced homeschooling mom of many drew my attention to a critical fact I had missed for years: Complaining is a disciplinary problem. The complaining was so bad here I was very discouraged daily. I found, once I began to calmly and swiftly met out punishment for each and every complaint, they soon stopped. Boy, it sure transformed everything! Public school teachers could never get anything done if the students were always complaining, so they just don’t allow it. Ever.
Kelly says
What kinds of punishment do you use? I could use some creative help in that area!
Thanks,
Kelly
Kerstin says
Oh, and r.e. motivation (I figure kids are no different than adults), check out video#11 on https://www.businessinsider.com/the-20-most-popular-ted-talks-of-all-time-2012 (2012 top 20 talks on TED)…very interesting, might help with motivation ideas as well.
Good luck!
Kerstin says
I started HS my son when he finished elementary school. He prefers to do his schooling between 10 and 3 mot days – it means he gets done by the same time the school kids do. Another thing that works for us is to make a list of what he wants to get done (read what I want him to work on) for the week – and then he has the freedom to choose how to do the work. If he finishes too soon in the week, then obviously we need more work next week; however, he chooses to do it at his pace…easy to say with an older and only child, I don’t know how that would work with you. I have the same mentality for this semester – he will finish “name the subject” when he finishes “name the amount” – in this case for math it is a pretty substantial amount, but he is working at a pace he feels comfortable with and likes to do. And because there is a computer game he plays online, his schedule gives him the freedom to start earlier and end earlier on a given day if he so prefers…or if we know the weather is going to be too nice later in the week, he can ease up on some days and make it heavier other days.
Sorry for the rambling – just what I have discovered after 2-1/2 years, and yes, many days my first year worked just like your day you mentioned…very hard to get through. Keep going – you can do it, and your children will benefit, as will you!
Commenter via Facebook says
Wow, really Deborah Riley? What an awful boring constricting one-dimensional distorted limited-minded RUDE comment.
Commenter via Facebook says
@ Donna Owen Smith – that is beautiful, what a gift that your son could see faith in action like that. 🙂
Commenter via Facebook says
I just happened upon your website (thank you), which led me to your FB page… and this post. I homeschooled Christian, my now 20 year old son, during his 4th-7th grade years and it was the most rewarding time of his educational years. My dad fell ill during that same time and, fortunately- unfortunately (it all depends on your perspective) Christian received much of his “teaching” while waiting in emergency rooms, waiting in physical therapy, sitting in doctors offices… and this”teaching” is deeper than book knowledge. Christian learned that life is fragile, how to love someone even when they smell or look funny, and most importantly, to be patient…. he is not the center of the universe. Keeping Christian tied to my apron strings was never my intent. Allowing Christian to be who God wanted him to be was my focus on homeschooling. During the process I was hurt, confused and dismayed that God would ask me to homeschool and then have my dad become ill (and me the caregiver). Looking back I see His hand clearly at work. I would say what Christian witnessed was as much of the real world with these life lessons as any student in a classroom.
Peggy says
That bucket vs. fire quote is my homeschooling motto. Even have it on a sweatshirt. Your friend is absolutely right about coming back from a holiday. You got some dynamite advice from her!
Commenter via Facebook says
@DeborahRiley, my dear, how did you become so “constricting one-dimensional distorted” and clearly suffering from such “limited-socialization experience?” Your writing “voice” reveals your own suffering. May our Father in heaven open your mind and heart to the joy and love that is available to you through Christ. Peace.
Mickelle says
Hi Kelly,
I taught in the public schools for four years before we started our family. My oldest is only starting in the fall, so this strategy may need adapting to the ages of your family, but we use a pretty simple sticker chart… but rather than awarding prizes of my choosing, we have our weekly religious Family Home Evening, and after our lesson, activity, and treat, is the “exchange night.” We offer little treats (4 stickers each), a later bedtime (8) extra allowance, and a date with mom (24). The girls are young enough that they totally prefer the date with mom, which is awesome. They feel like they’re earning and participating in what happens to them, and the incentives are really working.
Also, I have to put in a word about choice in academics. When kids choose what they get to learn about, that ownership carries their skills to new heights. I’ve seen it time and time again, especially among older siblings of a few of my students — who ended up becoming national merit scholars. They might not have been among the best well-rounded kids, but the excelled in their areas; they were passionate, driven, and went to excellent colleges.
Commenter via Facebook says
Oh yuck. Christian brain washing? Poor kids. What an awful boring constricting one-dimensional distorted limited-socialization experience. What happens when they hit the real world? Can’t keep them tied to Mommy’s apron strings forever but I guess you’re trying.
Commenter via Facebook says
Child-directed learning is very important. My daughter attended a Montessori preschool thru kindergarten, and it was a godsend. You can apply Montessori learning principles at home. And speaking as a former public school teacher of high school English, I have yet to find a group of kids who can resist being read to aloud by an enthusiastic reader. Pick a book, a series of books, poetry, whatever, and gather in a comfy place. Read away. Save discussion and questions for the end of the reading period (teaches patience, self-control, ability to delay gratification). Review the reading with them to help jog memory for forgotten questions or comments. Just listen and let them discuss. Gently keep them on track. The Junior Great Books series is absolutely the best. Sorry to go on so long. Good luck, and don’t dwell on your worries. Chances are, you are actually teaching more than they would get anywhere else.
Commenter via Facebook says
The beauty of homeschooling is the opportunity to see real world situations, not just in a book. Kids want to know why this lesson is important in their life, show them where and how. They can talk to people actually using/doing the lesson work, earning a living or hobby.
