When I first saw the latest Marie Osmond Nutrisystem commercial, my stomach turned and my eyes rolled, especially at the part where my precious butter was slammed again. I'm so sick of defending butter and whole milk, when are people going to wake up?! (Read all about REAL healthy fats here and about real milk here.)
And then my reader and blogging friend, Peggy, emailed last week…
“I can't keep my mouth shut. I saw the “Motivation” ad with Marie Osmond (she's had so much surgery she's almost unrecognizable) and had to write a parody.”
First, the original text of the TV commercial:
“Losing Weight with Nutrisystem”
Losing weight, just the thought of it can be such a drag, can’t it? You buy clothes with stretchy elastic, you wear your sweatpants because it’s more comfortable and you don’t realize how out of control you get. I’m Marie and I lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem. When I saw those big clothes and I saw my body starting to lose, I got so motivated! Oh my gosh. It was thrilling because I knew with Nutrisystem I could do it.
Millions have lost weight on Nutrisystem and you can too!
You find any other program where you can say, “You know what? I am just craving mac and cheese.” Can I eat the fattening stuff with all the butter and everything? Absolutely not. Can I eat Nutrisystem’s version of it? Uh, yeah. And it’s good. A nutrient-rich plan designed specifically for a woman’s metabolism. My husband is awesome. He loves that I take care of myself and I love when he says, “You’re lookin’ hot.” See results or your money back.
“Losing Health with Starvisystem”
Keeping up with the world’s idea of beauty, just the thought of it can be such a drag, can’t it? You buy clothes with stretchy elastic, you wear your sweatpants because it’s more comfortable and you realize how thankful you are that you are comfortable not only in comfy clothes, but in your own skin. I’m Marie and I lost all my good sense on Nutrisystem. When I saw those comfortable clothes and I saw my plastic surgeon, I got so motivated! Oh my gosh. It was thrilling because I knew with enough spandex and a team of hair and makeup artists I could do it.
Millions have lost their health on Nutrisystem and you can too!
You find any other program where you can say, “You know what? I am just craving mac and cheese.” Can I cook organic macaroni and combine it with fresh milk, cheese and butter full of their natural vitamins and minerals and eat an appropriate amount for my needs? Absolutely not. Can I eat Nutrisystem’s version of it with cheese powder, genetically engineered modified corn starch, inulin, yeast extract, sodium caseinate, mono and diglycerides, gum Arabic, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, disodium phosphate, potassium chloride, xanthan gum, genetically engineered soybean oil, lactose, maltodextrin, FD&C yellow #5 and silicon dioxide?
Uh, yeah. And it’s…not food!
A preservative-rich plan designed specifically for a woman’s low self-esteem. My husband is awesome. He loves that I can put on enough makeup to look like a 50-year-old-trying-to-look-20 and I love when he says, “You’re lookin’ scarier than usual.” I tell him, “Yeah, a little Botox here and a BIG old tummy tuck there…the bill’s in the mail, baby!” See results or your money back. The weight you gain back when you come off the plan is your body desperately trying to regain health after weeks or months of not being fed anything it recognizes as food, but you can’t blame us for that.
Isn't that perfect? Can you think of anything Peggy missed?
Peggy is “one of those” super faithful blog readers who has been my friend here for years. I always love her insightful, helpful comments, whether we're discussing real food or homeschooling, and she comes through every time when I need help figuring something out.
Here's her official bio:
Peggy is a homeschooling mom of six and spends her days elbow deep in research, sticky notes and laundry. Her telecommuting work leaves her no time to maintain her blog, which is archived at www.localnourishment.org) but, hey, she gets paid to Tweet and Pin! On a strict diet starting at age 8, she experienced numerous health problems until she discovered the healing power of real, local, fresh food.