Commenter via Facebook says
Thank you for sharing! I’m only homeschooling my middle schooler right now, but it is still so difficult to know if I’m doing enough. I know I could be doing so much more, but am I doing enough. I always go back to the fact that God called me to this and even if she does the bare minimum, she is living in the spirit and loving arms of her earthly mother and Heavenly Father all day, every day.
Beth says
I might consider some sort of incentive that didn’t involve payment for a minimum of work. For example, arbitrarily reward an exceptional job done with something big-ish (like a homework “pass” or something) to set the idea in motion than the thing that is rewarded is great work or a positive idea, not a bare minimum.
Commenter via Facebook says
I know kids have so much more distractions than my school days. For me, the reward was just not having to sit in mind numbing classes. Just give me the books and when I have questions I’d ask. Except in math or high level science, then needed teacher. We were lucky and could go to local college/university to do “final”, which was our grade for up a degree.
Cindy L says
Well, my whole comment disappeared. Anyway. CONGRATS, welcome to the club. So glad you’re with us. It will all work out.
Look forward to following your posts about it.
Stay strong in The Lord. It’s through His power that we accomplish His will.
Sig says
I struggled at first when deciding how to teach my children. After doing a bit of research it would seem that girls love to please their superiors and are more willing to get things done. Boys (this includes men!) need a lot of encouragement and rewards. By using rewards you are actually setting them up for life because they will understand that if they work hard they will get paid for it and so it encourages them to try hard and have good work ethics.
Right now I have a point system and every 5 or 10 points earned they will win a prize. I have a small prize bucket and a candy bucket for them to choose from.
They earn points by:
Doing a lesson with me
Doing a 15 minute lesson by themselves (via iPad, workbooks or abcmouse)
Applying what they learned on our trips out (reading words on road signs, adding up cans of soup at the grocery store etc)
Right now we are focused on the alphabet and he will get a point for reading a new word to me by himself (flashcards), telling me all he can about a letter of the alphabet (A sounds like ah and apple starts with A), or doing lessons with or without me.
For my 4 year old I created an alphabet dragon and he can put his points on there and defeat one of the dragon’s alphabet scales. So far this system has been a lot of fun and my boy is really excited to do school everyday.
I found this show to be really inspirational in helping me start out my home schooling. I hope it helps! https://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/gamifying-education
Tonya Scarborough says
Yes, yes, yes! Education should not be about requirements until adolescents start to pursue a vocation for themselves. Guided by their own sense of mission in life, they will embrace adult guidance. Other books that have helped to set me straight about this concept are, “A Thomas Jefferson Education”, by Oliver DeMille, “Dumbing Us Down”, by John Taylor Gatto, and “How Children Learn”, by John Holt. It’s hard for us parents who have been brainwashed by going through the school system ourselves to break out of the old mindset.
I think a lot of people get hung up on this concept because they equate discipline with education. Yes, a child needs discipline, structure, and requirements, only not for learning in the early years. Learning should be a joy, a pleasure, and should be seen as a privilege.
shannon (living life at home) says
Kelly, I’m glad you found encouragement. This is such a key – homeschooling is not primarily about academics. now that you’ve found this, that perspective will help you through – I promise. Academics can be learned anywhere a long the line – we as humans are always learning. But the relationships, the character, the life skills, the attitudes that facilitate relationships and learning – those are so very important. learning to make choices by making choices – by having choices to make – those lessons are critical. I’ve been homeschooling for 13 years and never ever do I regret the times when we’ve set aside academics to work on relationships, passions, life, or character. It hasn’t harmed the kids at all, but in fact made them better young adults because of it. The maturity and attitude they carry into their young adult years and towards life and learning, plus the relationship we have now, is such a blessing. Hang in there!
Bevie says
I find that offering a reward for learning makes kids do the absolute minimum they have to to get the reward (after all, would you go to work for an extra hour that you weren’t getting paid for?). Learning is it’s own reward, the trick is to get them interested in the process. Some kids are more interested in learning at different times of day, maybe it would be more intriguing if you had a midnight class occasionally and let them sleep in the next day, or go to a park and practice math by writing equations in the mud (doesn’t mud make everything more interesting to kids?). Learning really is difficult if it is a series of papers and books due by a certain deadline to earn rewards/avoid consequences. That is why the public school system struggles and students view education as a chore, because we, the adult role models, act as though they need to be bribed or coerced to do it.
Jennifer @ 20 something allergies and counting...down says
Great post Kelly! It’s so helpful to know the struggles of other families as we mire through our journey as new homeschoolers.
Katie’s 4 1/2, but I’ve already ping-ponged all over to figure out what her learning style is and our best game plan. So far, we have fallen completely into unschooling (to my complete shock) and have delved into some seriously in-depth learning on what I would consider ‘school subjects’ with the solar system and now anatomy but only because she asked to.
No luck with worksheets or “preschool work”. We practice letters only when she feels like writing a letter to somebody, counting only during play when she’s in the mood, and reading mainly with her learning games.
When she is fascinated with a subject, she is diligent in learning about it far beyond what we would normally teach preschoolers…and elementary school children in general.
We have been going through one of my anatomy textbooks from my Nutritional Therapy Practitioner program, and she can’t get enough of learning about the body parts and what they do. She actually sat through an explanation of the layers of our nerves and intestines today because she wanted a complete explanation of the pictures. Funny kiddo. 🙂
For the most part, I am learning to focus on encouraging her creativity at this age through play, art projects, and storytelling. It’s very hard for me to step back and let her learn at an unscheduled pace. I keep thinking worksheets! Practice counting to 100! Write the ABCs more often! Ugh.
It’s all just another way for us to second guess ourselves and let that mom guilt creep in. We needed more of that, right?
Cindy says
good luck! it might take a while for that learning fire to set hold but it will you can do it!